[hollywoodlisa]

Hi everyone:

We are wondering what considerations went into your decision to adopt domestically instead of internationally. We have been looking at both programs and we have intiated the process with a domestic adoption atty in the area we live. I am just curious if any of you have considered international, and what made you decide to pursue domestic.

Also, we have also considered further infertility treatments using donor egg, but we are scared to try again due to further disappointment. Has anyone considered this alternative as well?

I appreciate any feedback out there.

Lisa

[LisaCA]

hi,

our decision to adopt domestically was quite simple for us. As AA paparents, we knew there was a need in our community for aa aparents, so we stepped up. We also wanted a relationship with dd's bfamily, as much knowledge as possible. We now have a very open adoption with dd's bfamily and love it. That is virtually impossible with an international adoption. In addition with domestic we were able to have a newborn (dd was released from the hospital to our care). plus, as aa paparents wishing to adopt an aa child, our wait was short (from homestudy completion to dd's birth was 4.5 weeks).

there are risks to adopting both internationally and domestically, but it depends on the type of risk you're willing to endure.

good luck!

Lisa

[blessedbybug]

For us, honestly, it became a matter of $$. In our area, domestic adoption are quite regulated so the fees are known. I know there are lots who will pay as much for a domestic placement as for an international placement, but it wasn't the same in our decision. Not only that, but because of the cultural diversity in our province, we knew we might experience parenting cross-culturally even if we adopted domestically. That was fine with us and we thought it would be better use of our limited resources. Sad that money is an issue but in adoption, it can be.

Another big issue for us is we were really interested in knowing our child/ren's first families. There was less of a chance of knowing them if we adopted internationally.

There are risks either way...

As for further fertility treatment... we will not pursue more treatments. We made that decision before moving to adoption to build our family. Best of everything on your journey to your family!

[Yelena]

Hi Lisa,

We spent a couple of months weighing the pros and cons and potential risks of all possibilities -- international, domestic, fostering, sperm donation (I'm fertile, but my husband had a vasectomy 14 years ago) -- and in the end we chose international, specifically Guatemala.

Why? For several reasons:
• Guatemala has fewer restrictions than other countries (e.g., parents can be older, and can already have children)
• We can choose our child instead of waiting for a birthmother to choose us
• We can choose the gender (we want a girl)
• We did NOT want an open adoption; there is pretty much no such thing as an "open" adoption with international
• Children come home at an early age, sometimes as young as 6 months (although I think 8-10 months is more average). They are usually referred at just a few days old.
• The babies are so beautiful. Of course, all babies are beautiful, but I personally have a deep affinity for all things "south of the border"
• Travel time is minimal -- just a few days (compared to 2-3 weeks in China or Russia)

HOWEVER...there's a law being proposed right now in Guatemala that, if it passes, will most likely put an end to Guatemalan adoptions. (If you visit the Guatemala forum on this website, you'll see info about it on the "Ortega Law" sticky.) We are not at a "safe" point yet in our adoption process, so if it passes, we may have to back out and pursue another avenue. I pray that it won't pass, but I have to at least have a "Plan B" in place in case it does.

So, I almost feel like my husband and I are at square one again. We have two choices for "Plan B": switch to China (fortunately, our agency deals with both countries), or reconsider domestic adoption. I don't dislike China, and I think Chinese babies are absolutely precious -- but I don't have the deep love for China that I do for South and Central America. It's just a personal thing -- I'm not criticizing anyone, so please don't misunderstand. But I think I would prefer China over a domestic adoption. Maybe I've just been scared off by horror stories about birthmoms or dads coming back or changing their minds, and then losing all that emotional investment, not to mention our money.

Like the others have said, you really need to weigh the risks and think about what you are and aren't willing to live with. Even though I had already made up my mind, I'm almost in the same position you are -- trying to figure out AGAIN if we want domestic or international!

Good luck. Do lots of research and follow your heart.

[spaypets]

Our original impulse was to adopt internationally, but in the interest of doing due diligence, we briefly investigated domestic adoption. In the end we chose international.

Our overwhelming reason was because there was some idea of a timeline. Sure, it took longer than we had hoped/expected, but we knew we would get a referrral and in all likelyhood that referral would become our daughter.

The idea of waiting to be chosen by an expectant parent, who in the end might choose to parent after all, went against too many parts of our personalities. We are not patient people, DH and I. We are not by nature open and welcoming. We do not have a Christian home. We thought it might take a long time for us to be chosen by expectant parents. We also were uncomfortable about the idea of promising an ongoing relationship with strangers, which is what we would have to do if we were to have an open adoption.

Having some sort of time line and an expected process was much more important to us than the age of the child at homecoming.

We did however like the idea of adopting a child whose parents had already made the decision not to parent. We would bear no responsibility in that choice.

We narrowed our choices to countries with short stays and the possiblitity of having our child escorted (this all happened shortly after 9/11 when air travel seemed particularly scary). In the end, it came down to a choice between Guatemala and India. DH was unequivocal. He was much more interested in India. I was so thrilled that he'd agreed to adopt that I wasn't going to fuss about the country.

And, we did travel, and absolutely fell in love with India.

[tobeafamily]

We originally believed our only option to adopt a child within a short period of time was through international adoption. It was only after meeting with the agency we ultimately used did we ever even consider domestic parental placement. Our son did indeed come to us within a year of us starting our networking process, as the agency pretty well predicted.

