[nrj]

I have made the decision not to continue with my adoption plans. I have gone back and forth many many times. I gave notice to her caseworker and mine yesteday. The child's (or should I say young adult 16 yrs) caseworker was disappointed and wanted me to realize that in the past five months she feels that the child is doing better as far as the major incidents and problems were fewer and farther between and there was actually 4 weeks when things went ok for us. She also told me that she is sure that this child feels mine is going to be her permanent home and she will be very disappointed. She has been in several foster, pre-adoptive, and group homes prior to mine. I can't help but think that she is trying to make me feel guilty. She told me yesterday and times before that I was doing all of the right things. My caseworker feels that I've been through some bad things, but that they "probably' wont happen again.. She has had two fire starting incidents before and one at my home. She decides to do this when a family decides not to "keep" her, according to her. The day it happened in my fome was a day that she was feeling a little rejected I'm sure. They both think and explain to me that these things will cease once I finalize. I dont feel comfortable with this and don't necessarily believe it will stop. I don't want to take that chance. The fact that I have not bonded at all with her is another reason that I've decided to terminate. They say that I have a 30 day wait before she can be removed from my home and placed in another home. I do not want them to tell her now and leave her in my home for 30 days. I'm still checking on some things regarding that issue. I'm not looking forward to them telling her because she is extremely dramatic and will over react as usual. When I explain that to my caseworker she hits me with "sounds like you care about her mom", or "sounds like you like her to me mom". I do not dislike her and I do feel for her having to be moved over and over again. I also feel a sense of relief in making the decision to disrupt, so that tells me that, in my heart, I'm making the right decision for both of us. has anyone out there gone through an older child disruption such as this lately?? nrj

[joskimo]

My situation is a little different but my oldest nephew who was 14 last year had to be removed, over the course of the last year I've dealt with a lot of people who have tried to make me feel guilty, but in my heart of hearts I knew what was right and what was wrong. I've also had to deal with people who seem to have my nephews "best interests at heart" but really contridict what I believe to be right. One year later, yesterday, he was admitted to a residential treatment program which is where he should have gone last year.

When kids come with a lot of baggage, it takes the right fit and it takes the child's desire to make it work. Try not to let the CW's get to you, you've made their case load more difficult, but that's their job.

[Bosley]

My heart breaks for you and this girl. If only you could have crossed paths sooner, before she'd had so many let downs. I understand your decision and in no way judge you, but I can't help wishing it could have turned out differently. She'll bounce around the system for two more years, then be on her own. Unfortunately, this happens way too often.

I worked for a before/after school program several years ago and was forever touched by a boy named Ian. His heart was broken in the very first years of his life through multiple forms of abuse by his bmother and her boyfriends, and his bfather. This boy had so much anger in him and each year the staff of the program was visited by his grandparents (they had custodial guardianship) and his counselor to prepare everybody on staff how to deal with him. The one thing that struck me from the very beginning was that this couselor/pshychologist and the family had already determined that he would probably end up in a residential facility, they were just basically trying to hold it off as long as possible. I remember being so angry about that - he'd already been written off!! He did NOTHING to deserve the start in life he had, and yet he had already been deemed a failure. The kid was 7 YRS OLD! And the thing is, he knew it. He knew they saw him as just a problem child, so that's how he viewed himself. He was considered basically untouchable (literally), and everyone was instructed to draw a very firm line of distinction between him and their authority. We were told that if he sees you as weak, he'll manipulate you. Don't try to be his friend they told us - he doesn't want you to be his friend, he just wants to control you.

The sad truth was, they were wrong. I became his friend, and still had his respect as an authority figure. I found creative ways to deal with some of the discipline issues he had, which I think is one of the things he ended up admiring because it was unpredicatible. This untouchable child would come in and hug me every morning, and we even had tickle fights. Sure, he tested my boundaries, especially that first summer we were together. But the one thing I learned about this kid was that he was sharp as a tack and traditional discipline just didn't work well. He loved a good challenge, and was not easily intimidated. But, boy, if you could outsmart him on something, it actually made his day!

I was devastated to learn that his grandparents ceeded custody of him while in junior high. He, too, was setting fires.

I have always felt that if so many people hadn't written him off so early, he would have had a chance at a halfway normal life. In the years I interacted with him and his family, I never saw them hug him, and the first question everyday they arrived was "did he get in trouble today?"

My prayers to you and her.

