[dr.kad]

Hi all-



I've been thinking recently about how important the waiting process is. But I imagine I'm not alone when I say that it can be a frustrating, scary, and confusing time, as well as a time of great hope and excitement.



So here's my question to this wonderful online community:



What do you guys do during the waiting period.



1) What functional things do you do (e.g., research);

2) What inspiring/spiritual things do you do?



Personally, I spend a good amount of time reading (on and offline) about adoption. I also try to enjoy the final days/months/years of "childfree time"--something my friends who are mothers have REPEATEDLY urged me to do. As one friend said, "Enjoy the quiet in the backseat of your car."

Looking forward to readying your replies!!!

[StorkWatcher]

Dear Dr Kad,

I ask myself this question quite a bit. My husband and I have been officially on our agency's waiting list (Catholic Charities in our archdiocese) for approximately 6 months now. The average wait is 18 months, but 3 other couples who also signed on in Jan/Feb have already adopted, which is encouraging.

I'm reading TONS of articles/magazines/books. My friend (a newly adoptive mom as of 2 weeks ago!) recommends The Happiest Baby on the Block, which I hope to buy this weekend. I also subscribe to Adoptive Families Magazine. Mostly I read about raising adoptive kids, how to care for a newborn, and information on positive discipline.

There isn't a support group near us that I can find, so we hooked up with another couple working with our agency and email. We met for dinner once also, and plan to meet in the future. As they just adopted, she has been a GREAT resource and tells me all sorts of details and things we don't hear from the caseworkers.

I joined this forum a few months ago, but haven't used it much yet.

Although the agency told us not to buy much in advance (they're afraid it will make the wait harder), I'd always planned on being a parent, so I'd collected a few baby items over the past ten years of our marriage. I didn't think there would be harm in doing the basics, as I like to be prepared for things. We've painted the nursery (but not decorated it). I have a few hand-me-downs from family members, but the only things we purchased were the infant car seat, 2 outfits for coming home from the hospital, Dreft laundry detergent and a bottle. This was what our agency recommended we have on hand in case we're one of the couples who gets very little notice. (We're planning to adopt a newborn domestically).

I've been pretty calm about the wait so far. We stay very busy with work and hobbies and family, which helps. I do start to get antsy, I just try to pray more. I truly believe God has chosen our child, and he or she will be sent to us at the right time. I try to remember that when I begin to worry. I have faith it will happen sometime, and I hope it's sooner than the average wait.

I did also register for items at baby stores, as my sisters and friends are already planning to throw baby showers. That was one thing I knew I wouldn't leave the house to do after the baby comes home, and it was the last major thing to worry about.

Now I don't have much to do other than wait. We check in with our agency once a month. I usually just email the caseworker so she's familiar with us. If a birthmother has questions about our file, the caseworker will contact us. They've shown our book a lot, but they don't let us know each time someone looks at it.

Because our agency is non-profit and supported by donations, and I am dying to go shopping for baby items, I will be shopping for things to donate to the agency. They use them for the women who decide to parent their babies. At least I know I'm helping someone, and I like to think of it as relaxing shopping therapy!

I'm also trying to keep a journal (not as easy as I thought!) to share with our child some day. I do email a list of contacts updates whenever there is anything to tell (which hasn't been much so far, other than prayer requests and support thank-yous as we started this journey.)

I hope you can find something here to try to help your during your wait.

StorkWatcher

[akcskye]

My husband and I have been working on getting the room ready for the child (BIG task, as we have 8 cats, and that room used to be the litter box room).
We will not buy furniture or any sheets/curtains/etc. until we know what the likes of the child are.
As my husband said, even though he is retired military and would think this is cool, what would happen if we bought Camoflauge bed clothes and the child was orphaned from the war? You know? Or scared of Spiderman? So...
We figure we will paint the room blue, and get the trim and the blinds replaced, as well as refinish the hardwood floor.
We may buy some basic furniture, such as a dresser and school desk, but not the bed, in the event we're blessed with a sibling group, we'll more than likely get bunk beds.
We have also been discussing whether we want our children to go to public or Christian school, and have been discussing finding a church home.
My husband's family never really was church going (one of those "make the kids go, but not mom and dad" families) and my family, though extremely Christian, don't go to church often.
I also experienced this sort of a rebellious phase after my miscarriages and turned to Wicca, as I didn't feel that I belonged in Christianity (kind of a "I hate God" phase, if you will), but have since decided that this was a better path for me spiritually, and have since rededicated.
Past that, just making sure bills are all paid up, and looking into getting a bigger home once the children are here.

