[Barran]

I am 33, married to a great man, we have no children..I have always thought the reason I don't have children is because I am suppose to or meant to adopt a child. I don't currently feel a void in my life triggering a need for a child (sounds wrong but sometimes people have children for the wrong reason, filling in a void would be a wrong reason to me or having a child to fix a marriage, or thinking it would bring more love to the marriage etc, I am saying those aren't my reasons), but I do however know that my husband and I are very good people and we have a lot love, we are financially sound etc and I feel like we would be great parents, I also feel that it would be selfish of us if we don't look into adopting because we could help a child and make a difference in their life and ours.

I have read some things on the "adoptees" forum and read other things regarding aparents and their issues, I really don't see anything very positive in adopting after reading posts from both areas...the adoptees really never say anything about their adoptive parents, they are all focused on finding their biological parents.
I can understand the need to find the bio parents but how do they truly feel about their adoptive parents, all of them seem obsessed to find their real parents...how odd that must feel for the adoptive parents, how awkward is it for them spend all those hours stressing about if you loved them enough, if you fulfill their pain of being abandoned, the fear of losing them later to their bio parents, all the money invested, all time invested with talking, crying, laughter, to have them search for something you have been to them for all those years.

I think I can't risk myself for this. And some of the stories I have read about open adoption, gosh, doesn't seem right, seems like it would confuse the child even more.

Can anyone say anything to convince me that this is a good idea?

[MkMw]

Hi there!

A few years ago, you could have been me. I wanted to be a parent, discovered we had "IF issues", and decided it just wasn't in the cards, and was happy for years. After babysitting my nephew and niece (then 4 and 2) for 10 days, I changed my mind again - and here we are today (I'm 37).

I had no "void" to fill in my life. But my children have added a dimension to it that I can't imagine not having. Fortunately I knew and (because I have a big mouth) met many people who were adopted, had placed children, and had adopted (in real life not online) they gave me a realistic picture of what to expect. There are some adoptees here who do talk (and talk kindly) about their adoptive families. I'm sure they'll speak up!

I think the biggest thing to remember is that while an adoptive family has some different and/or additional issues to keep in mind, we are in every sense a real family, and that means we need to know how to handle those issues when/if they come up.

Learning from those who placed, adopted and were adopted is important, but there is alot more negativity online than *I* have found in life. And READ, READ, READ.... I found more books online than in book stores...I must have 20 books (or more!)

[tobeafamily]

First, remember that boards and forums like these aren't meant or intended to be representative of adoption. They are instead a place where people with issues can come and discuss them, as well as places where topics can be debated, etc. Like in other areas, people come here because adoption is an issue for them, either positive, negative, exploratory, otherwise.

I have to echo M when I say there was no deep and burning void in our lives before Ryan came. We enjoyed our lives together, strong marriage, etc. I think it was more a belief that we would be good parents. There was also something I'm sure I can't express in words, not a longing but a 'knowing' that this was the step we were to take to grow. It does indeed take risk though - you risk everything you are on the belief that everything you will become will be more.

Ryan has brought so much to my life I can't even begin to explain it - and not just through him but his birth family as well. Through having them in our lives (we are in a fully open integrated adoption) we have learned more about the power of love, of courage and determination than we ever would have without them. Besides, they're a lot of fun to have in the family. As to confusion, I can't really speak for that, he's 2 next month, but seems quite delighted to have 9 grandparents to give him hugs and spoil him.

I will say though that I'll take him being confused with his entire history rather than have him devistated by the loss of part of it. That's a choice we made knowingly and lovingly. Confusion is eradicated with education and understanding. Easier than losing a part of onself in a closed past IMHO.

I think it's important to understand motives in adoption - don't adopt to help a child or to 'rescue' someone. Going from an adult to a parent is nothing short of a metamorphosis. It should be undertaken for the same reason you would want to concieve - because you want to experience being a parent. If you want to save or rescue a child, volunteer in a family shelter, donate to children's charities, rock drug-addicted infants in hospitals. There are many other ways to fulfill that goal. Parenting isn't a 'rescue' mission, it's a life change.

IMHO, best of luck on your journey.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Barran]

Thanks for the information from both of you. It was helpful.

