[79nic]

Just wondering how many birthmothers here have helped out with a p-aparent's DBML?

And p-aparents... do many of you enlist the help of bmothers in writing your DBML?

I've helped many p-aparents with their letters in the past year. And I've actually written a brief article for website of the agency I placed Marie through, at the agency's request.... should be up soon.

I am wondering what you do when you get a DBML that you feel needs quite a bit of work? Do you mention EVERYTHING you think should be changed to the p-aparents, or do you pick and choose the most important points to address?

Aparents.... were you ever offended at how many things a birthmom thought you should change?

I am an English graduate who's been a professional editor in the past, and I make my living writing now (child profiles), so it's kinda easy for me to find a ton of things to re-word, ways to cut out wordiness, ways to rearrange the letter, etc. I also tend to find a lot of punctuation mistakes.

Do p-aparents want to hear about ALL those things? Just curious!

Nicole

[BrandyHagz]

I have helped prospective adoptive parents with their DBML’s…and when I do, the one thing I tell them beforehand is that I am brutally honest…I don’t usually hold back.

Do PAP’s take all the advice? Some do…some don’t, it depends.

A local couple here a few months ago asked me to look over theirs…and it was one that was focused more on their possessions than their life together as a couple. It also had a few blurbs about how every child disserved two parents and nice stuff and on and on…and I have to tell you, the gag factor just reading over it was overwhelming.

They elected not to take my advice and submitted to their agency anyway…their letter was declined by the agency and they had to redo it. Their second letter was more in line with what I think a DBML letter should be…more of a picture of their life together.

I think its important for adoptive couples to talk to all sides of the triad while they are preparing to adopt. I volunteer at a local agency talking to hopeful adoptive couples about Open Adoption…I do it because I feel like I have an important voice in adoption…

[MNelson]

We didn't enlist a birthmother's help in writing our letter, although if I'd known who or how to ask, we certainly would have. I would definitely have wanted to hear the guidance and insight. Like Brandy mentioned, it would have been really helpful to us to illuminate important parts that might be missing.

I would be reticent, though, to provide too much editing guidance. It ultimately needs to be in the voices of the p-aparents so that there isn't a huge disconnect between thewritten word and the folks in person. That might just lead to disappointments for all involved.

Maybe even the things that Brandy found offensive need to be heard. If a couple has the perspective that material goods are what is central in their lives, then maybe a p-birthparent needs to see that up front. Who knows, perhaps those are values that are shared, but if its edited out the truth, positive or negative, is not there to see.

So, I guess my view is, yes, we would've have accepted all possible help in preventing us from looking like complete dodos, but I'm questioning whether I should be careful of what I wished for

[BrandyHagz]

From what I gathered with me few brief meetings with this couple, the materialistic thing wasn’t a character trait…at least I didn’t get that feeling. Usually you know when you are around people who have that frame of mind.

After talking to them a bit the second time around…I got the impression that they were under the assumption that the more they had to show for themselves, the more desirable they would be to a potential birthmother. I think they had bought into the stereotype that the one with the most, wins.

[79nic]

I would be reticent, though, to provide too much editing guidance. It ultimately needs to be in the voices of the p-aparents so that there isn't a huge disconnect between thewritten word and the folks in person. That might just lead to disappointments for all involved.

I agree Plareb... but a lot of times p-aparents are not really using their own voice, they are writing in this really passive, wordy style that actually does not reflect them at all.

A good editor would be able to help the p-aparents' voices/meaning come through AND make the writing good.

[AMom2Two]

Originally posted by 79nic
And p-aparents... do many of you enlist the help of bmothers in writing your DBML?

Aparents.... were you ever offended at how many things a birthmom thought you should change?

Do p-aparents want to hear about ALL those things? Just curious!

Hi Nicole...

I am an aparent who has asked several bmom's to read my DBML. I am not offended if they cut, reword or rearrange the letter.

When I wrote my first DBML, my thoughts were all over the place. I wanted to put so much in, that the letter came out jumbled and not flowing very well. I am so thankful that a small group of ladies, here at the forum, took the time to read this for me and correct my error's.

I was actually ashamed at how many small error's I had in the profile in regard to comma's, grammar and structure. Once these items were pointed out to me, I could see it very well. I felt so relieved that I did run this letter by them.

In my situation, all the wonderful bmom's took what I had written and just rearranged it. It was still my words, just better structured. If there were things I said that could offend someone, they suggested I rewrite it showing me why they feel that way. For example, I made a mistake when I said I can provide a peaceful, loving and stable home. That small mistake could have offended some bmom's by thinking they are not stable and cannot provide a stable home. They would have just passed me over not realizing I didn't mean it the way they took it.

I feel very honored that the bmom's from this site were completely honest with me. I would not want it any other way. I don't need someone to sugar coat my feelings on something as important as your DBML.

For me, honesty is always best.

Hugs,

[BabyLuv222]

There is a good book on writing letters called 'Reaching Out' by Nelson Handel - 'the guide to writing a terrific 'Dear Birthmother Letter''. The autohor spoke at an Adoption Conference in LA this past winter.

Best wishes,

[79nic]

Thanks for the input, Amom.

BTW.... Want you to know your letter was definitely good in terms of what you were saying.... it was just the re-structuring for you.

I have read some where you can tell the p-aparents are probably scared sh!@$less by the thought of open adoption. Now, any bmoms get those? What do you do?

