[NDN]

I am just starting. I have 2 bio children, 2 & 4 y/o boys. When I was having my boys, my midwife was trying to adopt. She told me that they were having trouble being matched because she already had a 14 year olg daughter. Is this common?

[SchmennaLeigh]

You didn't state if you were trying domestic adoption or not but I'll give you my input on domestic adoption and prior children, as that's where my experience lies. I'm sure others can give you other information as they all have much experience.

I placed my birthdaughter with a family that had three (older) boys from the Adoptive Dad's previous marriage. Some of my friends and family were confused as to my reasoning, and here is my own personal reasoning which is in no way the reasoning or thought process of every potential birthmother or birthmother out there.

I wanted my child to have siblings. I also knew, from listening to stories during our match conversation and following ones, that they knew how to parent children. I knew that even the most stubborn child (if she caught my gene) would be fine in their home.

I only looked at families that had other children and it did not matter whether they were biological or previously adopted. (And it didn't matter to me in my heart OR mind; all children are equal.)

I know other birthmothers have thought about the situation differently but I just wanted to give you hope that there might be others who think like me.

I hope you are matched soon enough. *hugs*

[twyla]

Hi, NDN!

SchmennaLeigh said it VERY WELL! In most domestic adoptions, everything depends on the birth mother's point of view, and what she is looking for in prospective adoptive parents for her baby.

My son's birth mother, Sabrina, was going to place him with her best friend, Cathy. They talked about it for several months and then decided, 2 days before I left a search letter at Cathy's place of work, that they both felt he would be best parented by a childless couple. They each already had 3 children at home and Sabrina wanted Ryan to be an 'only', at least while he was a baby so he would get as much attention as possible. Right or wrong in her assumptions, this was how she felt and what she based her initial choice of us on. We came to discover that we have many of the same views and that we both wanted openess for the main purpose of allowing the kids to know each other as sibblings.

There are probably equal numbers of birth mothers on both sides of the issue. We are all unique and be assured that you will be chosen based on what the prospective birth mother is looking for and feels you can offer her little one, future sibblings and all. May your journey be as smooth as possible in your quest to give your sons a little brother or little sister.