[ahimsa]

Hello! I'm fairly new to this site and in the process of adopting a 2 and 3 year old sibling pair through DCFS in LA. I feel like I was prepared for every aspect of adoption except one...DISCRIMINATION! My job pays maternity leave 75% of the salary, but adoption 50%. The best preschools have waiting lists, which is great when you have a 9-month warning as to when you are to become a mother, but terrible for adoptive parents. I also have had so many "well-meaning" (and some not so well-meaning) friends and family say horrifying things to me about adoption. Everything from misconceptions about adoption to making fun of my soon-to-be son's name! I really thought that everyone would be as excited for us as if we were giving birth. Boy was I wrong! I am just wondering if anyone else is going through this and you have any advice.

Thank you !
Joc

[34andhopeful]

My job pays maternity leave 75% of the salary, but adoption 50% WOW - I am surprised by that one. Not to stir thing sup, but I would check to see if thast is legal...

I do hate the waiting list game. I am on every waiting list. But, I will tell you that the women in my mothers group are also on the waiting lists. When they were pg with their forst child, school was the last thing they thought about. Those who have two kids, got on the list as soon as they found out they were pregnant.

There are a lot of misconceptions about adoption - I blame LifetimeTV and the media. Remember that they broadcast the horrors of adoption and foster care. If they spoke everyday about all of the good they would never get any advertisers.

The news in the DC area is always about horror - they never talk about the kid who gets 100% on all of his /her tests. They never talk about the joy of adoption...I am on a high horse....LOL Hope that helped.

[tobeafamily]

Get your friends & family a copy of the book "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Friends & Family Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston.

As to preschools, have a chat with the directors of the schools you're intrested in. You might find some 'flexibility' OR they may be willing to put you on the waiting list early.

Hang in there,

Regina

[Liepolds]

From what others have posted on this sight, lots of companies give no maternity leave at all for adoptions.

I think the reason it is less is because, when you have a child, there is a physical reason for taking off time from work. Please don't think I am being rude, I was reading on this very subject, and bascially, since we have no physical re-coup time, that is why the pay is less.

It seems not fair, but, it makes sense to me. I am just happy my company is covering the 50%!

Best of luck!

Kim

[dadfor2]

scottandjoc,

QUOTE:
"My job pays maternity leave 75% of the salary, but adoption 50%.'


does your job pay 75% maternity leave to fathers?

some companies dont pay for adoption leave. My company treats adoption and maternity...all under the same thing...'Family Leave'....so it doesnt matter which...

but i would check to see if birth dads get the same as birth moms...if not, it could be due to medical reasons.

i understand you think its not fair...but see what dad might get, and then you might see how some dads feel, alot of times they get nothing....

as for people being unsupportive....well, take it with a grain a salt, people just dont understand....we never ran into that problem, so i cant relate....but im sure there are great combacks you can think off, or others....i have read them on here and they are funny

a lack of education doesnt mean they are not being supportive, it just means they are not educated, thats all.

regarding waiting lists....welcome to the club on that....birth or adoption.....we all sit and wait....nothing unusual about that.

congratulations on your new arrivals....thats wonderful....

dont let the system get you down...birth or adoption...the system doesnt work that great...never has, never will....thats where we the parents come in and advocate, educate, and do everything we can to get our children the services they need....

to get our kids services sometimes is a full time job..i know from experience believe me...

dadfor2

[ahimsa]

34andhopeful,

Thank you for your insight. I did find an adoption parent group in my area that I am going to start attending soon. It will be nice to have other parents to talk to. I never knew how isolating this experience would be. When I see my pregnant friends and they are showered with attention and well wishes. It's not that every experience has been negative. Some have been wonderful. However, I now realize that there is a bias toward adoption, which is very unfortunate. As far as my work situation, it isn't illegal, because my job pays 50% for maternity or adoption. However, our health plan has option "disability" coverage that compensates pregnancy, not adoption, up to 75%. I find it interesting that something "chosen" like pregnancy is classified as a disability. Just as I wouldn't think that an elective surgery such as rhinoplasty would constitute a "disability". Anyway, I appreciate the response and the opportunity to "vent" to others going through the same thing!

