[manatee]

Hi,
My husband and I have a 11 month in custody. The state is going for a TPR which should end in Nov/Dec if everyting goes right. The Bio-mother has been going back and forth with vol then no if I don't fight I will be a scam mother.
When this all started my husband and I were very open to having bio mother she the child in the future, write to her and let her send presents if wanted. Now because bio-mother can not make up her mind we are rethinking are position on the whole thing. I am adopted, have no information about bio mother and I am o.k. with that. I do/did have a working relationship with bio-mother until state said they were going for a TPR. Any suggestions on what should we do towards how much bio-mother should have contact after adoption?

Manatee

[2boyz1girl]

That's a tough one. We're in a similar situation. Our dd is 21 months old, we've had her since she was 10 days old. Our battle was with her bfather though. He started asking about an open adoption almost a year ago now, and we agreed in hopes that he would relinquish. Needless to say, he didn't relinquish until this past April just before he was set to stand trial for termination. We do feel an obligation to maintain contact because of the promises we made to him, even though he didn't do what was in our dd's best interest. Since we promised to maintain contact I have done a lot of research on open adoption and have found that it can be a very beneficial thing for the child involved. You're in a very frustrating position right now. I remember vowing that if this had gone to termination I WOULD NOT have anything to do with him. While I still think that may have been true, I try to convince myself that maintaining contact is in my dd's best interest. My uncle is a psychologist and runs a group home for troubled children. He deals with a lot of adopted kids and says that the ones that have some kind of tie to their bfamilies do so much better. If you really can't stand the idea of continuing to have her in your lives, I would at least recommend staying in contact through letters and pictures. That way when your child is older they can decide for themself if they want contact.

[michellemartin]

I think 2boys1girl has some good advice. If you said you would then I think you should also. If you are reconsidering your open agreement (i know they're not legally binding) then I think you should mention that. I know there is fear here on both sides. My number one fear is that I would never see Kara again. That fear alone would have been the only reason I would have changed my mind. Kara's parents are wonderful and have been the whole time, yet that fear is not rational and it does exist. She probably is experiencing that same fear and maybe she just needs some reasurrance. Ask her how she's feeling and what she's thinking. Being able to tell Kara's parents about that fear really helped me. The fear was still there, and still is, and probably always will be, but now I can say thats just my insecurities and not reality.

[lynneHart33]

This is a hard time for the birthmom. Maybe if you can talk to her and help her.