[snaps]

Wondered how common it is for someone to turn down a match. My husband and I had to make a very difficult decision to turn down a match due to the possibility of the baby inheriting a potentially serious medical problem. We were then made to feel guilty by our agency. We felt bad enough as it was. Anyone out there had a similar experience? Thanks for your input.

[tobeafamily]

Good for you for not bowing to pressure to connect with someone whom you did not feel ready to. These expectant parents need adoptive parents who are willing, ready and able to parent their child and that's not you. And that's OK.

We declined several opportunities to connect with expectant parents making an adoption plan, for a variety of reasons. One honestly because we didn't 'click' with her, and couldn't forsee having her crazy life a part of ours. Another because the substance use during pregnancy was very high and we did not feel comfortable with the ramifications.

Honestly, who cares what the agency thinks? This is your life. Wait for the situation that feels absolutely right, where everything just 'clicks'. That's your connection.

BTW I hate the term 'match'. You're not identical, nor are you a set. That's why I use the term 'connection' - because that's what it is. You're connected by mutual agreement, for a single purpose - to care for a child. That's just me though.

JMHO

Regina

[Biffer1997]

My friend was just telling me today that she was told" don't you want a baby?" when she turned down a little boy who was hospitilized with kidney and liver problems. My friend felt guilted into agreeing to take him, but the birthmother decided to go with another family.

You and your family know what is best for you, so don't let the agency make you feel differently.

[LisaCA]

we actually turned down a few: a set of twins (dh freaked ), a young boy, 5 months old with possible cerebral palsy issues, and a newborn (bad timing for us), all within a month. Dd's match came along shortly thereafter.

the advice we were given by our facililtator was: "there will be other babies; don't feel that you have to say yes to a situation because you fear it will be the last baby." So we went with our gut. We also made the decision to only go forward with a match if both of us were 100% on the match, which is what led to the "no" to the twins and to the baby with possible cerebral palsy issues. I was willing, dh had doubts. I still worry about the one with palsy issues- i think about him often.

our agency was fine, as well as our facilitator. In fact our faciltator knew how difficult this decision was and she told me to go shopping and buy something for myself (she knew I believed in shopping therapy). they knew we were strong willed (at least i was, dh is a bit of a softie) and knew what was best for our family. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise-you know your family better than anyone. It's hard, and you do wonder if you'll ever get a baby, but the situation that is right for you will come about.

[timbo30]

We turned down a set of twins about a week and a half ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted to say yes because I wanted to be a mom so bad. But I knew it just wasn't the right situation for us at the time. Since that time we have had a couple of other possibilites come up. Nothing for sure yet. We will shown again shortlt, and am crossing my fingers that this is it. But I learned a lot from saying no. I became stronger. It would not be good for you, your family, or the child to be put into a situation where you felt forced to say yes. Somewhere down the road there would be regrets and problems. One time a sw made a comment that has really stuck with me. "It is hard to say no, but in the end we respect you more for knowing what you can and can not handle. We consider that a great quality." Maybe it wasn't those exact words but something very close. I keep reminding myself of that. Only you and your dh know what is right for your family. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything.

Timbo

[Hoping4ababy]

Don't feel bad that you had to turn a situation down. Me and my husband turned down a birthmother in January because her living expenses were SO high that we just couldn't afford to do it. It truly broke my heart to have to say no to her, but that situation just wasn't meant to be for us. Hang in there!!

Kenna
Hoping4ababy

[snaps]

Thanks guys for all of the support. It has really made me feel better about things.

Snaps

[bebedreamer]

Originally Posted by snaps

Wondered how common it is for someone to turn down a match. My husband and I had to make a very difficult decision to turn down a match due to the possibility of the baby inheriting a potentially serious medical problem. We were then made to feel guilty by our agency. We felt bad enough as it was. Anyone out there had a similar experience? Thanks for your input.

Hi,

My husband and I had to turn a baby down because it tested positive for Downs Syndrome. I know how you feel. I struggled because we want a baby so badly. Sadly, my husband and I are not in the position for one of us to quit our jobs and be a stay at home parent. This was hard too because we were already attached to our birthmother and really liked her. I felt like we were really letting her down. The bottom line was that my husband and I felt that we would not be prepared for this situation. The birthmother has since matched with a couple that already has one baby with downs and specifically asked to adopt another child with downs. So I feel like we were meant to turn it down. I wish you luck and do what's in your hearts. Only you, your husband and God know what is best for you. Don't let ANYONE pressure you into feeling bad. Good luck and God Bless you in your adoption journey.

[Shai's Mom]

My husband and I just (precisely 2 1/2 hrs ago) had to turn down a match for a little boy. Our DS is 3, will be 4 in November. The social worker called us today she had information on a little boy who turned out to be a year older than DS and came from an abusive background. He would also need Special Education.
The area we live in is too far from Special Ed facilities, I don't have the luxury of being a stay-home Mom and then there is the issue of adopting out of birth-order, namely "replacing" DS as the older one.
So we said no, but, oh, it broke my heart to do it. I am just so sad now.

[kllee4]

We've turned down one situation and it was due to extreme medical problems in utero. The baby was already identified as FTT (failure to thrive) and although we have had two former preemies who have had this diagnosis early due to their low birth weights and related medical conditions, the majority of their "issues" were reversible after they grew. This baby's condition was due to extreme alcohol and drug use thorughout the pregnancy and even the docotrs were concerned that with her being eight months pregnant, the baby was roughly the size of a five month old fetus. Brain size was the greatest concern for all of us, including the pbirth mother.

We were willing to adopt a baby girl whose mother was HIV positive and who had begun protocol, even with the possibility that the baby still had a slim chance of being positive as well. However, the mother decided to sign over guardianship to an aunt and we were happy that she decided to have the baby remain in the family.

We still think of these two particular children often and pray that they are well.

[DenimGirl]

Hi there.

We had to turn down a situation where the baby would have cystic fibrosis & mild to moderate FAS. Our SW sort of made us feel guilty but she's all about $$$ but after speaking to her, she did say that there would be a family out there somewhere that would take a baby with health issues. In a way, I did feel bad but on the other hand, I kept thinking that I wanted a baby as healthy as possible for the money we have to spend.