[NCMom]

Has anybody ever had a birthmother stay with them while they were expecting? We have been matched with a 17 yr old girl in Ohio who is expecting in September. She is the daughter of a very good friend, and we plan on having a fully open adoption. My friend wants to have access to her grandbaby, and we are fully agreeable to that. My DH and I have no insecurities when it comes to birthfamily involvement, as long as everybody has the best interest of the child at heart. The girl was residing with her father in Ohio (who wants nothing to do with her) and has given his permission for her to come to Texas (where we live) to stay with her Mom during the pregnancy. The only problem is that the daughter and mother can only take each other for a few days, and then are at each others throats (Why she was living with her father). Also, my friend only has a 1 bedroom apartment. We have a huge house and plenty of room. We are all in agreement that the Birthmom would have to have a transition plan in place after the baby comes home, and she says she wants nothing to do with the baby, at least for a while. I know this girl fairly well (she babysat for my 2 children a couple summers ago) and we get along great. I feel very blessed she chose us, and want to do everything I can to help her. She knows we can not give her money or anything, but I don't see anything wrong with providing her at least temporary food and shelter. I'm sorry for rambling. I just want to make sure she gets the best of care.

[mom2alex]

I don't have any experience with this but would encourage you to check with a local adoption attorney. Some states are very strict on what you can provide for potential birthmothers, others are quite lenient. If a situation like this is not allowed in your state, it could put the entire adoption in jeopardy. Talk to an attorney to be on the safe side.

Good luck!

[ddhuab]

I think your plan to allow pbmom to live with you sounds like a good one, especially since she already knows you. One of the agencies I interviewed mentioned that a family recently let a pbmom live with them. Besides saving you a little money on "birthmom expenses," I think it will give you great opportunities to "bond" with this girl in ways that the child will one day appreciate.

My only worry about this type of situation would be that the birthmom would bond so much that (emotionally) she would be expecting you to "adopt" her. As long as you want a very open adoption and have a well-thought-out post-birth plan, though, I think the entire family can benefit from this option.

Good luck and congratulations!

D.

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by ddhuab
My only worry about this type of situation would be that the birthmom would bond so much that (emotionally) she would be expecting you to "adopt" her. As long as you want a very open adoption and have a well-thought-out post-birth plan, though, I think the entire family can benefit from this option.

I agree. What often happens in cases like this is that the adopting parents become the expectant mother's only source of support. That support evaporates after the baby is born when the needs of the baby take precidence. I think it might be wiser to check out other community supports. Many birthmothers I know stayed with foster families during their pregnancies.

The other thing is that her apathy now is not necissarily how she will feel later. Is she receiving counseling? Have you talkedabout what her relationship with the child will be? Has she explored parenting at all? These are very important considerations.

[NCMom]

I hear you. And the fact that we need to make sure there is a transition plan in place for her is not lost on us. We have looked into her finishing her High School diploma online (She does not have that many more credits to go) and my husband is going to teach her to drive so she can get her licence. Both her and the birthfather, who at 17 and 19 respectively, are both ADAMANT they do not want to parent. There is still 7 months to go, and a lot can still happen. Right now we are just taking it a day at a time, and trying to get her basic needs met. We go to the Dr. tommorow. I pray that she and the baby are OK. Before we took her in, she would go days without eating. My parents have also suggested a group home or foster care. I just don't have the heart to something that heartless. I want her to know that I care just as much about her as the baby inside her, and that she is a valuable human being in her own right. I'm also aware I may get my heart broken. I guess I just think it's worth the risk.

And I know her heart and mind will change about contact when she gets older. I hope she grows into a healthy, mature and succcessful young lady who will be comfortable in coming to us to re-establish contact. Like I said...One day at a time. Thanks, and I will keep you all posted.

[DianeS]

Hmmm. Do you know why she and her mother bother each other so badly? Honestly, at 17, it could well be the girl's attitude.

What if she pulls an attitude on you? Or refuses to be productive - no cleaning, no communicating, expecting you to wait on her? How much slack are you willing to cut someone living in your home, even if she has said she expects you to adopt her baby?

Worst case scenario, what if she's a total pain and says "if you make me pick up (or you yell, or set a curfew, etc) you can't have the baby?"

Like all situations where the adoptive parents help out the birth parents, I'd urge caution. Do this only if you'd do it anyway if she'd promised the baby to someone else but asked to live with you.

[Jackiejdajda]

NCMom wrote..My parents have also suggested a group home or foster care. I just don't have the heart to something that heartless.

I personally believe that a person should decide to relinquish after the birth..

If you help her get into a group home or foster care.. IMO you are giving her her anonymity.. You are giving her a chance to make her decision away from the emotions she may feel for you after she has lived with you..

Just a thought..


Jackie

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by DianeS
Hmmm. Do you know why she and her mother bother each other so badly? Honestly, at 17, it could well be the girl's attitude.

This is normal behavior for a 17 year old girl. She is supposed to be "moving away" from her mother. It's a painful process for all. If there is anything I have learned about parenting it is that it takes two. Children may act in certain ways, but we, as adults, can control how we respond to it.

