[JenniferB11]

We have been waiting for 7 months now. I only get quarterly updates about our status and the last time I got an update we had been presented to 12 potential birthmother's (within 4 1/2 months) and they obviously went with different couples. I don't know if we made it into the final two or where we were in the process of those birthmom's all I know is we were presented 12 times. Of course, I immediately start thinking ok we didn't get picked b/c we are both overweight. Or our profile is bad etc. I know that when our child comes along we will be picked but how do I know that all of the couples working with our faciliator are not super cute and super skinny. I,personally, think DH and I are super cute!!! But doesn't 12 potential birthmom's seem like an awful lot to be turned down by????

[tobeafamily]

Not really. We probably had about 20 'leads' before finally making our connection. A lot also depends on whether they do any qualifications before presenting profiles. Some show all, others only show those who mostly fit what the expectant parents have mentioned is important.

BTW you aren't 100% sure all of those 12 expectant parents eventually placed either. Some don't, for their own reasons.

Are you doing any personal networking in addition to working with your agency and facilitator?

Regina

[JenniferB11]

Good point not all those ladies did place their babies! And yes, our facilitator only shows the clients that match the birthmom preferences as well as our preferences. Plus she only works with a limited number of clients so that is an extra bonus!

[brookeinpa]

Jennifer,

We don't get updates on how many birthmothers we have been presented to, so I am just sitting here hoping that 12 birthmothers have seen our profile.

I like to think that each time a pbmom passes by our profile and doesn't select us that she hasn't 'turned us down', she just found a family that was better suited to what she was looking for. I hope that we are eventually the 'perfect' family for a birthmom. I have to imagine that each set of adoptive parents will eventually have a perfect fit.

We've been waiting since April, but it seems as though we have been waiting forever.

I'm here, waiting with you!
Brooke

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by JenniferB11

Good point not all those ladies did place their babies! And yes, our facilitator only shows the clients that match the birthmom preferences as well as our preferences. Plus she only works with a limited number of clients so that is an extra bonus!

So it's good that your profile has been presented so many times - means you've got 'qualities' that many of their clients are interested in.

Hang in there. When you least expect it sometimes, the world turns you on your ear.

Regina

[JanetM]

I'm a birthmother and for whatever its worth I know that the Aparents we chose worried about a lot of the same things you did. I think they waited for a year and a half before we chose them. I know this sounds horribly cliche but their time finally came and fortunately we are a match made in heaven.

Hang in there!


-JanetM
Bmom to Andrew 9/17/02

[RavensPerch]

Hi Jennifer ... I saw your post and just wanted to mention to you that you shouldn't be afraid to ask your agency more in depth questions regarding who is looking at your profile, questions they may have asked and perhaps reasons that you were not chosen by the pot. birthmothers that did look at your profile.

While they can't give you any specific information, they should keep you updated and informed on the feedback they are getting when they do show your profile - this is so crucial as it can only help you to not only re-evaluate your profile and the format it is in and/or at least provide you with some sense of progress so that the waiting isn't quite as unbareable. Some feedback is better than none!

I had worked with a waiting adoptive couple about eight months ago - they'd contacted me regarding somewhat of a similar situation. The pot. amom was frustrated because the agency didn't seem to be giving her any information at all - when she'd call she'd just get, "Don't worry, we're showing it." She emailed her profile and dbl to me to look over - there were a few things I immediatly noticed and together we did some fine tuning. She re-submitted her profile with a letter to her caseworker stating that she felt she deserved a little more information regarding when her profile was being shown.

She was matched two weeks later and three weeks after became the proud mommy of a beautiful baby girl.

I hear from a lot of waiting moms that they feel like they are being a nuisance to their agency by calling for updates and that they try not to because they don't want to "look bad" - my advice is that if you don't feel comfortable calling for updates ... you're probably not with the right agency for you. If they aren't giving you any kind of feedback - you have a right to ask for it.

It is of course, normal, to wait for seven months - but during your wait you deserve to be getting feedback, information and of course - support.

I hope this helps a little! I wish you the best!

Raven

[Hoping4ababy]

I agree with the fact that if you want to know more about your profile being shown that you have to be the one to ask about it! The agency that my husband and I are using does not call us everytime they show us because they said that "it would drive us crazy", but I keep telling them that's it's NOT knowing if we are being shown that's driving us crazy. We started the adoption process in December of 2004 and have had only one instance where we were notified that our birthparent letter was going to be shown and that was in January of 2005. So, after this, numerous month's went by and we didn't hearing anything else, so I contacted our adoption counselor and she told me that over the last few month's we had been shown to numerous birthmothers and in each instance we ended up in the top two, but the other couple's were choosen because they didn't have any children yet(we have a 3 1/2 year old son by adoption). I was happy to hear that we had been shown so much, but in none of these instances did she call and tell us anything about it. Even if we weren't chosen, we should have been notified that we were shown. I have since asked to be notified of any instance that we are shown and I make it a point to contact them at least every 3 to 4 weeks and sometimes I do feel like I am bugging them but at the same time, we hired them to help us find a birthmother so the least they can do is call us when they show us..

Respectfully,
Kenna
Hoping4ababy

[akcskye]

I'm going to adopt through social services so I can't relate on waiting for a b-mom to connect, but one thing my SW told me is that adding more pictures can really help.
Just like you might looking at adoptuskids.org because of seeing the faces, birthmothers cherish being able to "SEE" the family, not just read about them.
Did you present just one picture, or do you have a scrapbook style presentation made?
My SW said with what she has seen, that has made all the difference in the world.
Just my .02
Best of luck to ALL of you!

[JenniferB11]

Our facilitator updates us on a quarterly basis (her quarters seem to be a little longer than everyone else's though ) on how often we have been shown and if we have any feedback.

And yes, we have a lot of pictures in our profile - ones of just us seperate and together, our house, our family members, us on vacations. I think though that I am going to revamp our profile a little bit before I need to send her more. Change the lay out a bit and take out some of the words and make the pictures bigger (they are big enough now but could be bigger). hopefully that might help!!!

Good luck everyone!