Thanks!
Joc

[ahimsa]

I just wanted to TOTALLY agree about the dads thing. Although my job allows for paternity leave (if I were a man), my husbands does not. He has over 2 months of accrued sick leave and is not allowed to use it for adoption. He has been speaking to his union rep and may be able to get away with four days off, and one day on, each week, to get around the rules. I agree that fathers, whether biological or adoptive, should get to take leave when there is a new child in the family.

As far as the rest of my message, I am so sorry if I seem to be complaining to much! I am hoping to get my babies soon and am SO excited about it, I just had a bad experience this weekend that has left me kind of down. Mostly, I've been handling it well. I just enjoy being able to post here and talk to others about it!

THANK YOU!!!!!

[dadfor2]

hi scottandjoc

off the subject a minute...joco was my nickname in highschool...its funny seeing it in print...though joc...it brought back memories...

anyway, you might want to talk to your husband to talk to his union rep about adoption........

with adopted kids, it is crusial that he and you have time with the children to attach......

it is a matter of mental health and a successful adoption....

yes, birth and adoption are different...birth kids are attached to caregivers when they are born, some say even when the baby is in the womb....

you, as parents, will not have that chance....so it is very important that both you and your husband are home with your children so the children have time to attach...attachment doesnt happen when a child is placed in your home...it takes time...

the children need to know who you are and who your husband is.

plus, some say that no one should pick up your children but you for a while because they need to know who is the caregiver....quite different then birth children where everyone picks up the baby when he/she comes home

some say that each parent should take off 6 mo, i know its impossible to do this for some, like ourselves.....but we both had three months off when our first son came....

you need for them to listen....attachment is the key to adopted kids, and if your not there, how are these kids going to attach...

you might want to tell your husband to state his case around having time off for his kids to attach...

maybe he can go on disability, family leave, something....but you both should be there....these children need to know who mommy and daddy are...not just mommy or not just daddy....

its just an idea to get across to your husbands job...

these are not birth kids, these are adopted kids, and it is very important that you both have time to bond and attach to the kids, as well as give them a chance to bond and attach....

he needs that time off.....he should demand it....no matter how they work it out....he needs to take his earned time when the kids come.

dadfor2

[Opus]

Joc,

First of all, congratulations to you and your husband.

Ditto to Regina's suggestion to purchase the Johnston book - its very practical and it will help dispel some of the misconceptions family members may have regarding adoption. We were lucky as our families were very supportive of our decision and our kids but we did have to set a few people straight and this book was helpful.

Unfortunately, when we brought our kids home, my job did not provide family leave. I used vacation time in both instances to spend a few weeks at home with each one and my wife (whose job did provide maternity leave). Even though they were infants, I agree with dadfor2 that its important for dad to bond, too.

Anyhow, just my 2 cents. 2 and 3 yo - its going to be fun...

[ahimsa]

Thanks for all of the advice about taking leave. I am taking 6 weeks and my husband is working on taking five of them. The last week of my leave will be getting them acclimated to day care. I hate that I only get 6 weeks. I was so hoping that it would happen near summer, because I get 10 weeks off in the summer - but...it didn't! I would like to take more, but it would be unpaid. I'm scared to burn through our savings by taking more. We always said we wouldn't adopt until we had a "nest egg" in the bank. I'm scared to use that because it could be hard to build back up once there are four of us. I'm very torn! I'm worried that 6 weeks won't be enough time! We will get a few more weeks in December, but that's not for a while. Once the kids are in day care, it will only be from 7 to 3, but I am still concerned. I think I'll take my 6 weeks and if it looks like there is no way I can go back, then we'll deal with the financial part then!

[lisa in venice]

About the preschool thing..... I ran into the same thing. Here on the Westside where women sign up for popular preschools when they find out they are pg! . I didn't have that option but I found that many preschool directors will "find" space for you in special circumstances and if they can't I really have found that those aren't the preschools you want anyway.

Have you considered a nanny for the first few months? Fulltime preschool for two kids will cost about the same as hiring someone full time who can cook and clean as well as watch the kids. It takes an extra step in that they have to be fingerpriinted and have the child abuse index but it can solve the immediate problem and give you time to find thos elusive spots at preschools.

lisa