[dadfor2]

the CW is making you feel guilty.

some children cannot function in a family setting, the intamacy is just too much for them to handle.

its not the childs fault, and its not your fault, its just the way it is due to the childs past.

it isnt fair for some kids to bounce around from foster home to foster home when they just see it as more failures, but in a group/ residential program, it gives the child some time to deal with what they have to deal with, without worrying about being bounced around.

its ok to have second guesses, its ok for you to feel guilty, its ok for you to feel like you failed, its ok for you to think you ruined this childs life by disrupting....but these are all just feelings and not the facts....

the fact and the truth is, the child wasnt ready to be placed with you. this child needs more than a loving home.

we are going through this ourselves...its very hard...but i have come to realize, that the abuse and neglect some of these kids have, just cant function in a family setting and its not something we did, or didnt do, its just that the things that were done to this child, needs more time to deal and heal before she should be placed in a family setting

dadfor2

[nrj]

Thanks for your support . It really helps especially today. I really dread the day they come and tell her. I know that I will feel awful. Her caseworker has gone through this with her before and I wll ask her what to expect, although I believe I know the answer. She is from a different county and this child and her caseworker live almost three hours away. Thats why they will move her when they come out. I am really afraid of what will happen and how she wll react. It will be awful for them to tell her and have her pack immediately, but they feel telling her ahead of time will be much worse. She has never been violent, however she does get very loud and emotional. I know that they are used to doing this and will handle it the best they can for her. I just dread it. I honestly feel a group home would be best for her also. Now I regret that I waited so long because it will be more difficult for her to accept. She has no idea that this is going to happen. She was never taken off of the PAE website. I was hoping that they may have an interested family. They have no one because of her past and, being in my home. added extra negatives to her profile. I still feel relieved that it's ending and I know that it's the right decision. I will keep her in my prayers always. NRJ

[nrj]

I thank you for your advice and I do agree with everything you said. I did tell my caseworker that I know that I am able to take a child and have it result in finalization. I feel that this child and I were not a very good match. It may have been partially my fault because I brought her home and moved her in too soon. We had only had 3 visits and no over nights, because of the 3 hour drive each way. It was very tiring for me to drive 3 hours spend four hours with her and drive back. Next time (if ther happens to be one) I'll spend the time and hope for someone closer to my home in Pittsburgh. It's much to soon to even think about. Right now I need some R & R. Thanks, NRJ

[LoveRiddenDad]

Remember, no one can make you feel guilty unless you permit them to do so.

[nrj]

Unfortunately. I tend to permit them to do so, however I'm working on that. Maybe I should look for a husband instead. Are there any nice "older men" out there??? Now I'm really losing it ! LOL

[dadfor2]

nrj

its ok too feel guilty, but you know in your head what you had to do was the write thing.

your child will get the help she needs and there are people out there who have expertise in dealing with these troubled kids who will adopt her...

can you keep in contact with her at all? or do you not want too?

i know this real tough, its all so sad that these children were hurt so bad that they just cant trust anyone.

your daughter and you will be in my prayers...keep us informed, it feels good when you write things down and get some support

dadfor2

[nrj]

Thank you so much. I don't know if I will be able to kkep in touch with her. I'd like to. She has never kept in touch with the other families. I've often asked her if she wanted to write to any of them and she said she doesn't. I'm feeling sad because when she came here she brought boxes of photos of the previous families and told me about all of them. At that time I felt relieved that she would be here permanantly and not have to move again. Now I'm sure she will be taking photos of my family with her to the next placement or group home. I have a horse that she really loves and two dogs that she is always taking care of. I didn't want it to end this way. Today she spoke of her father who is in prison. She says she misses him. I told her that in two years she would be 18 and can visit him. I know she felt better about that. I dont think that there will ever be a family that she would really think of as her own and where she feels that she belongs. She is a lost child and alone out there. What a way to live. She has had the same caseworker for the four years that she has been in the system and that helps I'm sure. Her caseworker told me how she will probably react to the decision and that will be going into a depression. I still don't believe I know the real person that she is. I don't believe she does either. She just goes from place to place and tries to belong somewhere and every family sends her back. nrj

[nrj]

I got the call that the caseworkers are coming on Tuesday to tell her and move her that day. I think she senses that it's not going to be a good meeting. She's talking about the future, will she be adopted by Christmas, looking for a job etc. We spent an hour or so in the car and she really wanted to talk about "us". I tired to talk in general because they want us all to be together when she is told. After we came home she and I were sitting on the couch and she just came out and asked " are you going to adopt me"? It caught me off guard. I answered " I'm not real sure yet. but we'd all talk on Tuesday. They don't want me to put blame on her or act as if it was all her fault and I understand that. They want all of my family to be here to say their goodbyes. That will give her closure. This is going to be a very hard day for all of us. I was also going to write her a letter to take with her . She has a 3 hour ride back with her caseworker. I really feel like crap doing this to her and right now I'm sorry I even thought of adoption. When there were horrible days with her iit seemed so easy to disrupt, but when she is having a good day and asking how much longer till she's adopted, I FEEL LOUSY ! nrj

[roxanna425]

How are you doing? If you are around please update us as you have been in my thoughts/prayers.

[Howdy]

Gosh that sounds so hard and sad. Good luck writing the letter. I wrote one for my foster daughter when she left, but I gave it to her the day before she left. It inspired her to write one for me which I really cherish and have re-read a zillion times.

[Canadian Hope]

How could a child not be somewhat troubled and torn up at that age after all she has been through... It must be tough having not permanent place in the world yet. It would be hard for her to let her guard down, wondering if she has to be prepared for the next time she is sent away. She needs you!!!

[nrj]

My adoption of J was disrupted yesterday after m
any dayswas


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