[Schmoopy]

My daughter is 17 months old right now. I'm not ready to adopt just yet (I'm not even sure it's right for me), but from what I understand, adoption can be a long process, so I thought I'd better start asking questions....

Some background:
Zoe was born 11 weeks premature. The docs say I could have another baby, but miscarriage is not out of the question, and I would have to be on meds during the entire pregnancy. They say the meds are not risky, but I'm still skeptical. Plus, I'm terrified of being pregnant again. The first time was horrible.

I've always thought I wanted two children. I also want a sibling for Zoe. But I'm worried about adopting because I'm not sure if I could love the second child as much as I love Zoe. I have doubts about beign able to love a second one as much even if it's my biological child! Plus, all I've heard about adoption is how difficult it is to get a baby under six months of age, how you always have to worry about the biological mother changing her mind, and that the only way to get an infant is to go through international adoption. Also, open adoption sounds like it's not for me.

I guess I have a lot of questions about the process. Any insight would be appreciated.

[tobeafamily]

I can't address all your issues, but I can some.

As you've already experienced, there is no risk-free way to become a parent. Choosing an adoption path is about balancing risks and benefits.

You must ask yourselves these kinds of questions:

1. How important is it that your child share your ethnic heritage?
2. How important is it that your child be a newborn?
3. How willing/able are you to travel with little or no notice?
4. How much are you willing/able to spend in fees?
5. How prepared do you feel parenting a child who may have been exposed to abuse/neglect/institutionalization, known or unknown at time of placement?
6. How comfortable are you sharing your values, beliefs, lifestyle with others you don't know or don't know well?

It is very possible to adopt a newborn within 1-2 years within the United States. Requiring that the adoption be closed - i.e. no exchange of information, ongoing contact, etc. extends this timeline as most domestic parental placement adoptions involve some level of openness and ongoing communication.

It's rare to have a newborn whose parental rights have already been terminated in waiting child/foster care adoption though it does happen. In most cases the child is placed 'at risk' meaning that the child may or may not ever be 'free' for adoption. There may or may not be ongoing contact with birth family, though these tend to be more closed than open.

International adoptions are always of older infants and toddlers - youngest I've heard of is 4 months. They are almost always closed situations and parental rights have been terminated before paparents are referred.

HTH,

Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas