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Originally Posted By Linny

  I've posted several times here. My husband and I have raised two non-white children(from infancy) adopted overseas. We have adopted several children from 'the system', who were older and had special needs....who happened to appear white. We now have a beautiful infant daughter who is very dark complected. I've been a momma for a long time. I've been there when my children were mocked and made fun of; as well as admired by others. I have one huge flaw.....

  I am NOT a quick thinker.

  Now, give me minutes or hours later....and I can think of all sorts of comments to say.

  I also cannot be incredibly rude to people (even though I might want to be).

  Give me minutes or hours later....and I can think of all sorts of comments I would have liked to have said....

  But today......I was 'taken back' by a comment said by an aquaintance in regards to our new daughter. This aquaintance said....in a condesending tone: "Does it bother you to raise a child that is...different from you? I mean, I just don't think it's fair to the child...."

  I took the approach I usually take. This is the one where I try to EDUCATE people who I thought held human heads. I tried to explain that our first children were Asian (she nodded, as she already knew).....and that we desired a non-white child. I blundered out that few AA families adopt (which I know is true...but I thought later came out like "oh the poor little child needed a home"....and that's not what I meant at all.)

   She then proceeded to tell me that one child in her child's class at school was not white and how 'awfully the kids made fun of him'. I asked, "Doesn't the teacher do anything about this?" "No, I guess not, I don't know, etc."

  She later said to me, "I'm not trying to put you down for what you do..."

  Now, in your reading this post, you may think this is no big deal. I guess I have to say, "If you would have been there, you'd know why I am incredibly upset."

  I like to think that I am versed in this. I like to think that I am intelligent and a good momma. However, this took me back soooo much. I just 'brewed and stewed' and thought 'what should/could I have said' to really put her in her place----w/o sounding as stupid as she did?"

  See.....I loved the comment that Melda wrote about "boy did we get a high quality child for what we paid!!!" And.....I will put that in my mind and pull it out to use. But, I don't think quickly enough to say what I need or want to at the time.

  I don't always want to say, "It's none of your business." This sometimes implies that I must think there is something wrong with what I might say.

  So, come on, you quick thinkers.....I'd love to have some comments to put in my mental rolodex, because obviously, I'm not as prepared as I thought I would be!

  Sincerely....

Linny

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Originally Posted By Angeleyes

I would have simply said to the woman I hope my child grows up to be very different than the ignorancy I see standing infront of me.

Or if you wanted to be really rude I would ask the woman if she had her tubes tied yet cause the world doesn't need anymore racist like her.

Hope this helps,

Angel

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First of all,

I DO find it the hardest to respond to people that I know. It is MUCH easier to POP off to a stranger! Even my step-dad once said,

"We love Michael, (my oldest, adopted son) but we wish you would have a child of your own"

That hurt me so DEEP.....that I couldn't say anything for a long time.

And finally just replied, "Michael IS MY OWN"

Secondly: Can I suggest a book?

It's called "Different and Wonderful"
(raising Black children in a Race Conscious Society)
By Dr. Derek and Darlene Hopson)

It's not a "thriller", like you just can't put it down. Honestly, I am still struggling through it, page by page. But I think that it MAKES be think of things that I would not ever consider as a "white" person. It also contains a resource guide in the back of children's books that encourage self-esteem etc. It probably won't give you any good come back lines....but help you answer in an "informed" manner.

Hang in there!

Melda

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In any situation it always helps to put the ball in THEIR court....answer their question with a question....and see what they can come up with "on the spot"

Does it bother you to raise a "different" child?

The answer is a simple no.
All children need to feel loved, regardless of the color of their skin.

Is it fair?

Is anyone's life fair?

Define fair? Is it fair that I can love her just as much as a woman with brown skin?

Let her decide.

Melda

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Would be to simply ask her "why would you ask anyone a question like that" or "what would possess you to ask something like that" - puts the ball back in their court and makes them realize that it is not appropriate to ask these types of questions.

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Originally Posted By Linny

Thanks to all of you who have posted thus far...and anyone else who may post after this writing.

  I certainly appreciate the suggestion of the book, Melda....and I'm going to check on it at the nearby library. Like I said, I thought that I was prepared for anything; but ignorance has a way of 'popping up to us'...now doesn't it?

  In the meantime, I've filed away some of these comments for possible use in the future!!!

Love,

Linny

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Isn't it incredible some of the stupid things people say? Here's a response for you the next time a person asks if it bothers you to raise a child that is different than you. "No. It doesn't bother me at all. Why? Does it bother you?" :-) JJ

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I have also had people ask when I'm going to have one of "my own" Hello! My children are my own. The worst is when people make their comments or ask their questions right in front of my children, as if they weren't there. JJ