[leannh]

well i thought i had this question all worked out in my mind, but it seems not. for those of you who have adopted children that look differently than the rest of the family, what do you say to those people who ask seemingly innocent, yet intrusive questions about your childs appearence? MIL and i were at dinner the other night and the hostess asked if emily's dad was asian or hispanic (infact her bdad is AA) and when i told her no, she would not let up about her skin and hair color. i finally told her that if didnt color my hair(true) that mine would be the same, and my MIL felt the need to do the same, she was so persistant. now emily is only (almont) 3 mo so she doesnt have a clue at this point, but i want to have all of this under control by the time she does know when people are pointing out our differences. her bmom looking So much like my husband (scottish/irish, curly red hair, freckles, green eyes) she may end up with some of the same looks as DH, but there are no guarrantees, and for now she is just our most beautiful girl in the world. So any help with polite, to the point, stop questioning responses would be greatly appreciated.
thanks

[Xanny]

The best response to "where did she get that hair? those eyes? etc" that I have heard is "Just lucky, I guess!"

There was a thread on this topic a few months ago. It is a real issue because we don't want to give our children the impression that adoption is something to be embarrassed about, but we also don't want to advertise what is really our child's story.

I hope that some more experienced parents will weigh in here!

Xanny

[echaos]

I tend to go with a tongue in cheek, slightly sarcastic approach!

Liam is blonde haired and blued eyed. I am olive skinned with dark hair. The comment I have gotten (more then once ) is "My his father must be awfully blond!" To which I reply, with a slightly confused look on my face, " You know, I'm not really sure." and then I walk away!

[spaypets]

I think the best answer is to say nicely "Why do you ask?" It puts the person on notice that they're asking a question that's none of their business.

Honestly, I think it's really impolite for people to question a child's parentage like she's a race horse or something. Just thank her for her interest and ask for more water or something.

People in my area must be more in tune with the idea of adoption because only once in the year we've had DD (adopted from India) DH got a question "Is your wife Indian or is she adopted?" Turned out the questioner was an adoptive father.

[HappyMomAnna]

I have to deal with this situation almost every day---even this morning at the Bank the lady in line behind me had to say:'Where did he get those big brown eyes?" At the store--on a bus--at the school recital last Friday and everywhere I go it is painfully pointed out that I have red hair, green eyes and the palest skin on earth how did I manage to get two beautiful brown eyed, olvie skined brown haired children......?

It is most difficult for us because our children (siblings) were not placed until they were 5 and 1 so our little girl is ALWAYS reminded about the adoption when someone innocently asks.

I printed out a business card and keep several in my purse. On the front it says:

"My children were adopted not too long ago.....Your question is difficult for my daughter to deal with....if you would like to discuss our adoption please feel free to call me after 8:00 pm and we can talk."

Most people have felt a little struck between the eyes and been very polite to us once I handed them my card.... When we were at the doctors a few months ago changing all the info on the records to the new name---a woman in the waiting area actually said, "Oh my husband and I have considered Fostering but we hear those kids can be big problems, does your daughter have problems?" My daughter was standing next to me Some people really just do not even think about what comes out of their mouths!

[riley6]

My biological son was VERY blond haired when he was born, up until he was in 4th grade or so. It's now very dark brown. People used to ask me all the time WHERE he got his blond hair (neither dh nor I are blond). I'd always tell them that like everything else we have, he got it from God. We say the same thing with our a-dd who doesn't match our coloring.

[Support2Adopt]

It really is amazing what can come out of some people's mouths. I'm sure for the most part it is just natural curiosity, but it can really put us on the spot especially if they ask questions in front of our kids.
Anna, I have never heard the card idea before. What a great idea!
JJ

[mj77]

I would have told the lady your daughter's father is Scottish/Irish and then proceeded to change the subject. I sure like Anna's idea too. If our boys didn't look so much like us (coincidental) I would have those cards handy too.

Melissa

[dad_questions]

Good ideas here. I am not sure what I would say. We are adopting an 11yr old HS girl. Our biological daughter(4yr) looks just like her mother wit blue eyes, blonde hair, and very pale skin. I usually replied "she look just like mom". I guess I will need a new line.