[kjofwalsh5]

ok please forgive me this is my first posting. but i have a situation i could really use your advice on. my husband and i have three biological children and are starting the process of an international adoption to grow our family more ok ill try 2 b brief but bare with me. i have a brother and sis in law who have had fert. issues. they cant have children and it seems for now at least that they arent intersted in adoption. i am really not sure how to tell them that we are serious about this adoption without hurting them. I dont want to spring it on them when theres a little one on the way. any advice would be appreciated. We are pretty open about it with everyone we see. the kids tell people they are going to get a new sister(there jumping the gun but its sweet) ug help thanks
kathy walsh

[kjofwalsh5]

i think that came across badly. i love my brother and his wife. she was my roommate before we were all married i just dont quite know how to do what i know is right for my family and not ofend or hurt. my kids love them very much they are the guardians of the kids if anything should happen to husband and i. i dont know just not sure how to start the conversation
thanks

[Linny]

I think you may already have the answer. You wrote that they aren't wanting to adopt---at least at this time---so to say that you're planning to make your family this way, really shouldn't bother them. Look at it this way....it just very well may make them think about adopting, once they see how your family is realizing a dream come true--at some point, KWIM?

It would appear from your posting that you truly care for each other...and I think if this is true, they will be happy for you---and, like I said, you just might be 'helping forge a way for them', too!

Sincerely,

Linny

[chrisandaaron]

I agree with Linny. I am in the same situation, but with my best friend. Adoption just isn't right for her family at this time. I know she thinks it is weird that we jumped to adoption first (now we are expecting a bio baby too). But that was right for us and she is supportive.

Good luck!
Chris

[Poolside]

Maybe they'd want to go through the process with you when you tell them about it? If adoption is just not in their site right now, I'm sure it will not hurt as badly as you think it might. It will certianly give them something to think about.

[lakin11]

I have a friend who recently had to undergo an emergency hysterectomy. She and her husband had not been able to conceive after many years. I recently shared with her that my husband and I are going to be adopting. As far as we know, we can have bio kids as well, just haven't yet. We just want to provide a loving, caring home for kids out there. I think she was very resentful when I told her. I asked her if she ever thought about adoption and she did not act interested. I have tried to share some of the information I've learned on here. I know she would make a great mother and wish she would be open to the idea of adoption. I don't know how to share my excitement and not make her feel bad. I guess just being honest and open is the best way...maybe she will realize that the joy of adoption can be hers as well.

[krielly]

It sounds like your friend is still trying to deal with the fact that she will never be able to conceive after having an emergency hysterectomy. Seems natural to me that especially being recent, she needs to grieve this realization first before moving on to other options. Definitely understandable! Try not to take the resentment too personally. It's not the death of a child, but it IS the death of a dream.........takes time to heal.

I hope you continue to be supportive of her, and hopefully in time she may see through your adoption process that this could be an option for her, but that will need to be when she is ready..............

Good luck, to both of you on your pursuits of adoption!!!!!!!!

Hugs,
Karen

[DeNaJa]

It is one thing to think of adoption in the abstract. To many it is scary because the media is filled with the sensational horror stories of parents raising a child for years and then the biological parent decides she wants the baby or they discover the bio Dad and he wants the child he never knew existed and judges just hand the kid over. There is a fear of the cost too and what the family will do and say. How will the adoptive parents feel? Can they love a non-bio kid as much as a bio kid? Lots of fear. I do believe that once it is taken from the abstract...when it is not just a word...and they actually see the process working and they meet your beautiful, amazing child and they realize that they see you loving this child just like you love your bio kids, your family loves this child the same and then it hits them that THEY too love the child just like they love your other kids. Adoption becomes real and a lot less scary. We didn't realize it at the time we conceived our 2nd bio kid, but our in-laws had been TTC. Then, 6 months after the birth of our 2nd, we adopted. Although they divorced and one of them never mentioned the fertility issues, we hope in some way that seeing adoption in action will help should fertility be an issue in the future when they meet their furture spouses. We hope they will have the example of their precious little neice to look to when they think about the possiblity of adopting.

[kjofwalsh5]

thanks all of you for your advice. there was much conversation with the family over the weekendand i am sdorry to say that it did not go well with my brother and his wife. They seemed to take the news of us growing our family as a personal attack and left very grumpily. i was able to talk to my brother alone and told him that i was happy to share any information with them if they wanted to follow our path and do anything i can to make the idea more pallatable nothing seemed to work and hopefully with time they will come to understand this will be a wonderfull oppertunity for our whole family. we'll have to wait and see time will tell
thanks again-kathy

[DeNaJa]

That is sad. I am sorry your family was less than enthusiastic about your plans to adopt. We have 2 bio childrena nd adopted our 3rd and among strangers we tended to get a reaction that surprised me. It was as if we had no right to adopt and should give our daughter to some more deserving, infertile couple who may be wanting or waiting to adopt. It stunned me because in many ways, people talked about my daughter as if she was a puppy...a posession. Who were we to adopt and take away a child from an infertile couple? How could we lessen the amount in the pool for them to be matched with? It hurt. Eventually, people have stopped with their ridiculous comments. I'd say to give them time and space. Don't feel you have to talk about your adoption and bring it up to them all the time. They know what you are doing. Drop it. Let them come to you. You have offered to give them information...wait to see if they want it. Let them lead on this one. Regardless, this is YOUR family and you have decided to open your home and more importantly, your heart to another child. You have decided that child doesn't ahve to be from your DNA. You do what you know is right and don't feel one bit bad about your decision. You are doing nothing wrong in wanting to grow your family through adoption. It is a beautiful thing. Their emotions are their own and they have to deal with them. It has really nothing to do with you, your family, or even the child you will bring into your family...it has everything to do with them coming to terms with their fertility issues and their desire to have a family and the decisions they need to make in order to make a family a reality. They have a lot of thinking to do and feelings to sort out. My guess is your announcement brought much to the surface and they didn't know how to respond.

I'll be praying for your, your family, and your extended family.

Blessings and good luck as you begin the piles of paperwork!