[Want2BMommie]

Hello...

I just joined this community, so please forgive me if questions like this have been asked before. My husband and I have decided that after 2 and a half years of infertility, we're ready to start the adoption process. I've done a bit of research online about all of the various options, but I'm having trouble keeping all of my facts straight.

Can anyone explain to me the pros and cons of the various adoption options? For instance, I know that every adoption is different, but I'm wondering about rough time frames, expenses, etc. Do all adoptions require the same legal actions? If we did a state/foster adoption, would we be able to choose the sex and age of the child we're placed with?

One of the things we're considering is adopting overseas. One one website, I got the impression that it was less expensive and that the child was placed quicker than here in the states, but on another, it seems to be indicating the opposite.

Also, I was looking over the requirements for the home study and it mentioned large dogs. We have a Chow, which I know some people are leery of, but he's actually a VERY good dog who has never even had the intent of hurting anyone. In fact, when new people come over, he'll bark at them, but if they step closer, he runs away. That's one of our biggest concerns though, is that they'll turn us down because of him.

One more thing--can anyone tell us what the major red flags are, if any?

Sorry for all the questions. This is really new to us. I would appreciate any information anyone can provide. Thank you!

[aMarylandfamily]

... to the board. Always know no question is a dumb one (except for those you don't voice!) and that this board consists of many oldies (but goodies), short-time folks and newbies too and these questions are always welcome ...

Before having your homestudy completed, you need to determine if you are going to do international or domestic ... international is not any more difficult - just involves a different set of red tape ... and more than likely is much more expensive than domestic. If you are willing to take a child from the foster care system, most agencies (state and county) have programs which involve having the homestudy done semi-free (you have to pay for fingerprinting/background checks, physicals and possibly inspections (house/fire/etc.). Most states are also willing to allow you to consider your home state as well as out-of-state kids (you just have to make sure you are using a "placing" state who covers the post-supervision visits and homestudy fees to be reimbursed to the home state if you go out of state). Your homestudy will include training which will work you through what ages (and sex) as well as disabilities you can handle and with the worker performing your home study you identify your personal choices therein ... remembering if you are wanting an caucasian infant/toddler without any past trauma (i.e. negelct) then the wait for placement could be longer ... but as said that will all be covered in training.

I would call your local Social Services Office and/or adoption agencies in your area and determine if any are planning upcoming information meetings (which most do in the Fall) and go to one or more and learn whatever you can which will guide you some ... while asking lots of questions here too - as said this board has great amounts of wisdom/experience to share ... many of of us have (or have had) great placements, difficult placements and even disruptions and that hands-on knowledge is more valuable than you will ever expect until you ask a question and get 10 answers which you will be able to determine how those answers work into your situation (and all are different) and again guide you through a process which can be wonderful, frustrating and rewarding!

Hope this helps ...

[Want2BMommie]

Thank you for the warm welcome. It's nice to hear from people who have been through this process already. I've been thinking about going to one of the information meetings or conferences to get more information. Will they discuss all the various options there, or only focus on their agency's requirements?

I think the homestudy is what feels most daunting to me. What if they don't like my home? What about my dogs? Will they judge me unfit for parenthood based on various relationships we have with certain relatives, etc. These are the kinds of questions that flood my mind. I've been told that I'm worrying too much, but that's part of my nature.

Anyway, thanks again.

[aMarylandfamily]

