[pechocha]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if I'm in a unique situation, we have no children and have finished our homestudy with the state agency, and waiting to be matched with a child or sibling set from the ages of 0 - 4 yrs old.. However, I have been experiencing some second thoughts about toddler adoption and I been thoroughly thinking about newborn adoption, I feel it in my heart, and I'll bet is every women's dream. By this, I mean on going thru a private adoption agency and adopt the newborn, because with the state will take years, and years.. We have the money to do a private adoption, the only thing is that for some reason my husband does not want a newborn for now... WHY?? He thinks he is buying a baby.. He keeps saying that we should adopt a toddler, and we could adopt the newborn later.. I feel a little hurt, that he only thinks of himself, or perhaps, I am being the one thinking only in myself. Anyway, I'm also afraid that I will not bond or attach to the toddler... Have any of you been thru something similar to my situation? What is your advice? Please help!!

Isa

[LisaCA]

hi,

dh and I planned on adopting a toddler until we read up on the issue. It seemed, to be honest, that we had no clue on parenting, and newborns were more forgiving. Toddlers can have issues that allow for a smaller margin of error: for instance, at the time both dh and i traveled for business. This can be problematic for toddlers with attachment issues. So we moved on to newborn adoption, vowing to reconsider toddler adoption later, when we feel more sure of our parenting skills.

I would recommend a book entitled Toddler adoption by mary hopkins-best. It gives a clear view on toddler adoption.

one of the things to consider is why your dh feels the way he does. Why does he feel it's buying a baby? maybe some counseling sessions (just a handful specific to this topic of adoption) would help the communication issues. Dh and I decided together on each issue, and vowed that we would not proceed on a match unless both of us were 100% on board. That meant we passed on a number of infants before finding the one that was perfect for us. our marriage is by no means perfect, but i think we passed on some future grief by doing it this way. If you feel as if you're giving something up, it's time to investigate that.

I wish you luck-the decision between toddler and infant didn't come quickly for us-we took our time (over a year thinking this thru). There are many good reasons to adopt a toddler, but I think it's key to know what you're getting into. you probably have some idea since you've taken classes for your homestudy, but it's always good to explore it further.

you might want to post this on the general adoption board- a number of folks have adopted toddlers, and have had these sort of discussions with their spouses and can offer some advice.

good luck!

LisaCA

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by LisaCA

hi,
I would recommend a book entitled Toddler adoption by mary hopkins-best. It gives a clear view on toddler adoption.

LisaCA

Thank you for posting the info about the book. I am just completing my homestudy to adopt a toddler. I'd didn't know this book existed!! *off to amazon.com to buy it!*

[pechocha]

Thank you Lisa, I actually bought that book a few days ago, and I'm starting to read it, just a few pages, and that's when I thought toddler was not meant for me at least not for now, since we don't have any children... My husband is starting to read it as well... Let's hope for the best..

Isa

[Trophy Husband]

We were going to take a toddler but they found a baby quicker. It's been wonderful.

www.adoptingemma.blogspot.com

People have all kinds of feelings that matter but really don't especially questioning their own motives "am I buying a baby" etc... We sort of stumble around and God has worked it out for us. Get a kid and love your heart out.

my wife who works had a harder time bonding to our daughter, but she's fully attached now. I just kept reminding her....we have about 60 years with this kid...don't worry so much.

good luck.

happy to talk to your husband.

p.s. i wish more folks would go through county/state agencies and take kids with special needs, but oversees kids, private agency kids need homes to so no big deal. Good luck

[Kristenwes]

If you are worried about attachment and bonding issues the book by Nancy Thomas: When Love Is Not Enough This book has alot of neat techniques that can be used on children with possible attachment issues. Just a suggestion

[tlegan02]

My husband & I also just finished our homestudy and have been approved for a child 0-2yrs. We are excited and nervous. I have read several different books. The best one was "Parenting the hurt child" by Gregory Keck. I recommend this book to anyone adopting a child either from another country or the US. I do not recommend "Adopting the hurt child" because it had me so worried. Parenting has been a blessing. I find myself reading it over again.

We are looking at the toddler adoption. We are also childless and are worried about the attachment but have meet several couple from our parenting classes and they bonded with time. Nothing tramatic. It is really a personal choice. The best thing is it has to be a choice you make as a couple. We can tell you what works for us but that may not be what you and your husband need. Newborns vs toddlers have pro & cons on both. It is what you really want in your heart.