[lauriebeth]

I have felt drawn to adoption for many years. Really, I would say about 2 years ago I really started looking at adoption and thinking about it. I have several adoptees in my family (including 2 grandparents! ) and I really feel a "calling" to adopt. I cant explain it. It may be the same feeling that some women get to have a biological child.

The problem is, DH does not want to adopt. He says that he would prefer to have biological children. We have been married for 4 years and not tried to have children, so we do not know if we would even be able to have them. God willing, I would love to have both adoptive and bilogical children, but DH says no.

Has anyone run into this with a spouse? I really do want to adopt. Has anyone changed their spouse's mind? DH has no adoptees in his family, so I think perhaps he isn't as interested as I am since I have many adoptees in my family.

Thanks

Laurie Beth

[Katey]

I got my "calling" at 17. I knew the director of services at a local Catholic Charities in NY and noticed an 8x11 sheetr on her desk with pictures of kids and the title "Unadoptable". They no longer use that label, but... I was struck - It was hard enough being a teenager, but to be labeled unadoptable!! What does that mean? It stuck.

I married 27 years ago and had 3 bio children - now ages 24 (girl), 22 (boy), and 18 (boy).

I felt we had the room and resources to help at least one child and maybe a sibling group of 2. DH thought I was nuts!!

I slowly educated him about the kids "in the system" through books and education. I would read while he commuted with me home from work. His natural kind heart gave in.

We are hopeful. On October 7, there will be a committee meeting for placement of 13 year old twin girls. We are cautiously excited.

So you see - to have birth children or adopt is not necessarily mutually exclusive. But everyone is different and you need to find the way that works for your family. A loving DH is a real help in raising your children no matter how they come to you.

Just my humble opinion based on very limited experience. This 27 year marriage is the first for both of us and we are happier together now than ever.

Good luck. KC

[lauriebeth]

thank you. I hope that I can get DH to view adoption the same way as I do. It is just something that I feel so strongly about!

Thank you again for your encouragement

[soon2bmommy]

If you are a religious woman try prayer. Prayer Changes thing and people. If it is really ment for the two of you to adopt then you will. In time he {your Dh} will see how you feel and eventually at least lend an ear to learn about your feelings.

Just inform him...... It is amazing what you can do by educating someone even if it is slyly! you can leave around magazines, books, pamphlets etc....


I am a Waiting mom and well ..........the wait is killing me! (jk)


Take care and keep faithful, if this is really your "calling" then God will see fit to change his heart!

[spaypets]

If you're interested in having biological children, I'd suggest doing that first--for one thing, waiting may make bio kids impossible because fertility goes down as we age.

Also, you may discover that your heart is full with your bio child(ren) or your DH might discover that he wants a house full of children and will open his heart to adoption.

I think it's important to find out why DH vetos adoption even though you are willing to have bio children too. Does he want a small family? Is he concerned about loving the children the same? Does he worry that adopted children have problems?

Perhaps bringing him to adoption events where he can see how adoptive families interact will help change his mind.

But you must also realize that he might not change his mind. If you don't think you can go through life without having adopted, then maybe you need to reevaluate your marriage--BEFORE bringing any children into it.

[soon2bmommy]

AMEN

[bellazmama]

Well, first, my DH was displeased with the idea that we had to adopt due to my medical condition (diabetes) as he had always pictured himself with biological children. It wasn't that he was being mean to me or was against adoption per se, he was just so certain that he would have biological children.

So I dragged him to the adoption agency for our first meeting. It was pretty grim. Our couinselor suggested he find out more about my condition and how I would be affected by a pregnancy, so I dragged him to my doctor's office, where the facts were explained to him. He was still grieving what he was going to "lose", but he came on board and we went through the homestudy process. The self-study questions were very in-depth and allowed him to work through most of his reluctance. He did, however, insist we adopt a healthy white infant.

That said, we had two adoptions fall though. We took ourselves off the waiting list for the summer while we regrouped emotionally and spiritually. I was a wreck, but he had come around so that he was the strong, certain one that we needed to continue once I was ready. What a change!!!

Even better, once we went on the list, he agreed that we needed to be more open to what God had in store for us as a family. So, we went back on the "healthy white infant" list but ALSO went on the "health other race" list. In April of 2002, we picked up our angel, a gorgeous Biracial baby we named Bella.

Give him time. Talk to a counselor or social worker. My husband thanks me literally every day for being so persistant when his little girl calls him "Daddy."

Best of luck!

Sarah

[earthmother52]

You know your husband better then anyoone else on this earth,
and I think you did the right thing by taking your husband with
you to hear from your medical doctor what a high risk pregnancy would be for you .
We lost a baby in our 3rd year of marriage ; somehow I knew I
would never get pregnant again , though not for lack of trying !
My DH and I tried to adopt three times , and in the end I am sorry
to say that 2 of the 3 women had abortions , and the 3rd kept
her special needs child -born with a cleft palate, she couldn't even
nurse !
The years passed by and we grew older , too old in my opinion to
adopt . At age 35 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer , and all
thoughts of adopting fled ! I needed to get well. They gave me
tainted blood during my surgery and I ended up with Hepatitus C.
I then needed to take six months of shots/treatment ; which was considered "experimental" back then . They had just given it a name !But Praise Be I have been in remission for 11 years !
I am an adoptee , and very pro-adoption . I had wonderful parents who never thought of me as anyone but their own . I
hope you will take Sarah's advice and start leaving pamphlets
around ; you have so much love to share . And pray that your DH
will have a change of heart . Nothing is impossible for those who love the Lord .He is at the head of our marriage , and we will be
married 23 years next month ! God Bless you. I will pray for you and that the Lord will open your DH's heart ! PEACE-judy