The "homestudy" is not a total study of the home ... it involves a compilation of information - medical physicals, background checks, references, training, personal interviews with worker (basically to determine you understand the effect adding/adopting a child will have on you and to determine what ages/disability/needs you are able to meet in a child ... noting the older they get the more "baggage" (sad history, neglect, etc.) that come with them). The basic requirements of the "home visit" are that you have a bed for the child (or number of beds for number of children being requested ... and you don't have to have beds in place at visit ... just the space for same), your home is sanitary (doesn't have to be spotless ... just clean) and that there aren't any issues needing addressing (i.e. older home with lead paint). Past relationships (unless involving a legal matter) usually aren't part of the approval itself ... often a worker will note in the write-up that you have knowledge or experience working with a particular situation (i.e. handicapped brother or something of the sort) or something that finds strength (i.e. you had an abusive parent and have learned from same). If you have had a relationship involving a legal matter and are upfront with the worker it too will not deny you approval but may be noted ... again as a strength or something to be avoided in a placement. If its something as simple as your in-laws don't approve of you or your relationship or you adopting, the best thing to do it to lightly touch on that with your worker during one of the interviews and advise how you address it ... and what support system you have behind you in the absence of family ... i.e. friends to talk to or to assist with care in case of emergency. As far as your dog is concerned ... that shouldn't be a cause for denial (we have had three at the time of our placements) ... the only thing they may require if you want an infant/toddler is that you have a safety plan in place if ever needed and a place to put the dog (i.e. back yard or other bedroom or basement) should a situation arise where you cannot leave the dog in the room with the child alone or vice-versa ... and we all have times where we don't leave our children alone with the dog - no matter how good they are together a dog can only take so much tail pulling!

Hope this helps.

[Want2BMommie]

Thank you very much for your second response; it really helped to put my mind at ease. I think I can stress a bit less now.

I'm assuming that no matter what route one chooses to adopt a child, the homestudy is all part of it, right? I would think they would want to make sure that the adopters understand what they're getting into and that the right type of child is placed with them.

I'm really anxious to get started with all of this. Thank you for answering some of my questions.

[waitinginnj]

You got great input so far. In general, International Adoption is expensive. Expensive is a variable term. Each county has different requirement for adoptive parents and different cost structures. If International is right for you, you need to find country or countries that you qualify for.

Then identify agencies that support countries that you are interested in. Agencies vary greatly. Make sure you check references, BBB etc. Some agencies are great for one country, but not as strong as another. When comparing costs, make sure that it is an apples to apples comparison. What is included in each quote.

International adoption can be faster, depending on the country, but due to the nature of International politics it can be fickle and change too.

Each country has a board. I am sure that you can find great insight and help. The Russia board, Guatamala and China boards are pretty active. Ethiopia seems to be more active too.

Best of luck on whatever path you deem best for your family.

[LisaCA]

hi,

I'd suggest visiting a few agencies and attending their orientation sessions. you'll learn a lot about the process and their methods. most require no committment, they're just informative.

read as much as possible on types of adoptions, ages at adoption, etc.

I'd suggest:

the open adoption experience by lois melina

dear birthmother by kathleen silber

toddler adoption by mary hopkins-best

I wish you luck!

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by Want2BMommie

Can anyone explain to me the pros and cons of the various adoption options? For instance, I know that every adoption is different, but I'm wondering about rough time frames, expenses, etc. Do all adoptions require the same legal actions? If we did a state/foster adoption, would we be able to choose the sex and age of the child we're placed with?

Hello and welcome.

Having experience only in domestic parental placement, I can tell you that most of these happen within a year. Some agencies allow you to state a preference boy/girl, others do not.

As for US Waiting child/foster care, my understanding is that you can specify age, boy/girl, etc.

Originally Posted by Want2BMommie

One of the things we're considering is adopting overseas. One one website, I got the impression that it was less expensive and that the child was placed quicker than here in the states, but on another, it seems to be indicating the opposite.

OK the least expensive in terms of fees and expensive: US Waiting Child/Foster Care.
Second least = most domestic parental placement situations, which generally run in the $10K total fees and expenses range. You will see situations that involve higher fees, sometimes much higher, as well as lower. Remember the reason high-fee situations are advertised is because there are few who are willing/able to afford them.
Most expensive - generally - in fees and expensive are international situations.

Originally Posted by Want2BMommie

Also, I was looking over the requirements for the home study and it mentioned large dogs. We have a Chow, which I know some people are leery of, but he's actually a VERY good dog who has never even had the intent of hurting anyone. In fact, when new people come over, he'll bark at them, but if they step closer, he runs away. That's one of our biggest concerns though, is that they'll turn us down because of him.

If they do, find another agency. We had zero issues with our three big dogs and three cats when we adopted. In fact, our son's bmom loved that we had a small zoo - she loved dogs and cats.

Originally Posted by Want2BMommie

One more thing--can anyone tell us what the major red flags are, if any?

Sorry for all the questions. This is really new to us. I would appreciate any information anyone can provide. Thank you!