I would never tell someone to fudge in their letter and make it seem like they're willing to consider open adoption if they're not, but the problem is that sometimes (not always) the p-aps that want closed also have a sort of... disrespect... for bparents. (Hope I'm not offending anyone here..... not all p-aps, just some.) You know what I mean.... letter is full of cliches and token phrases but there is no genuine feeling for the bparents, and you can tell the phrases are just there to make a bmom consider them...

Now what the heck do you DO with a letter like that?

Hmmm.

[MNelson]

Nicole -- I guess that's where I'm coming from in letting their true perspectives show through. Maybe it's just a matter of getting educated rather than an inherent disrespect for birthparents. But if that's the case then they would be receptive to the guidance to read up some more on raising adoptive children. If that is not the case, then halelujah that it would be less likely for someone to get chosen that would project such negative impressions to their adopted child. I know that sounds harsh, but there are plenty of p-aparents who have great respect for birthparents, and would live that in their daily lives.

I do see yours and Brandy's point about helping them express what their true colors are. But with a "letter like that" with obvious disrespect that is not just based on hapless ignorance, then I say let it lie.

Maybe I'm a little riled up after reading some opinions over the past couple of days here that made me wish there was a greater weeding out process for those aparents that just don't get it. Argh!

[79nic]

Plareb,

You are right... let it lie as is.

Fortunately not many of those come my way, as (I suppose) paparents who have little respect for bparents are not likely to enlist a bmother's help in much of anything!

[HeatherDawn]

My biggest struggle in the adoption process thus far aside from going through the homestudy was the DBML.

I struggled like I never struggled before in my life trying to write the letter not to offend anyone. Now I just want to throw the letter away.

I was careful not to make it look like I wanted the **'s baby that she was still caring, like it wasn't hers or something, I was careful not to take that away from her, it was hard to try to word the letter in a way that I was not saying "I want to raise "your" baby" or not to say "I want to love or hold "your" baby".

I have rewritten it two times since I have turned it into my agency... I am thinking the social worker is going to think I am a nut for correcting errors found reading it later, and then changing the wording as I was in there correcting the errors and resending it to her asking her to throw the old out and replace it with the new.

I want to change it again after reading some of the things above, I too have said something to the extent of my DH and I having a loving stable, financial secure environment....someone posted that she was told to change that, but what are you suppose to replace it with... and we do have those things to offer, we are not referring to the ** not being able to provide that but letting her know that we can, that she is not giving her child to some family that doesn't feel confident in the fact that they truly have this for their baby.... I am confused...
In my letter it starts out telling her that we sit there staring at the cursor blinking on this blank page not knowing exactly what to say....I proceed to tell her that I try to imagine her, but I can't see her face, that I don't know her exact smile, or what makes her laugh or what makes her sad. '
You see, I need her to know that I think of her everyday, but I don't know her, and how I try to see the mother that may bless my family one day in my imagination. Am I wrong to fill her in on that in my letter.

I also have three dogs that I tell her about in my letter, two whippets (miniature Greyhounds) and one Greyhound that we adopted, I go on to tell her about thier personalities, and I tell her about the adoption process with the Greyhound and how when we first brought him home he didn't know how to walk up or down stairs, that he didn't know how to eat solid food, that we had to water down his food so he could eat (they eat protien mush at the racetracks) and the saddest thing of all is that he didn't know how to play, that we had to teach him how to play....etc, etc......should I not have talked about the dogs so much? Will that offend her? But its us, that is our life right now, maybe I am offending the people who I am not meant to be the future aparent of, maybe I can't try to market myself to each ** that reads my letter, maybe I am only meant to attract my **...

I too in my letter mention that we built a home last year, and it sits on 11arce with trails in back and pond out front, that I enjoy watching the sunsets in the summer and consider ourselves lucky because we can view them so easily from our porch, that in the fall when the leaves change and start to fall how we like to take walks in our trails because we find it relaxing, and in the winter time our favorite thing to do is ice skating on our pond because we practically laugh the whole time.

I don't know, I am affraid, affraid to offend and affraid to change because I might be changing it and I lose my chance.

Maybe I should have someone read it. Any thoughts here, I think I am rambling and I am very confused.

[tbmichals]

where do I find someone to read my dear birthmom letter?

[HeatherDawn]

I guess someone is suppose to here, I am not sure...I haven't had any responses yet.

[spaypets]

I am not a birthmother and because I adopted internationally, I never had to write a dear birthmother letter.

But I am a writer. And as I understand it, a dear birthmother letter is to showcase a couple, describe what they're like, so that an expectant parent can choose the kind of family for her child that she wants.

So, with that purpose, I think describing in detail the way you care for your dogs and the sort of life you lead is perfect. As someone who has spent a long time in animal welfare, I like you already based on your description of teaching your dog to play (I did the same thing with our husky, so I can relate). A birthmother who doesn't feel warmly toward that story, probably isn't a match anyway--if you're going to have an open adoption, it's probably good if you have some fundamental things in common, and attitudes about pets, IMHO, is a fundamental value.

[HeatherDawn]

spaypets,

First I want to thank you for taking the time to reply on my post, you need to know how much that means to me.
Thank you for recognizing that statement like you did, I didn't expect it to be noticed like that and when you noted it in your post I nearly cried....don't I sound corny, but really, thanks...your a good person.