[nrj]

I havent posted for a while because I have been very busy with the child I have been matched with and who has been with me for a few months. It is nearing the time to finalize and I'm having doubts about it. She has been a real chore for the first three months with testing and various incidents and problems, also a small fire, which her profile stated she had done twice before in previous placements. Every time that I feel that the testing is over and things will work out, she does something else. Now with school starting (she is in high school) I feel that there will be problems in the classroom and with the students. Deep down inside I feel that she will never change. I have had some really stressful things happen and thinking back on them, I probably should have disrupted a few months ago. This child has been in four pre-adoptive homes and a group home. She is counting the days till her permanency, and I get the feeling that I haven't really seen her in action yet and that things will continue to go down hill once I finalize. She is clever and knows how to be the perfect child if she feels that I am not sure about her staying with me. I may just be getting cold feet, but my gut says that I'm making a mistake by finalizing. I don't feel close to her and I dont have the feelings I should have at all. The situations that have happened have caused me to not even like her a lot of the time. They have her in the catagory of mild emotional, but things are telling me that she is moderate at least. When I decided to adopt, I was so happy to be matched, but her behavior prevents us from having a good relationship and I no longer have my heart into it. She may just not be the right child for me, and I may not be the right mother for her. I am not being pressured by the caseworkers, but I feel pressured because the six month wait is less than two months away (paperwork is started) and I don't see it getting better. I have to make a decision soon. How can I tell whether its just cold feet or really not the right match???? Should I follow my inner voice? How long do I keep trying to feel something for her ? I am so confused ! Any opinions would really help. Also, if anyone has had this situation, please give me your thoughts. Thanks so much.

[DianeS]

Go with your gut feeling. If you could not handle this child if she NEVER changed, then you should not finalize the adoption.

However, choosing to not finalize on the first possible date does not mean you have to have her moved. There's nothing at all wrong with telling her worker that you insist on living with her longer before making such a life-altering decision. Then you could live with her longer before deciding whether to finalize or disrupt.

If you can't handle her at all, then by all means have her moved. Is she in therapy? Talking to her therapist about your reasons might give the therapist more stuff to work with her about. Make a journal about her behaviors and what about them makes you unwilling to continue the placement - such information may be valuable for you in evaluating future placements, as memory tends to fade with time.

If you are not the mother who can handle this child at her worst, you would not be doing her a favor by continuing to try. Someone somewhere can handle her, and would consider it a blessing to be able to do so. If that's not you, then don't beat yourself up. If you can handle her right now but do not feel capable or willing to be responsible for her until she turns 18 years old, then you may want to give it more time without finalizing. Sometimes a gut feeling is all we have to go by, so we should not ignore it.

I wish you both luck.

[sherlilly1]

I can't say I understand what you are going through. My son is 11 and we've been having problems. I don't think you should give up. I'm adopted and my parents had a very hard time with me. I'm so glad they didn't give up on me. Maybe she just needs to know that no matter what your there for her and whatever help she needs you'll get it for her. Some times knowing your going to be shipped off makes you act out because you don't know what else to do. What does your heart tell you to do?

[aMarylandfamily]

Our family has had what I guess you would call two disruptions ... one prior to finalization one after (we still hold legal rights but the State hold care and custody).

The first disruption came about 60 days prior to finalization - as we were experiencing extreme/suicidal behaviors of a 5 year old little girl whom did not qualify for in-patient psychiatric treatment due to age. As things became more severe the pressure to finalize became more intense ... when we voiced disruption we were asked to consider attachment therapy (two week program for complete family). After much decision making we decided that it was not in the best interest to have the child remain in our family. While we did love her we knew that it just couldn't be. Boy did it hurt ... six months later she went for that attachment therapy with a foster parent ... results were non-existent and things intensified to her admittance into a long-term residential program where she remains at age 10. Are we glad we didn't finalize - yes but with regrets that things couldn't be different. Had we done so, the placing agency would have been released for responsibility and our home state would have had to provide services.