[Dee1234]

We've been waiting for about 1.5 years since our home study was approved, so I've done quite a few things during that time. I painted the nursery and we put up a wall paper border. I bought a few baby essentials and created a baby registry. I took a dance class and joined an exercise class. I started a blog to write about my journey to parenthood and experiences with the adoption process. I babysit my niece and nephew. I've also done a ton of networking to find a child, along with lots of reading about adoption.

I recently decided to go back to work and have begun looking for a job. I held off doing this for a while because I thought we would become parents any day and didn't want to start a new job and then have to leave. But now I realize that I can't put my life on hold while we wait for a child.

My advice during the waiting period is to keep busy doing things you enjoy, but don't let the adoption process consume you. Make sure you take a break from the reading, research, networking and thinking about adoption.

Best of luck to everyone. I hope your wait is a short one!

[dr.kad]

I really enjoyed reading your stories.

My husband and I can't get the child's room ready because we're going through the state DCS. We don't know the gender, age, or even the number of children we may be matched with.

So, I'm left spending my "adoption time" surfing the Internet for waiting children profiles and reading up on meeting the needs of older adoptees (Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew has been an important book for me). I'm trying to stay active in the adoption process in positive ways and not spend time dwelling--course, work takes my mind off the Wait.

Take care and good luck to all!

[kimmybee]

Pray, Pray, Pray

I'm waiting for my little one, I'm trusting that God has the baby picked out for me and that this will be in his timing. I ask for protection over my little one that I don't know, maybe he is born maybe not. It doesn't matter I pray for his safety while he is in the womb, I pray that God watches over him where ever he is. There is so much I don't know in this process it's nice to know that God is good and he knows what my family needs better than I so I trust in him. I don't, but maybe writing letters and putting them envelopes for a later day. I did this when I was preg. with son. It really helped and he has something to keep when he's older. I wrote love letters to him and it made the waiting feel better. It seems that the adoption process is like being preg just different timing sometimes less than 9 months and sometimes much longer. Peace be with you all.
Kim

[cakegirl]

My advice is to keep yourself busy, hopefully with things that will assist you later on.

I'm in the middle of the process in Australia, and it's a looong one... I'm currently working overseas temporarily, so getting ready for that, and then doing it, kept me pretty occupied!

My plans for when I get back include finishing a Spanish course I started before I left for my stint OS. (There is a possibility I will be adopting from Columbia.) I'll also be doing some other courses - getting qualified in Australian Sign Language, and doing my first aid, sports first aid, and first aid for children certificates.

Also my house is VERY cluttered, so I've made the commitment to cleaning it out and getting rid of the useless things I'm holding onto, donating a bunch of clothes and furniture to charity, and organising my garage. That's going to keep me VERY busy!

And finally, it's coming into Spring in Australia now. I've recently paved my back yard, so I want to get my hammer and saw out to make some planter boxes, organise myself some pots, and get my garden established BEFORE the baby arrives and I don't have the time any more!

Rebecca

[dr.kad]

Rebecca, have fun with that clean-up and starting the garden.

I've been doing things around the house too, like putting up a new smoke detector--dual sensor, of course...

I'm also trying to approach work differently. I keep thinking, "Will I have time for another project when we have children." And I talk with my colleagues who are parents!! In particular, I want to know how working parents manage to do all they do. My husband and I still have a child-free household and I never seem to have enough time...just like most humans.

Did I mention how much I hate waiting??? I'm pretty certain my CW is getting sick of me...

Good luck to all!

[Karen24]

I hate waiting and at this point I find it is easier to forget about waiting and keep on living! I am so tired of waiting and it has only been 3 months since we were approved and finalized. However we started just over a year ago. I don't want to get too excited and too eager. We too painted our extra room blue-"Blustery Day" a winnie the pooh color that can go girl or boy. I feel like it will never happen. I think our SW hates us too but I treat her like a friend and I email her good tidings and happy holidays to her family just so she remembers us. I do get scared that when it does happen I won't be prepared and I may fail at being a great parent. We also worry that maybe we picked the wrong people to find an infant for us. Maybe we won't ever get to be parents that is the scariest thing I can think of at this moment. The other scary thing...maybe their is a child out there that thinks they may never be loved. Keep the faith and hope and pray.

