[mikaylasmom]

I apologize up front for the length of the message but I want to give the whole picture. We were recently matched with a little boy (turned three in July) for adoption. However, we have a lot of concerns and don't know where to turn. We have one daughter (five years old) whom we adopted at birth.

Our fears are: bio mom has history of bipolar and drug use. We don't know if baby tested for drugs at birth. He did show autism like tendencies early on but basically spent first 10 months of his life in car seat. Was removed at 10 months. Has been in two foster homes since. Current foster home okay but very chaotic as she has a lot of little children she cares for. He is delayed in speech but has made lots of progress. Has fear of bath but does okay. Use to scream for hours non-stop.. doesn't do this anymore. We met him Friday and then spent all day Sunday with him at our home. He definitely has some "different" actions but nothing very severe. If he gets his feelings hurt he runs to a corner of a room away from everyone else but recovers quickly with kind words from us. He calls all women mommy and all men daddy. He is very, very small and his forehead seems rather large... sort of like his eyes are too big for his little face. He is so precious. He communicates fairly well... uses some sign language. Will give hugs and kisses but doesn't like to sit down - like for a story.

I know this email is jumbled.. but does anyone have any advice. We are so worried that he may have a history of mental illness of autism and we just don't think we can handle that. Do we have the right to speak with his doctors and therapists? Can we see his medical records? The social worker wants to move him in with us by the end of the week... we thought we would have a slower transition period. Although he didn't want to leave our home on Sunday... left with us willingly and didn't seem to miss foster mom.. could this be RAD? We are so confused and not sure what our rights are. He definitely needs a good home and we don't want to confuse him by seeing him now and then deciding a few weeks for now that he is not a good match for our family. Are we awful for feeling confused? I feel so guilty - it seems like I should be jumping for joy that we have a match and instead I am scared to death.

Thanks for any input.
Lisa

[Lynard1210]

Lisa,

I don't have any personal experience with your exact situation, but thought I would put in my two cents anyway (I used to be a foster parent, though). My first thought when reading your post was, "Why is the social worker in such a hurry to move him?" If you are looking at potential adoption, maybe you need to slow way down and do some seroius thinking and discussing with your husband, agency, attorney, etc. before accepting the child into your home. I think it is 100% your right and/or responsibility to look at any records that the agency has on this child. You need to be able to make an informed decision and cannot just go on the words of somebody else or just look at behavior to determine what is really going on. You did say you did not think you could handle a child with autism or mental illness so it is imperative that you know if that is what is going on here. Spending that much time in a car seat is very concerning and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have an attachment issue. Please go slow and don't feel guilty. It's much better to say no or let me think about it than to say yes and then ask the social worker to come back and take him later.
Good luck and trust your gut instincts!

Lynard1210
Closed Illinois adoptee
Mom to Matthew, age 11
Mom to Marilyn, age 9 mos (adopted 6/24/05)

[blessedbybug]

It sounds like you have a situation with a little man with special needs. You have EVERY right as potential parents for him to see his medical records, to ask questions of his social workers, to speak to doctors and therapists about his prognosis before making your decision. I think the worst scenario would be to get into a situation that you are not ready for. It is not good for you or this little guy. It could be a combo of things, considering bio mom's history as well as history of neglect. His behavior is indicative of a child who has had multiple placements, which is a special need all its own.

If it were us (and we have/are considered toddler adoption) we would really slow things down and get information before moving forward. Hoping for the best for you and this little guy...