[Michigan_Mom]

I'm just about to send off a paper to the CW at our local DHS about what kind of kids we'd be interested in adopting, and it's weird how different my DH and I are. He only wants 1 child, white - but I'm open to different ethnic backgrounds and sibling sets. He feels that we can't 'parent a child from another ethnic background as well as someone from that background could'. Between you and me, I think he's just embarrased of 'how it'll look to people'. I really don't care about what someone else thinks, I'm just ready to love a child! I told him that it may take several years to get that child he wants but he doesn't care, he said he'll wait.

[Heather Jeane]

I share your pain because if it was up to me, we'd have 8 kids by now and they likely wouldn't look a bit like us, but my husband is not interested in a huge family. Thing is that sibling groups and interracial adoptions are great, BUT they are a lot of work.

If you read some of the posts by those who have adopted other than a "matching" newborn you will see the same thing, it can be rewarding, but it can also wear you right out and at times break your heart. A sibling group means that one or more children are not going to be infants and will have unique problems.

Attachment disorder is gut wrenching for the parents. I have four adopted cousins and one was adopted at three years old with abuse/neglect in his past. Raising him caused my aunt and uncle pain they never imagined as he was never able to return the love they tried to give him.

Being an interracial family means that your entire lives, people WILL stare at you. You WILL be on display. There is no way to take a vacation from being "That family who adopted a (fill in the blank) child." Much as we can wish people would just get over their biased feelings, you can't change them.

Not only do you have to deal with these issues personally, but more importantly, you must give your child(ren) the support they need to live this way. Not only one parent, but both if there are two.

I am sure you already know all of this but I wanted to bring it all up because it's important to look at it objectively. Everyone has emotional and physical and mental limits. Raising a nontraditional family is beyond a lot of peoples' limit. This does not make them a bad person by any means. The truth is that it's best to realize your limits before you are in over your head and it's too late. If your husband feels this is more than he could handle, then it's good to respect his limits.

[8isenough]

Hi Michigan Mom,

I think it's great that you are open to interracial adoption however, if your hubby is not comfy with it then you need to respect that. As an adoptive mom to 6 children that are of a different race I have had no problems at all with negative reactions from others. I agree with the other poster that my family will always be known as the family who adopted because it's so obvious. But so what! My kids are happy and well-adjusted and they know they were adopted! It can work out very well BUT my hubby and I were on the same boat when it came to being open to other races and sibling groups. If this is your husbands limit, then hooray for him for recognizing it! We all have our limits on what we can or are willing to handle. For me, I made the decision not to accept a child with any mental disorders or severe physical needs. We all have our God-given gifts and I recognize that these are not where my gifts lie. I could handle however, larger sibling groups and any race! Best of luck in your wait and go easy on your hubby!!

Diana (Mom to Jermaine, Jhalonda, Jazz, Tahira, Josh, Jen, Anthony & Antoine)

[Michigan_Mom]

Oh, I completely agree with you two. This is a big step for both of us, so we have to come to a unified decision. If he only wants 1 white child, then so be it. It's not like I can (or would) play the Car card. What I mean is, for example, if we're looking to buy a car and he sees one he likes, but I don't. He might say 'Yeah, but I'm going to be the one driving it!' I can't say to him 'You might not want a ___ child but I'm going to be the stay-at-home mom taking care of him/her!' It doesn't work that way, know what I mean? In the end, I'll just be excited to love a child - no matter where they came from.

[LisaCA]

dh and i decided that we'd play the baby game the way we played the house hunting game: both had to be on board, no reservations, either partner could say "no" without pressure or need for explanation and the other would back off. worked finding a house (though I know I looked at over 100 before finding it), and worked for dd.
we were presented with twins (dh's face- ), a child with possible cerebral palsy, and others. we said no to all before we came upon dd and it's a perfect match.

As a wife, you can probably sway your husband to a point. what I do is drop hints, talk about it and back off, then approach it again, then back off, and so on. it generally works. On the other hand, if he's really uncomfortable with the looks and the questions, then you'll need to accept that. I know dh and i differ about foster/adoption. He says he couldn't take the risk. Until/if he changes his mind, we will not foster adopt.

it's hard though, knowing that odds are you'll wait longer than you would. Still, they're just odds and if you do a ton of outreach and networking, it may not be so long.

good luck!

Lisa