[cj416]

I thought maybe if I started journal it would help me with the wait.
Here's a little of our story. I have 2 bio sons,8 and 4. The first one I had no problem getting preg. the second took 3 months of fertility drugs. After I had him I was told I could not have anymore babies. My body would not allow it, nor could it handle another preg. Both of mine were hard and I sent alot of time on bed rest.
I knew I wanted one maybe 2 more children. So 2 years ago I began researching adoption. Months of reading and phone calls. I came to the reality that there was no waywe could afford adopting international or domestic. It would take years to save up that kind of money. So, that route was cut short.
So, I looked into adoption through the state and through the indian tribe, dh is Cherokee. Neither of us was dead set on an infant, we had already done the baby time. So, we set our ages we would consider at 0-7. We contacted DHS first. We started the process with them in March 2003. We did our classes and our homestudy and boom we were approved. Everything happened so fast. We thought wow that went fast maybe we will be matched fast? Dream on..So, Come Nov 2003 there was still no match in site, so we contacted the tribe. A week later they came to the house and we were approved though them as well. We thought for sure by using 2 different routes it would be faster.
Well, it is now Feb. 2004 and still no match in site. We've had a couple of times we went to committee in other states, but they didn't pick us..
So we wait and wait. Will the wait ever end??

[bumpkin]

I'm in...

My DH and I tried for 3 years to conceive with no luck. We were blessed to adopt our son 6 years ago through domestic infant adoption. We started the process for another (same route) about 2 years ago. No news yet, so have started the process to be approved through our state's DSS. We also do not have to be matched with an infant - but would like toddlers (maybe 2) under 4. Currently we are going through MAPP classes etc... so we're hoping that things will go quickly for us, but seem to be on the roller coaster of thinking it will for a while, then thinking it won't for a while. I guess we just continue and wait. Confident that one way or another we will be parents again.

Also, must confess I am addicted to this forum!!! I have learned much and really wouldn't be considering DSS route if not for the info I have learned here.

Bumpkin

[cj416]

Ok, it's a new month. SO, here's hoping, praying,chantting or whatever it takes that this is our month. There is one child that is "suppose' to have her fait decided by the end of this month. We have also put our interest in on a couple of other children as well. The weird thing is we have only been up for 1 child in our state the entire time we have been approved..I don't know if that means anything, I just thought it was odd.
We know that we will find the child or children that belong with us, but my gosh the waiting has been hard.
It's almost Spring, so maybe that will make it easier. I can find more to keep me busy once the weather gets nice. Plus, the kids won't have cabin feaver anymore.
It would be sooo much easier if I knew the age of the child that we are waiting for. Then I could go buy stuff. I already have a bed and bed linens, because we know we only want a girl. I have a few disney books and toys, but thats about all I can get.
Somedays I swear I can hear the secinds tick by in slow motion.
T----I----C-------K-------T------O-----C------K--------...TIME GOES SO SLOW..

[cj416]

Well, we heard from one worker tody and she says now it is going to be another month and a half before a placement is decided for a child we are intersted in. First it was the end of january then feb. then mid march now not until May.. I don't get it.
I check other state photo listings a couple of times each week. Sometimes I find 3 or 4 children that might be a match for us, but lately I have not found anything. I am really begining to stress over it. I feel like we will never find a match..I am just not good at waiting. It's like kids and waiting for Christmas. My boys will tell me a hundred times a day how many days until Christmas, starting at the begining of Novemeber... It is haard to wait for something you want alot....

[bumpkin]

CJ

It is soo frustrating to just hear your news. Why on earth would they wait any amount of time to make a decision???? if families are interested in these WAITING children, why can't they be looked at within a reasonable amount of time - say 30-60 days - it seems like that would be enough time. Are they telling you why it's been moved? why it will take solong?? I don't understand.

Bumpkin

[cj416]

Well, she is a native american, so the tribe and dhs have to come together to place her. To very slow groups working together..So, there's no telling. DH is native american so that is not the prob. their just not working good together I guess. I don't really know all the details to the delay. they only tell you so much.

[cj416]

Well something hit me today like a ton of bricks.... I feel rejected. I feel like we are not being chosen for any children, because they don't think we are good enough. Wow, does that ever hurt to even think that. It has been about a year since we began this process and I think that is where this comes from. God I am so down about all this.
It is so hard to think that we could still be waiting in a year.. What feelings would I be having then?
Our worker isn't really supportive. She acts put out to even talk to us. How do we know she is even trying to find a match for us? We have not heard anything from her about a match in our state since Oct...And that one was just a maybe. She has only told us about that one and one other one.
What's wrong with our family?

[browntap]

Every time we have our worker send out our profile and we are not picked, I feel really down! What's wrong with us? I second guess the wording of our profile or the pictures of the family. After the last time that we were not chosen (that sounds much better than rejected), I was really grumpy and down. My husband said, "You're not going to be like this everytime, are you?" Well, by golly, I just might be!

I get so excited and worked up everytime someone looks at our profile. I think about it constantly. Whenever the phone rings I think it may be "the call." It's really similar to what I do with the lottery. We never play unless the amount is unreasonably huge and the chances of winning are slim. But I get so excited and think about how we could do so much for our friends and family with all that money, etc. And of course, we do not win! So I get that build up of excitement and adrenaline and then the huge downer.

