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OK, for everyone on these boards, what is your current status? Are you in the process of trying to adopt or are you done? Maybe just thinking about adoption? Introduce yourselves and let's get some great conversations going! JJ

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Originally Posted By Linny

Well......

  We are currently in the process of adopting our sixth child. This particular adoption is through an attorney, and I dare say we would not do it any other way again. So far, this has been the easiest, least stressful adoption we have ever had.

  My husband and I both are 44yo. Our first two adoptions were while we were living overseas.

  Years later, we realized we could afford adoption by adopting through 'the system'. We adopted a seven year old that we did not receive all info on (by law)....and after four years at home, various therapies, and actions that did harm and would have killed our other children, he now is going on his third year in a residential facility. (Four years down the road, we received, through an attorney, the info we were to have originally had.) This young boy's history would take a book to tell; but had we been told, we would have known that his behaviors were 'way over our heads'...and we would not have adopted him.

  During the four years he was at home (and while we thought his behaviors would improve)....'the system' allowed us to adopt a set of sib boys. They were six and three when they came to our home. They have their issues, but are able to function in society and learn better behaviors (though slowly). Basically, they're your 'run of the mill' boys.

  Meanwhile, while trying to explain to 'the system' why it would be impossible to ever consider bringing the 'dangerous son' home, we decided to 'give up' on ever trying to adopt through the state again. Adopting through the state has taught us that some baggage older adoptions bring, is beyond repair. Sad, but true.

  Because of our disgust with the system, and our desire to adopt more children, we saved our money and persued a private, infant adoption through an attorney. This particular placement ended up being through an agency anyway; but it has worked very well. We are thrilled with our new little one; our two boys still at home, have bonded well with her; and, if God permits, we plan on adopting another infant within the next 12 months.

  Adoption was always our first choice; and we don't regret it. However, we would have a firm lecture of caution for anyone planning to persue 'system' adoptions. We wish someone would have done this with us on our first one, as there were 'red flags' and we were just too ignorant to see them.

  I'm an opinionated person (as you can well see)...sometimes to a fault; but I enjoy sharing my experiences about adoption and enjoy raising kids.

Sincerely,

"Linny"

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How heartbreaking your experience must have been with your son. Are their any tips or advice you have for people adopting through the system? Maybe things they can look out for? JJ

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Originally Posted By Mary

Hi my name is Mary. My Dh and I have kids right now. Three By Birth. Three adopted Through the "System" 1 almost adopted same system and last but not least 1 very cute little foster boy.My 3 oldest are 21,19 and 16. We have 2 that are 5. One came to us at 5 weeks and the other at 2 years.We have one who is 3 and who was 8 months when placed. our baby, The adoption we are working on now is 15 months.He was 1 day when he was placed.Our little foster boy is 2. I think that we are probably done once our pending adoption is finalized.But....You never know.
Mary

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Originally Posted By Linny

   Yes.....I would have a lot of advice for anyone thinking of adopting through 'the system'. I have been known to give an entire list of questions to people who are going into system adoption. If you would like them....I would be glad to post them.

   Our (and I say 'our'...because my husband would say the same) position is that system adoption is very, very different from 'baby adoption'. Years ago, I would have had an entirely different opinion about this; but years after having had adopted this way, we have changed our minds. System adoption of older children takes on an entirely different 'flavor', if you will. We honestly thought (and were taught in our classes)...that despite problems in these kids, 'love' would conquer for the most part. I can tell you (barring our situation with the residential son) that eveour two boys who have bonded-------their basic problems have not gone away. Four years down the road, they still regress and 'fall back into' that 'foster status' as we call it.

  We'd be the first to say that with infant adoption, problems can exist as well. But, I'll add that with infant adoption, the chances of solid bonding are higher....and the parents have TIME to rectify or substantially decrease many problems.

  

  Though we adopted overseas years ago, we had no idea that private adoption could be available without tons of money.....until about a year ago. I dare say that with grants, loans, and the tax credits, parents CAN afford private adoption. And, every private adoption is NOT an open one.

   I do not mean to sound like a 'professional' on the subject. I only know that I dearly wish someone would have steered us in the right direction--- or at least had warned us---about a lot of this years ago. It's due to our past frustration and heartache that I sound so fervent in my convictions about adoption now.

Sincerely,

Linny

  

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Originally Posted By Deana

My husband and I have 3 bio sons ages 3, 6, and 8. We wanted to adopt a girl or sib group so we have been fostering and trying to adopt for 2.5 years. We have had 7 foster children who have all went on to family members and we also had an adoptive placement this last fall but it ended in disruption. Our placement was of 3 girls ages 8, 9, and 12 and the information they gave us on the children was totally inaccurate and it became apparent that it was not safe to have them with our sons. We had looked into infant adoption initially but thought we could not afford it and thought adopting through the state would be better for us. As it turned out we have spent every bit as much money pursuing state adoptions(we had to look out of state as our state does not have many available kids), and we really wish we would have pursued an infant adoption instead. We would like to pursue an infant adoption now but we still don't feel we can afford it(we have went more in debt with getting foster and adoptive kids who have nothing and trying to supply everything for them). We are still going to foster but I don't expect to adopt this way now. I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and if anyone has any ideas that could help us out I would love to hear them.

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Originally Posted By Linny

  Your situation about not being told all the info you needed about the sib group is not uncommon at all. This type of thing is happening over and over all across the country.

  My suggestion to you is to look in your phonebook....or on the web for attorneys that belong to the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Find the one nearest you. Our attorney has been a Godsend to us and has made adoption quite affordable. Notice I say, 'not cheap'....but affordable. (Keep in mind that there are loans and grants available....as well as the federal tax credit toward adoption. Also, many employers reimburse their employees for many adoption expenses.) I would tell you that you DO NOT have to pay the kinds of fees I see so much of. It IS possible to adopt without having a ton of money.

  Hope this helps....

Sincerely,

"Linny"

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Originally Posted By Angeleyes

Well, our status is new home buyer, soon to be virginia residents and talking to DHS this week LOL.

Will be back in Italy on Tuesday and I will let you know how things went.

Angel

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Yes! Please post your list of questions for people going into system adoption. Anything that can help prospective adoptive parents is great to have. The more knowledge, the better. Thanks for caring enough to help others. JJ

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Just wanted to say it's nice to have you here. :-) JJ

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Congrats on your being a new home buyer! You have been waiting so long to get back to the states and persue your adoption. It won't be long now! JJ

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Welcome to the group!

How frustrating for you to see kids come and go and not be able to adopt as you had hoped. I honestly know NOTHING about the state system, but I do know a little about infant domestic adoptions. Are you willing to take a minority child? What state are you in? Many agencies offer special programs for minority adoptions (ie, cheaper)

We adopted in Texas, (a GREAT state for adoption laws)and got our son at 3 days old (after waiting only 5 weeks!) And I must say....he's a keeper!

Best wishes,

Melda

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