Our latest "placement out of home" occurred when bi-polar disorder kicked in and required residential treatment services as our then 12 year old became dangerous to others and self (including me and family members). Two years later, he has currently stepped down into a therapeutic home with a recommendation that he not be returned to us (unless we fight for same ... how can we when he wishes for no contact/no relationship) and the behaviors while in control in a 24/7 monitoring system are still very much an issue (including sexual predator on peers). Do we regret finalizing ... no but yes - after our first we were probably too anxious to get to "finalization" so we jumped at the very first calendar opportunity. Do we still love him - yes - but with a wish that he had remained "long term foster care" so he wouldn't have been expected to attach or become a member of a family which he most likely is not capable of and then maybe he would want contact even if the need for services outside of our home became reality.

And in between all these words comes my recommendation. I agree with an above poster ... if she is high school more than likely her permanency plan calls for "long term foster care or adoption" ... continue with the long-term foster care if you wish to continue trying for some more time and then make your decision but don't finalize just because the calendar or a worker says it is time. From your words, you don't know what will occur when she thinks "you can't send me away now" if so much is happening before finalization. If the workers, balk then accept what a wonderful difference you have made while she was with you and ask what you can do to continue a relationship while she is placed elsewhere. You can always love and care for her but you must know your limitations and not let your heart rule keeping her if it will eventually be detrimental to her or you both.

Sorry this is pessimistic but having been here and done this situation I know that it helps to hear what is real.

[joskimo]

you know, every situation is different but with my nephews I'm glad we didn't push adoption thru, we didn't for a varaity of reasons although their mother wanted us to. But last year we had HUGE problems with one and I'm not sure how supportive the state would have been with resources if he were our child rather then part their child too. He no longer lives with us, although we retain the legal guardianship he's now in foster care with my parents.

[nrj]

Yesterday, This morning we had an incident where she was late for the bus and tripped and bumped her knee and scratched her arm. She was up in plenty of time to make it. I did ride her to school, but most of the way stressed responsibility and reinforced her goals to do well in school. I got a call from the school that her knee was sore and she was in a wheelchair and that I should come for her. We had a problem where she faked being sick and was lying on the floor at work pretending to be unconscious and they sent for the EMS, only to be told that there was nothing wrong with her and to take her home. I was told that she does this every placement. This really made mad this morning because I had to cancel appointments at work go to the school and then I had to bring her to work because I didnt want to leave her alone at home. It seems when she feels rejection or needs attention she acts up. She has set two fires prior to coming my home because she found the other families weren't going to adopt her. She already had one in my home with a dishrag on the stove, very same situation as the other fire, a potholder. I brought her home and had her stay in bed today to "rest her knee". which there was nothing wrong with , since she ran into school when I dropped her off this morning. The school nurse also called me to confirm that she was ok. I told her that I knew there wasnt anything wrong with her knee and asked why she was doing this again. It was only last week that I told her that I wanted no incidents. This was a new school and I didn't want to see her in the nurses office. She cried and carried on and needed to speak with her caseworkers and said that I didn't understand her. I've been told that this is happening because she feels that finalization will truly never come, even though it's close, and she wants to be in control of the situation. If it's not going to happen, then she wants to be the one to be in control. and that she'll do everything she can to test me. The paperwork is started and we were to finalize soon. Meanwhile, I'm about ready to LOSE MY MIND. She has done several things that I know most people would have disrupted long ago for. Im doing this myself, since I'm a single parent, and it's been very very hard even with my support in place. About 95% of me has decided to put her in respite and then disrupt. I feel mentally drained and am afraid that if I sign the papers I will be making a mistake. Most of my friends think that I dont need this stress in my life because I have a nice family and grandchildren, but they're not foster parents. I just really wanted to do this. Im just not sure if this child and I are right for eachother. Theres not much of a bond. Her behavior makes it hard. I honestly didn't think it would be as difficult. I thought "I AM WOMAN" I can do anything. I actually thought it would be fun (where was my mind) lol. I get aggrevated because it seems that it should be so easy for her to just do what she's suppoed to. I cant understand if they want to stay why they try to ruin it. It doesnt make sense. I feel that I may have made it through the worst (4 1/2 months) and I've been trying not to send her to respite. I really could use a break. It has been totally overwhelming and nothing like I've ever experienced can compare to this. She asked me tonight if I was going to send her away and she said she doesn't think there will ever be a family for her. Thats where the guilt kicks in and the other 5%. I know that I am supposed to say she's staying no matter what she does, but I'm afraid to tell her that for fear I cant make it. All of her past placements told her that, and they didn't keep that promise. I honestly dont know what Im going to do at this point. I feel sorry for her after all of the yelling and carrying on is over, she looks so innocent and helpless (she puts that face on too). It's when its the worst, that I make the decision to disrupt because it seems we're going no where. I keep saying " if one more thing horrible thing happens thats it, but don't do it. I could go on and on. It is a huge decision and I'm exhausted. Thanks for all of your input. It gives me a lot to think about. nrj