Right now our profile is out and being looked at, I keep asking my husband when we will hear if we've been chosen or not. He said he hopes we do not hear for awhile because I'll just feel down when I find out it wasn't us. Husbands, they just know us too well!!
Good luck and God Bless,
Tammi

[cj416]

Well, I sent my worker some more one pagers, which I am supposed to do every few months, in the envelope I put a little note with a few questions and asked her to call. Well, I never got the call, so I called and left a message for her. I never got a call back. Her voice mail doesn't say she is out of the office for any amount of time, so that would usually mean she is there.
So, what do you do? I just don't know what to do...

[bumpkin]

Hey CJ - What are one pagers?? Could you consider leaving a voice mail asking her if you need to contact her at a different number- you are not sure if she is getting your messages? or can you email her with a a"reply" response so you know she read it?

I can't imagine your frustration at this point. Hang on and breathe deep!

Bumpkin

[cj416]

One pagers are a one page description of your family that has a photo on it. The workers take it to their state staffing meetings and exchange them with one another if they have children that match that family. Rather than carry around copies of the homestudy they carry these and then ifhe other worker decides they would like the homestudy they call and get it.
She has not given us her email. She perfers talking rather than writing. I wish I could email her, I am so much better at putting my thoughts in writing than in words....
I'm doing alot of deep breathing and "busy" activities so I don't go wacko!!

[enerad]

Wow... not that it's good. Boy do I feel the same way. I keep wondering what is wrong with us. I made our profile lively, happy, and I know we will be great parents. I even went to the point of "I am being punished for some unknown reasons." Can't get pregnant, not being choosen to adopt.

I say to myself... I am not going to think about adoption for a whole week, not talk about etc... to give myself a break, and then someone asks. For first time, I am beginning to say to people. I'll let you know when something happens. '

I am beginning to also find myself steer away from the new babies, and moms. I have always been open minded and never let that bother me, but.... I can't stand this waiting. I check the 1-800 line each day to see if anyone called, check the adoption e-mail. I look at the web sites to see where are profile is in the mix. UUGH!

I am beginning to feel the same way about our outreach coordinator. When I talk to them... I say what can we do differently, etc... I was told not to long ago to start becoming a squecky wheel. They get attention. But... how do you do that. I don't know what else to e-mail, or call about.

We just increase the amount of birthmother support we are willing to pay. I mailed out a few more profiles. But... just plain beginning to feel like this will never happen.

Darene

[bumpkin]

enerad - It's so hard to wait... I told someone the other day I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when the new ones get here!

I know what you are saying too, i'm not really comfortable being the squeaky wheel -not my style..... but everyeone says you have to. Maybe we could get some good ideas going on how to do this constructively.

Any thoughts anyone!

Bumpkin

[cj416]

well, we finally got a call back from our worker. She left a very cold message on our voice mail stating she had no news and she had no children we were even up for in our state. She said I have no child for you. Don't know if we will.
I am begining to think the only way we will find one is if we do what we are doing by submitting our home study out of state our selves. Then again how do we know she isnt telling these people when they call her for more info, that we don't want that child w/ out talking to us first?
You just never know what is going o behind the scenes...

[cozy]

just read all your posts, and can definately feel your sadness about the wait time...we have been through this roller coaster of adoption two times--one for our now 5 year old son, five years ago, and again recently, matched and awaiting the birth of our second child. Both times the wait was long, but i did do alot to make it easier, that I thought i would share
1) i connected with alot of women on the internet, and wrote to them daily sometimes, when i was feeling down about not being matched, or depressed over a friend being pregnant...etc.
2) I also joined a local support group -- it gave me hope that if i stick with this path towards a family, i will have one
3) I told my social worker at the agency to stop telling me every time they sent out my profile. I asked for them to just tell me that our profile is being sent out. If you don't get called everytime they send out your profile, then you will not be so disappointed if they don't pick you. You will not know. This helped for me.
4) I also called my social worker or contact at the agency alot just to talk to her. She helped me through this process. She made me feel good about myself and that out there somewhere was my birthmother waiting for me to find her.
5) sometimes you might have to move in a different direction that might lead you to your baby. For example, we tried for approx a year to adopt on our own, through a private attorney in NY where we live. After a year of almosts, and lots of disappointment
with not getting matched, I turned to these boards again and found that there were some agencies out there that weren't out of our price range ( I originally thought we could not afford this route) and after talking to some wonderful adoptive mothers on line that gave me referrals for agencies, we chose the one we are with now. So, after 14 months of waiting after signing up with them 5 years ago, our DS arrived. And, he was worth every single minute of waiting...of course I did alot of crying and yelling and mourning, just like many of you are expressing.
someone once told me that sometimes you need to look in a different direction and that is where your baby is. This worked for us. Now we are awaiting the birth of our second baby, also through this agency. So if anyone wants to look into this option, let me know, the agency is in California, a wonderful adoption state.
sorry this is so long.
If anyone wants to talk on a daily basis, and wants to make a support group on line I am here.
take care
Jill
adoptive mom to DS, jake
and one on the way, ** due end of april