So, why did we choose this path?

We liked the idea of parenting from birth.

We liked the idea of openness, having both known adoptees from closed situations who really had problems with the 'not knowing' part. We wanted our child to have access to all their history, not just our part.

We're also very accustomed to having family not related by blood, so having new members 'join' the troupe wasn't scary or even unusual for us or our families.

Because of DH's AD/USN status, international travel would have been more challenging for us than domestic. That wasn't a huge factor though.

We did no infertility TX during the adoption process. In fact, we waited almost five years from end of fertility tx to adoption, primarily b/c DH was AD/USN and didn't want to be adopting and deploying at the same time. Our agency will not work with families who are still actively pursuing biological pregnancy as a policy.

It's turned out very well, we feel very integrated as a family. Outside of 'adoption' forums there are no 'birth' or 'adoptive' distinctions, which was as we all wanted it to be.

HTH

Regina

[LisaCA]

hi lisa,

me again . you might want to do a ton of research on what domestic adoption entails, read what people mean by open adoption (some mistakenly believe that it means "co-parenting" which it certainly doesn't), talk to folks in domestic situations, and ask if it's for you. even though i tend toward the cranky and antisocial, and we aren't by today's fundamentalist standards "christian", we found our experience to be terrific. it turns out that bmom picked us for reasons unknown, but I can guess: our temperments are the same, and my temperment is like her mom, we have similar philosophies. what this meant was that we each looked at the other's profile and said "hey, that sounds like me". being egocentric hominids, people can't help but be attracted to themselves . it means that we're beautifully matched, thanks to our facilitator and to bfamilies. Not all matches are like ours, but then again, some are. we have added dd's birthfamilies to our family tree and welcomed them in our lives. we talk on the phone (maybe once every 6 or so weeks), we write once every three or so weeks (sending the photos i know they love-our contract just requires 4x a year but we love showing her off and they love seeing the photos), and we visited this past june/july (they live in Illinois, our contract requires no visits, but we like them!)

anyway, talking to folks, maybe taking some agency classes and discussing the pros and cons, will give you a good perspective. here are a couple of books that are good about domestic adoption:

*the open adoption experience by lois melina

*adoption after infertility by P. johnston (i hear great things about this book and it may help with the decision over donor eggs)

*dear birthmother by Kathleen silber



I'm sure there are great books on international adoption too. I would only suggest one book: Toddler Adoption by mary hopkins-best. she discusses the issues with adoption with children older than 1 year, and this is true for many international programs
.
anyway, I hope these help you in making your decision. People seem to fear what is unknown or unfamiliar. at first we were hesitant, unsure of the entire open adoption thing, but read a ton, talked to folks and embraced it. i have to say that we have gained so much from this experience, including more cool family members. And there are some positives for dd, including having contact with her genetic family. check these books out, they may help you to decide what's what.

good luck!

lisa

[DebCsMom]

Our decision to adopt domestically was similar to Lisa's, we knew AA children in the US needed homes. We are a CA family with 2 bio children. We always wanted to adopt. We figured though it wouldn't be until after we had a few bio children. After having 2, we were diagnosed with Unexplained Secondary Infertiltiy after several years of trying. So our adoption plans got pushed up a few years.

We also wanted Open adoptions. At the time, International adoptions didn't have any kind of openess in any country. Open adoptions are something we feel very strong about.

Deb

[hollywoodlisa]

Hi-

Thanks for all the input on domestic verses international adoption. There are benefits and downsides to each alternative approach. We have tried to get pregnant thru costly procedures until I reached a point of feeling crappy and depressed when it didnt work time after time. I do believe there is a reason it didnt happen so I would pursue another road. Now that I am finally considering Guatemala, there are real concerns about pursuing that due to the changes going on.

I have read and read and read, and read again, there are just arguments to each alternative, so much that one day I feel different than the next. Originally, we were going to pursue Russia, then learned of many of the medical and attachment issues there. Domestic concerns me due to any disappointment should the birthmother change her mind

I read this saying the other day, it was written by the author of Uncle Tom's Cabin, and it is very inspiring:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn"

We remain hopeful, optimistic and relentless in our dream to start a family. But at the same time, dautingly impatient for achieving this goal.

Lisa

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by hollywoodlisa

We remain hopeful, optimistic and relentless in our dream to start a family. But at the same time, dautingly impatient for achieving this goal.

You definitely have the right idea when it comes to adopting. We have found that no matter what our struggle is/was with TTC/infertility, adoption was just as or dare I say, even harder than that road. Too many people think that it is easier. The good thing is that in the end, you most likely WILL end up with the family of your dreams and be thankful that you kept persevering through all the rough terrain. Reality is... adoption is born (no pun intended) out of crisis, which in turn, makes it messy. There are rarely ANY perfect solutions. Just know from someone who has been where you are, who holds her dream in her arms these days, and who hopes to add another miracle soon, that in the end, whatever road you choose, it will be worth it. Most definitely...

IMO, impatience is a virtue in adoption. It keeps you motivated to find the right path to building your family. We laugh in our house, because we know my lack of patience and relentless pursuit of opportunities for our family brought us to Bug... and we are blessed by it...

Hoping for the best for you, and if you would like, don't hesitate to PM...

[hollywoodlisa]

Thanks everyone, your posting do help alot. I like knowing I am not the only person going thru these emotions. Thanks!!!