[mj77]

I spent my waiting having quality time with my dh. I took in every moment I could. I didn't want to look back after having children and say I didn't remember what life was like before them. My dh and I would drive aimlessly (gas was cheaper then ) and talked. We went to Disneyland together too.

I prayed, cried, wondering if God was on a coffee break and had forgotton us..

My faith grew because I finally grasped what giving over trust and control to God was.

When emotionally I could, I would take seminar classes and read books on kids, development, adoption etc.. I also got involved in a support group that I now help head up to this day.

MJ

[Hopefull]

During our wait we fixed up the nursery and read lots of books. I spent a lot of time online researching and talking to other adoptive and hopeful adoptive parents. Then I decided to make a list of things that I have always wanted to do. I got some info on taking a cruise to Mexico and my dh and I were trying to decide when to go. In the mean time I decided to make a week of fun. I made plans to go to a baseball game on Sun, Tues go to Reno and attend the rodeo and stay the rest of the week to gamble and relax. Well Sun the day of the game I got the flu and couldn't go. Then Tues we had the car packed up and were just getting ready to leave, when I got the call from our agency that our profile was being shown to a birthmother and that we should stay by the phone. Well, she picked us and we had our daughter in our arms 6 hours later. So instead of going to Reno for our jackpot we stayed home and got a tiny little pink jackpot. Best of luck to all of you during your wait. Rene

[akcskye]

Dr. Kad,

I'm going through the same method (state social services) to adopt our children.

We are painting our room neutral blue and neutral yellow and then as we meet the children, we'll learn more about them to know what they like, to accessorize the rooms.

Our Social Worker said it would make more "brownie points" with the homestudy people if it looked like you were preparing at least one room...people that appear to be making the effort are more seriously considered.

Just wanted to share.

[neenasee]

I created a secret baby registry at Babies R Us on line. I didn't tell anyone about it until after our first trip to meet our son. It was something fun to do and I updated it as I thought of other things I would like to add.

And of course I was on this forum 20 times per day at least!!

[ChitownTracy]

Let's see....
prior to "officially waiting" we began researching cribs and strollers and safety. This was a way to begin thinking positive that we will be parents one day...

*There are tons of different cribs out there from....regular cribs, to rod iron, round, even corner cribs.
Great cribs sites to check out:
poshtots.com
http://www.babytrilogy.com/shopping/index.html
(lead for corner cribs-great for mulitples and small spaces)
http://www.ababy.com/round-cribs.html
Awesome beautiful handpainted round cribs, great site overall

http://strollers.baby-gaga.com/
great research site for strollers, can finally learn all about the different kinds of strollers and compare and contrast.

*So when went into "offical waiting" we purchased a stroller/car seat combo (just in case that call comes in with short notice)
*parenting books- what to expect during the first year, happiest baby on the block, secret thoughts of an adoptive mom, creative homeowner-baby rooms, our agency gave us....understanding children 0-3, It began with Love, and my mom's co worker gave us- raising black children

*we were doing a lot of research on nursery designs and such. I wanted a glamourous nursery! so i started to look into custom designed bedding (which really isn't that much more than what Babies R Us sells, but much thicker and higher quality, especially with the bumpers)
*we have had time to rule out unisex nursery themes- moon and stars, fishes, and had picked out safari....
even found a wonderful handpainted sarfari crib, and custom bedding, and a wall muralist.....