Please note that I didn't mean to convey that adopting a child would be a rescue mission or a charity task for me and my husband.
I have it in my heart, mind etc...I feel it everday that this is something I should do. I don't feel it to be a rescue mission, I look at my situation of not being able to concieve a sign that I am needed this way instead of the way the majority of women become a mother. I certainly have gone through the phase that possibly not everyone is meant to mother and that is why I have not concieved but my heart tells me that I am suppose to be a mother this way......does that help you understand where I am coming from.

Chosing to adopt is not an easy decision, I grew up with two girls that were adopted and they were hell on wheels and hated their adopted mothers and then I read somethings on this site and it just wore me out a little.

[spaypets]

Most of the adoptees I've known have been really well adjusted. My college roommate was adopted and though her parents were a little difficult (very old fashioned) she loved them and respected them.

I think sometimes when kids are wild people emphasize their adoptive status, where when they are "good" it gets forgotten by everyone.

[tobeafamily]

"I have it in my heart, mind etc...I feel it everday that this is something I should do. I don't feel it to be a rescue mission, I look at my situation of not being able to concieve a sign that I am needed this way instead of the way the majority of women become a mother. I certainly have gone through the phase that possibly not everyone is meant to mother and that is why I have not concieved but my heart tells me that I am suppose to be a mother this way......does that help you understand where I am coming from."


Yep, pretty much where I came from. That's why I tell my son he was born in my heart.


"I grew up with two girls that were adopted and they were hell on wheels and hated their adopted mothers and then I read somethings on this site and it just wore me out a little."

I can't help but wonder if this was more a factor of who they were than whether they were adopted or not. Heck, there were times I hated my mother too. Some things transcend biology.

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 we became friends with a woman who was adopted. She was in her 20's. She went on a search and found her biological family shortly after we knew her. I remember asking her why? She said it was just to 'fit a piece into the puzzle'. She loved (and still loves) her adoptive parents, she just wanted to know for herself. Her story was one of the big reasons why we chose a fully open adoption - so Ryan would never have to search for that piece of the puzzle. It would be there for him, just like my history is there for me.

When we started our search for Ryan, I was frankly amazed at some of our friends and colleagues who came out and said "I'm adopted" - Really? Perfectly healthy, well adjusted self sufficient people who don't rail against the Gods or have major issues. Some I'd known for years, yet never knew this.

I'd ask them about their experiences. Some had found their bfamily, some had no desire to look. One told me of how he would scream 'you're not my REAL mom' when he didn't get what he wanted. His mom's response 'kiddo, I'm as real as it gets'. He told me to use that for Ryan. No retort to that one in his opinion.

HTH,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[leannh]

hi, i would just like to remind you that these boards are for people with 'issues', so you probably wont find many posts from the well adjusted, happy adoptees. unless they are here to help educate and inform, most are out living their lives with no need to be here. so please dont use a forum like this to base a judgement on. i made the same mistake when i first began our adotpion journey. and was pretty scared about it all, but once i educated myself, it all bacame clear and made sense. i say (like the others), read books, studies and ask questions. you will find your answer in the 'real' world.
good luck

[St.Ives]

i don't think that's true at all. the issue that brought most of the adoptees to this board is that we are searching for our birthparents. i came here to search and stayed on for the suport and discusson. many of the adoptees here came here for the same reason. because they are searching. this does not mean we are not happy and well ajusted.

[leannh]

i didnt mean to offend anyone, maybe i misspoke. she had mentioned that she was having a hard time cuz of some of the posts she had read and all i was saying was that there are Many well adjusted and happy adoptees out there that are not here to tell her that, so not to use only this forum to base a judgment about adoption on.
sorry if i hurt your feelings or didnt explain myself well enough

[echaos]

I'm an adoptee who first came to these boards because I was becoming and adoptive Mom.

I too found my birth mother, but this has not changed the great relationship I have with my parents. They were very supportive of me during my search.

With my son, we have an open adoption that has been closed by his birth mother. I hope that one day she will be willing to open it again so that Liam doesn't have to spend years searching if he chooses to.

Good luck in your decision. Becoming parents (no matter the method) is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Like MkMw said, READ, READ and READ some more. But also, go out and meet other people who have lived one side or the other of the triad. A lot of adoption agencies have meet and greet sessions that you can attend and ask questions.