[79nic]

Hi everyone,

I am sorry I did not see these posts sooner....

Spaypets is exactly right. Heather, you said something to the effect of "maybe you're not supposed to market yourself for every p-bmom..."

That is it, exactly. There is no way you can appeal to every p-birthmother. The purpose of the DBML is to provide an honest glimpse into your life, so that the p-bmom can make an informed decision about who she places with.

There's nothing wrong with mentioning you live on a lot of land... nothing wrong with talking about your dogs (in fact that part is neat, it really reveals something about you).

As far as financial stability.... saying like that--financially stable--is just fine, too.

The thing that is so unappealing is when p-aparents talk about nothing but their possessions, or try to make things sound better than they are, or just come off as pretentious.

Saying you live on 11 acres is fine.... saying you live on a "large, rolling estate in the richest part of Southern California, with Julia Roberts next door" is something else. Do you see what I'm saying? A lot of it is how you word things.

Saying you like to travel to Europe in the springtimes to visit your roots, or whatever, is great.... saying "we holiday abroad several times a year to visit my husband's cousin, the Queen of England" sounds awfully pretentious. (And what p-bmom really cares if you're related to royalty or not? )

That's all we were saying above..... material possessions aren't what most of us want to hear about. In general, we'd much rather hear about your interests, your relationship with each other, your beliefs about open or closed adoption, etc.

Your letter sounds like it's fine, Heather. Sounds like you've been honest and provided a beautiful glimpse into your lives and personalities.

HTH.

N

[HeatherDawn]

79nic,

I am glad you gave me those examples...you kind of made me laugh, were those real comments in DBML's or were they just made up, if they were made up your pretty witty.

I was thinking, maybe I should have told her that in the spring most of the 11 acres floods and my favorite purchase of that season was my rubber boots I bought so I could go splash around in the trails...how funny....(I was truly elated about the purchase of my boots, for real lol)maybe I should have put that, that would be truly honest....

Again, your examples make a lot of sense to me...thanks for the clarification

[spaypets]

HeatherDawm, I've got to say that if the DBLs that I've read on line are any indication, yours is so much more detailed and revealing about your life. I'm getting great mental pictures -- someone's going to fall in love with the image of her child tramping through those puddles and playing with those dogs.

[HeatherDawn]

Spaypets,
thanks, I take that as a huge compliment....your good for my ego, I'll tell ya that much...
But I hadn't put that in my letter about the flooding/boots/splashing ...I did originally in my first draft mentioned that I like to jump in puddles...I removed it...maybe I should have left it, it is something I do on an occassion, can't help it, guess that is the child still within me that just hasn't gone away, my husband shakes his head everytime...how funny
But I think everyone should try it, just walk through a puddle once with a little effort behind your step, I think you'll get a giggle or two out.

[79nic]

They were made-up examples.

I also want to clarify something:

I do not read through DBML's as a business practice. I've never charged money or anything else to do this, and I've never been paid for any opinions I have on this.

In short, I am NOT a professional.

So, just keep that in mind... my observations are my own after reading many dozen letters, and after giving my perspective as a bmom to a couple dozen or so couples.

That's all.... so if you are looking for a pro to review your work, I'm not it.

Just wanted to make sure that was clear....

Nicole

[HeatherDawn]

79nic,

No, don't need a pro, bmom's opinion is something you can't beat, which I am thankful you read my post and replied, that is good enough for me.

[Wnderlnd]

Nicole and any others,
What a wonderful thread!

We did ask a birthmother who is also a writer to help us with our DBPL and our autobiographies. We each wrote our autobiographies and then sent them to her to edit. I personally feel more comfortable with my writing and it only needed a little editing and proofing...you know how we tend to overlook our own mistakes enve after we set it aside a little while. On the other hand, my husband was a little more shy and passive in his which doesn't really fit his personality. After tlaking with both of us, and asking a few questions that we has to write the answers to, she was able to do some re-writing and editing of my husband's autobiography to the point that is says what he wanted to say and how he would say it, but didn't exactly word it corrected the first time. As soon as I read it, I knew it was perfect for him and he loved it. For the most part it is still his writing.

As for our letter, there was a lot of overlap from our autobiographies (which were each 5 pages long). Out letter was also five pages with pictures, four without. I enlarged the font and inserted subheadings. I read Nelson Handel's book which wa a HUGE help. WE wrote a breif letter and then asked the birthmother to help us which was SO HELPFUL. She was very honest and it didn't hurt our feelings at all. We figured that she was the expert as a birthmother and as a writer. Her delivery of the changes was gentle but fromher heart. Maybe that is what helped. We did make a few more changes from there, but there were minor; such as, she had included a phrase that neither of us would ever say but we understood her meaning, so we changed it to a phrase that was more"us".

I am pretty longwinded, so I apologize for this response being so long...it's just me...our profile shows it, too. Good news is that we have been chosen by a potential birthmother in just under three months, so I guess everyhting was okay. We meet her tomorrow for the first time and she is due to deliver on 3/11/05! According to our SW, she loves to talk, and since I do to, I think it will be great! I am so very excited!

I think your helping prospective adoptive parents is wonderful and such a gift! To share your craft with others in this way is truly appreciated by so many.
I hope this helps,
Alice

[PMB5]

I'm ashamed to say that it didn't even occur to us nor was it suggested by our adoption agency to consult a birthmother when writing our DBML. It completely makes sense. We are in the process of writing our letter and just finished the second draft. I would love for a birthmother to read our letter. How do we go about doing this? I'm so glad I came across this post.

[79nic]

Sorry to add this post...

I've gotten a few pm's lately from people wondering about me looking over their Dear Expectant Parent Letters. Totally understandable, considering this thread...

I think I managed to reply to everyone via pm, but.. just to serve as a heads up to anyone else who comes across this thread:
Honestly, and this is not personal towards anyone, I am not up to critiquing letters for the time being.

If something changes and I feel capable of helping out other forum members in this way in the future, I will post again... but right now, it's just not possible.

Thanks for understanding,

Nicole

[Nelson]

Speaking as someone who has also critiqued a lot of DBMLs, I ask that you respect Nicole's request. Reading other's letters can be a very emotional experience. Frankly, that's why i wrote the book. I wanted to help as many people as i could, but it was so emotionally draining to get involved with each individual story that i got no other work done.

That being said--and nothing personal to any of the terrific birthmom that contribute to this site--I'm not sure birthmom are necessarily who you need to get your feedback from. friends, family, your adoption professional, and your own good sense are far more important, and i think, more useful is helping you get an authentic expression of yourself down on paper. Separate from whatever other skills and gifts they may have, the mere fact of having made a placement doesn't necessarily make you a good editor of the written word.

I say this not to denigrate anyone's skills, but to quash any thought that might crop up (and believe me they do) that the only way you'll get a great letter out there is if you can find a ** to help you. I have spoken with many wonderful BPs over the years, many of whom have wonderful things to say about the process. But for most, it was an intensely personal experience unique to them. Their views reflect that experience, and not the broader experience of, say, an adoption professional who has helped with hundreds of placements.

Your adoption experience will be similarly unique to you and your child's BPs. That unique experience begins with you finding a unique communication that expresses who you are. if you can do that, you will connect with the EP who is right for you.

[HeatherDawn]

Thanks for your advice.

Come to find out, my letter was fine. My husband and I were chosen by a **. We had our baby girl for one month and three days....she asked for our baby back and we no longer have her.