Reailty------
*we have had 1 early lead loss, and 2 adoption losses since going into waiting in June 05. Our SWer said this is quite unusual to get 3 hits so quickly and back to back. The last adoption loss-fell through in the last 2 weeks. The lead was through foster care, and even our SWer was convinced it would go through (after many many conversations and such) well we thought we would be taking baby J home in early Oct (when we completed our DCFS class)


So we bought a semi impulsive floor model Ragazzi crib. and beautiful pink bedding from cach cach
http://www.bestforbabies.com/detail....TOKEN/61339976#
And then we had to do ...what i dreaded the most...return all the pink and pick back up with green and yellow, unisex stuff...
we did this yesterday and exchanged for
turtle walk- by brandee danielle
http://www.discountbeddingstores.com...le=Turtle+Walk

We are not going to send the nursery up quite yet


Some other things we are doing while waiting
*enjoying laying around on the weekends,
*going to sign up for an infant cpr/first aid class
*working on a blog http://tandtsadoption.blogspot.com/
*enjoying adult time, as hopefully, there will be no more soon!
*preparing files at work for a unknown maternity leave time- This is taking up a lot of time
*working later hours, b/c when baby comes we will be cutting back
*playing with the dogs and ferrets
*helping out temporary foster for our dog rescue
*if waiting time allows, take some cheap one or 2 night overnighter trips out of town
*begin working on a Lifebook, journaling the beginning steps of our Little One joining us
*find a foster parent/adoptive parent support group
*changed our portfolio options-we have asked to not be contacted every time our portfolio goes out...way to stressful for me

Spiritually
*we stopped going to our church last nov, when we had a miscarriage, our church is so focused on families and children, we feel left out and ignored
No one has even called us to check up on us...
*for my spiritual needs, i post on a Christian women's site that deals with infertility, adoption, and foster care
www.hannah.org

Hope this gives somebody some more ideas....
tracy

[blessedbybug]

It is important to be prepared to have a baby in your home, not only in the functional sense (ie, cribs, diapers, etc) but the emotional sense. As time went on, I started slowing down in some areas, knowing I would have to make room for the care of another person in some areas. A woman who experiences pregnancy automatically has the "slow down" feature (how else would I say that?) as her body makes adjustments to accomodate the growing little one. In a way, they have to slow down to make room for the babe and that prepares their life for this other person to enter. As waiting adoptive parents, we don't have that "feature" and have to find ways to make room. For me, it was in creating a space in our home for a child, but also, in my schedule. I moved to part-time work a few months before our match (we were matched and Bug was home within a week of match), not knowing that our match would happen soon. I did it deliberately to prepare for the possibility. When she came, I was on mat leave for a year and since have decided to SAH/WOH when she is at home. I think too many people don't prepare their lives for this new person, and when he/she comes, it is truly a shock.

We did physically prepare our home for a baby, including decorating a room and buying some gender neutral sleepers, diapers, etc. It was therapeutic for us to do as a family of two and it too helped the possibility to seem more real.

I read and read and read some more... about all sorts of parenting issues... discipline, sleep habits etc. But that is how I am... I Have to know!!!! I also did alot of reading on issues specific to adoption, mostly because we were also considering toddler adoption as we waited. We also visited with other families in open adoptions, to prepare ourselves as much as we could.

If you are waiting for a newborn, you could also take a newborn care class together. I had lots of experience with babies (18 nieces and nephews not to mention umpteen other kids in our lives will do that!) but DH did not. It was great fun to do that together.

The wait for me was a spiritual journey, learning to trust in the unseen and also, learning that I was not and could not be in control of this. I grew up alot and I do believe it has made me more compassionate in relationships with others, including Bug's first family. I also believe the wait has made me a more patient and thoughtful Mom...it wasn't easy, and at times, seemed to be one crisis of faith after another, but I can attest to the fact that my faith (and my marriage as well) are stronger for having persevered in our hopes for a family.

We had a mantra... "live every day to the fullest" and I am so glad we did. We did lots of travelling, we slept in, we stayed up late together reading, etc... all things that nurtured us that we knew may not happen as much after a child came home (and we were right in the assumption!!!) We also took the time to work on our own physical health, to start new habits that have led to a healthier lifestyle now.

The last thing I would want to say is, although we were blessed not to have experienced it, to prepare your hearts for the possibility of loss. Every match does not necessarily lead to placement, sad to say. We did well in guarding our hearts, to focus more on the expecting mom and the difficult decision she would have to make in order for us to be parents. That is a reality check for alot of first time waiters...it was for us!!! You hope for the best and prepare for the possibility, knowing this decision is not in your hands, but also knowing that when the situation is right, your child will be home.

Hoping for the best for you!!!!