Red flags = too broad, honestly. They vary by type of adoption.

Here's what it boils down to: all adoption is about risks and benefits. There is no one best way to adopt, only a best way for you.

So ask yourselves questions like:

1. How important is it that your child share your ethnic heritage?
2. How important is it that your child be a newborn at time of placement?
3. How willing/able are you to travel with or without notice?
4. How much are you willing/able to spend in fees?
5. How prepared do you feel parenting a child who may have been exposed to abuse, neglect or institutionalization, known or unknown at time of placement?
6. How comfortable are you sharing your beliefs, values, lifestyle and interests with those you don't know well or are strangers?

HTH, IMHO, what other questions do you have?

Regina

[Want2BMommie]

Thank you to everyone who responded. All of you are providing me with very informative answers, and I really appreciate it.

We'll definitely check out the books and some of the international boards.

I'll have to read more about it, but I'm wondering why the foster adoption is so inexpensive, yet it seems as though the whole process is really quick AND you're able to choose the age and sex of the child. Is it simply because they want to see those children in the foster care system receive good homes, or is it the fact that many of them have "baggage"? Has anyone here adopted an infant or toddler through that method?

Thanks again!

[Casey677]

My experience is with domestic infant adoption (used both an agency and a facilitator) and not with foster/adopt. However, I was under the impression that most foster/adopt situations are free of cost......?? Am I wrong in this??

We waited for 10 months with an agency and got no where. Signed on with a facilitator and three months later our dd was born.

Welcome to our forum and good luck with whatever route you decide

[Want2BMommie]

Thank you for your response. It sounds like a facilitator is the way to go if we choose domestic infant adoption. Thanks for the tip!

As for the foster adoption, I've heard that it's VERY inexpensive, but you sometimes have to pay for little things. In either case, I find it interesting that it's virtually free when some of the other routes can be so costly. Am I missing something?

[Kristenwes]

Depending on where you are located......foster to adopt can take forever to really find a good match for your family, however it has very little cost....the agency gives you a monthly stipend to ensure that you are purchasing items for the child in your home...just like any child....purchasing clothing...foods...diapers....etc....most children in the foster to adopt and even adopting a child has the health benefits from the state..Medicaid or Access card...which is for medical...hospital...dental...eye..etc...the stipend depending on where you are located can be from $7.00 per day to $40.00 per day. some even give clothing allowances yearly $100.00-$650.00 per year....Honestly, my husband and I have invested so much more than what we receive and we feel that is our choice to do so...Others take advantage of the monies and use it for their own pleasures in life...Each person is different...Foster to adopt seems to take longer because the child goes back and forth with visitations, unless termination of parental rights have been ordered by the judge...My husband and I have been foster adopt parents for several years. It's very rewarding and an incredible journey. God has truly blessed us. Some of the children come and go, but they never leave our hearts and they always know when they get older they are welcome anytime. We have had many success stories through foster to adopt. We are with a therapeutic agency. We started with one and realized that they were not getting the referrals that we wanted, mostly older children. We had the desire for younger children and not necessary an infant, but 0-10 years of age. Then, we started networking for ourselves and came across this wonderful Christian agency..We have been with them for most of our journey and have no regrets..We have adopted 4...soon to be 5. Ages all under 7. It's been great. The power of prayer has also helped our journey. Best of luck to you...It's great to ask questions...there are no dumb questions...educating yourself can give you the security that you need to make the upcoming decisions as you decide which route to move into. Best of luck...God bless! Kristen

[LisaCA]

there are a few diff in foster adoption and infant adoption. foster adoption has longer classes to be approved. most of the kids are not infants, but toddlers and older. And there are no guarantees (like many adoptions). For example, children that you are fostering may not be available for adoption, but are placed with family members or returned to the parents. That possibility was/is just too much for dh (but I'm working on him). Sometimes the kids have issues ( and who wouldn't?): attachment issues, earlier family abuse issues, etc. Many of the kids are part of a larger sibling group and the county wants to keep them together.

anyway, there are definite pluses to foster adoption, esp if you're interested in older children or a group of children. But because they're harder to place than infants, they often have very little cost associated with their adoption. The fact that many folks want an infant to adopt means they're willing to spend the money involved.

Lisa