[mlbsands]

We had a foster child much like her last year.. she had to be removed due to similar issues with faking illness and trying to be in control and other passive agressive things.. she was moved to another home for respite first.. then her therapist decided it needed to be a perm. move.. she did ok in respite for a few weeks but never did make it back to school (always "sick).. then she ended up back in residential treatment..

you need to go with your gut.. why adopt someone that you have no connection with?? maybe just keep her as foster or go ahead and disrupt.. this will give her the chance to possibly find a family thst she will connect with and you a child that you can connect with..

Good luck.. I know that this is hard.. on our end.. we ended up with another teen girl and we love her to death and are now seeking to adopt her..

Mandy

[LoveRiddenDad]

If 95% of you doesn't want to do this, why do it? It's not fair to you or the girl to try and pretend everything's okay and worth finalizing. You're both human beings who deserve happiness, and I'm sure you both tried your best, but it didn't work. It doesn't make either of you bad. Consider it like any other relationship: When a friendship or romance doesn't work out, we usually try not to torture ourselves by "forcing it." That rarely works.

Don't let this scare you away from foster care. Not all foster kids are like this. You have the potential to be a wonderful mother to the right child, but it's unfair to beat yourself up over not bonding with ONE child.

Mike

[manon]

If you haven't read it already, try reading "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel Hughes. It's really excellent about giving concrete descriptions of therapeutic parenting. The thing in particular that struck me when you were writing was that you said you don't understand why she tries to mess things up when she wants permanent placement so much. I think parenting a child like this is extremely hard, and the starting place is understanding precisely that.

It sounds to me like she has a core belief from her past experiences that she is unlovable and won't be kept, parented, nurtured, included in a family, etc. You may think, well, why not just change your behavior to make it more likely you'll be loved, etc? Kids who believe they are unlovable generally have a desperate desire for that love at the same time that they need to take control of their situation, prove themselves right (that they are unlovable), and cut off their nose to spite their face. Maybe not as literally as cutting off their nose, but pretty darned close -- sounds like she may very well burn the house down if given the opportunity.

Convincing a kid like this that she is lovable and helping her contain her anxiety when things are going well between you (she's anxious because it's different from what she's used to) is not easy. It can be sort of like trying to convince somebody that gravity has changed and all they have to do is take a step off a cliff to discover you're right and gravity has changed and now they aren't gonna fall.

I adopted a toddler internationally and have zero experience parenting an older child, so I only know what I've read, so please feel free to disregard what I'm saying since it doesn't come from my own experience. But do check out that Daniel Hughes book. And from what I've read on this board, it does sound like you may not really be doing her a favor to finalize if it means you won't have the state involved as a party to paying for special therapy. Sounds like she may need that in the future even more than she needs "finalization."

Good luck to you. Even if this match doesn't work out, maybe it will help you know what to ask for or what to watch out for with the next placement.

[nrj]

Thanks eveyone for your ideas and opinions. I have decided definetly on respite to give me some thinking time. After each incident with this child is over, she becomes that "perfect child". She starts cleaning her room, helping put and being just wonderful in general. She can control all of these problems, but she chooses not to. I never know what she's going to do or say next. I discussed everything with my caseworker. We both agreed on respite. I feel that I've given it over four months of total committment and I dont feel that we're getting anywhere. I dont have loving felings for her, I dont feel close to her yet either. What I feel is beaten down and just plain tired. We'll see what next week brings. Thanks again nrj

[lucyjoy]

Children with MILD emotional problems don't disrupt from 4 adoptive placements. This girl likely is conning the case worker which is preventing her from getting the care she needs. She needs to be working with a counseler who understands adoption, foster care, and attachment as I doubt this girl has any trust for anyone at this point.