NC mom, look into the foster care option. Sometimes "the kindness of strangers" can be a good thing. It may give her the perspective she needs.

[NCMom]

Well its been a little over a week, and things seem to be going well. She is not at our house all the time (sometimes at her Moms, Aunts, Cousins) but we are kind of "Home Base" We went to her first doctor appointment, and she, besides being a little underweight, and the baby are doing fine. There is still such a long road, but we are doing it one day at a time. We are very careful about not giving her anything that the law prohibits, but have found creative ways to have friends hire her for odd jobs and stuff so she has pocket money. Have had many talks with her and made it clear we would be doing this regardless of her adoption plan. Looking into a part time jobs and prepping her for the GED to help occupy her time and prepare her for life after baby. I know. You all think I'm insane. Let the berating begin.

[ddhuab]

No berating from me. I am a natural nurturer and an educator, so I can totally see where you are coming from. I really hope that all works out well. I also think it is great you are getting people in your community/circle involved with knowing her -- that way, if you do feel the need to find some alternate housing for her, there are more possibilities.

Please keep us posted. I would love to be able to establish a good relationship with an expectant mother.

D.

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by NCMom
You all think I'm insane. Let the berating begin.

I don't think you're insane, and I never said it couldn't be done, but I hope both of you are getting counseling and education on this. It is going to be much more difficult to stay objective near the end of this pregnancy as you get the nursery ready. The expectations she will feel will be immense. Has someone explored parenting with her? Is that something you ever talk about?

[NCMom]

I have talked to her about counselling, and she says she does not want to do that yet. A friend of mine from church is a social worker and is going to be doing our homestudy. She also counsels Birthmoms and I am sure at some point "M" will open up and talk to her. "M" is 100% adamant about not parenting. She says she does not even like babies and still has too much she wants to do with her life. We are prepared that her feelings on this might change. But she seems very commited to the adoption. As many people are, she was not even aware that totally open arrangements could exist, and she seems to take a lot of comfort in this.

A footnote. Last night was rough. I came home and found her sobbing. She had "broken up" with the babys father on the phone. He is still out partying and doing drugs and she got wind of it from her friends back in Ohio. I think she was greiving the fantasy that he might change into a responsible, stand up guy. She would not eat dinner. We talked and talked for hours until finally around midnight she was laughing and her appetite came back.

God bless my DH who got up from a sound sleep and made a midnight run to Jack in the Box for tacos (It's what she was craving!) The look on her face when he walked in with those tacos was like "WOW, I cant believe you did that!"

Keep ya posted.

[ruthannbox]

OH MY GOSH!!!

What a terrible sounding situation, full of potential problems from now until the end of time. Consider doing what I did and adopt a beautiful Guatemalan baby in a fast, easy adoption with no problems and no future messy strings attached.
Ruth Ann

[NCMom]

Congratulations on your fast easy adoption from Guatemala. I'm sure there are tons of posters on these boards who would love to know how you pulled that off. Even though I am not adopting from that country, I still read the boards and marvel at the patience that these couples exhibit as they drown in the sea of red tape, and wait months upon months while their babies sit in orphanages. I couldn't handle it. I'd be comandeering a Black Hawk chopper and flying in to scoop them all up.

I do not see this girl as a messy situation I will have to deal with until the end of time. I welcome birthfamily involvement as long as it is in the best interest of the child. I guess I'm different, not to mention unbelivably lucky and blessed. Sometimes I feel guilty because motherhood has been so easy for me. I have never had to experience the pain of infertility or the agonizing wait for a child. I have 2 beautiful biological children, and an adopted son we were matched with through friends at church. We had an open adoption, but his birthmother cut off all contact. While some A-Parents would be heaving a sigh of relief, my heart broke. I miss having her in our lives and I greive for my son who may never get to know her. I still pray she changes her mind.

Keep in mind, that as with our son, we were approached about having this child placed with us. We have never solicited, posted, networked or even shared with friends we wanted to adopt. I have never written a "Dear Birthmother" letter. I have never set foot in an agency. Both these situations just kind of fell in our laps...the latter because this girl used to babysit for us and she knew what are views were on open adoption. In her words, "If I ever want to see the baby, your the only ones I know I can trust to let me" Like I said, I feel guilty about how easy it has been, especially when I see the tremendous effort, money and waiting so many have to endure to accomplish their dream.

So while an overseas adoption may be the right thing for you, and others who never want to have birthparent involvement, it's not right for us. There are so many questions I will never answer with an "I don't know honey" Who do I look like? What is my medical history? Do I have any other siblings? Did my birthmom love me? Etc Etc Etc. This child (and hopefully my son too someday) can go straight to the source, not some file folder.

So what you call messy strings, I call the loving ties that bind my family. I would not have it any other way.

[MNelson]

Hear, hear, NCMom on openness. It sounds like you have the opportunity to build a strong and loving family foundation for this child. It is going to take a lot of diligence and support though. At some point in the future, she's going to miss the attention provided through the late night Jack-in-the-Box deliveries.