If you cannot love this girl and parent her if she never changes, don't. A few small fires are a big deal and should not be written off as a stress of any sort.

I would recommend reading Foster Cline's Can This Child Be Saved? if you can find it and looking at www.radzebra.org and www.attachment.org.

With just the information you've given, I would suggest putting off the finalization date until your sure, disrupt if you feel that your mind is made up, and request subsidy for future hospitilization and residential care if deemed necessary. If you decide to continue, an attachment therapist is needed.

[dadfor2]

DO NOT FINALIZE!!!!!!

there are a couple of things too think about....one is...DSS might be preassuring you to finalize only to close their case..however, they will not remove her from your home because your not ready to finalize....why?...because there are not alot of families in line waiting to adopt her or take her in their homes....

also, if you do finalize out of guilt, you will be hurting yourself and your child....she can get more services while she is still in the care of the state vs...youre on your own now...good luck

again, DONT FINALIZE until you are sure this is what you want and what she needs.....

my heart goes out to you. i know how hard this all is, believe me....

tell them you want to wait a few more months and see where it goes...

they wont remove her...

dadfor2

[nrj]

It's nice to know that there are people out there when you really need an honest opinion. My caseworker is understanding of any decision that I make, she agrees that she's been tough and has seen and heard her in action. She wants me to realize that the incidents she has origionally were on a weekly basis and they were not small things. She feels that I may not see the "improvement" in her even though it may not be quick enough to suit me. She says just the fact that it's been a month since the last big problem, tells me that they are getting fewer and farther between, and at least it's some improvement. Still when somethng hits me it blows me away because I feel that we're moving along ok, everythings fine, and here we go with another setback. Today I was in contact with my caseworker, who has been extremely supportive. She has gone overboard to help us. She is always there. We discussed respite and both agree that it would not be such a good idea at this point. It would more than likely take her out of her school and she would have that disruption to deal with. I have to either decide to do it or not. It was stated that she was mild emotional and my caseworker knows that she is moderate and, had I known that, I wouldn't have considered taking her. She is still on the web site as being mild emotional. I think after another fire setting, they "may" change that. I am very close to disrupting. It's something that I'm not looking forward to, but I need to for both of us. nrj

[dadfor2]

you might also want to try day respite, on the weekend, where you can find a family that can take her for the day so you can have some peace and she wont miss any school. just an idea.

im glad DSS is supportive, but realize, your child will have ups and downs for a while, it takes a long time for her hurts to heal, and just when you think she is finally coming around....boom....there she goes again....

my heart goes out to you, i do know how hard this is.

dadfor2

[nrj]

I believe that part of the problem is that she hasn't made any friends yet. She started at the very end of the last school year and not many high school kids live near us. I did get a call from school this morning and held my breath till I found out it wasn't another problem, but they were working with her to choose activities. I got the feeling that they already know that she will be a "regular" in the guidence office, but they are very nice about it and said they will do anything to help her in any way and they are there for us. She is very very sociable and the recommend the CAP program. Its a community assistance program where she will be in a group out there helping in the community. That will be excellent for her. She is very caring and loves to be around people. I can see so much potential, but I feel that she wont be able to eliminate all of the attention seeking that she does. One thing I also did not do was to tell her that she is going to be my daughter no matter what and that I will never send her back or give up on her. I think that I was supposed to say that to her, but my caseworker said "dont say it if you don't feel it". I also have never told her that I loved her, which she said form the beginning every day at least once. I just dont feel close to her at all, but maybe thats how everyone feels at 4.5 months. Im not sure. I thought that I'd have more feelings for her by now. I know that all of the other families promised her that she would be there permanently and she was deeply disappionted when they terminated. I wanted to be honest with her throughout this adjustment period. I don't know if that was the right thing to do. I dont have a degree in psychology, I'm just going by what I feel is the right thing to do. Today I feel better about things, but I know it wont be long before something else comes along to give me doubts. I dont think she'll be able to get respite in my school district. Mostly everyone thinks that I should disrupt. The good days make me hold off. I am a Taurus the Bull, I guess my stubborness is showing up. NRJ