[terelee37]

Does anyone know how long the birth parents in Ohio have to change their minds? My husband and I have an opportunity to adopt a new born in March. The mother kind of scares us, because she asked if she could help name him. Also the grand mother wants to visit. I hate to say no to this child. Help please!

[dream mom]

the law in ohio is the birthparents have 72 hours before they are allowed to reliquish their rights, but this means that both parents have signed the adoption agreement, if only the birthmother has signed it is considered an at risk adoption. hope this helps

[terelee37]

Yes it does help. I didn't realize we even had to wait. I was more concerned about how long they had after to change their minds! Didn't even think about the first 72 hours. Both parents are involved, in fact engaged. Just not ready yet is what they tell me.

[dream mom]

if both parents are on board to sign after the 72 hour period then you should be fine there is not a revocation period in ohio.

[terelee37]

So you mean after they both sign the papers they can never change their minds and try to take him back? That would be so awsome. Or do you mean they can change their minds at any time til he reaches 18 years, that could be horrible.

[goin'batty]

After the 72 hours, they have no parental rights, all rights will belong to either the court or licensed agency that you are working with until your adoption is finalized 6 months later. I would have assumed that either your lawyer or SW would have explained this to you. Have you had your homestudy and everything so that this placement can occur?

On a personal note, I wouldn't freak out about the naming or visiting issue unless you were planing on having a closed adoption and have discussed this with the bparents. The young lady that we are matched with also wanted to help name the baby and wants to have visits. We all found a name that we all liked and have decided on that one. My partner and I picked the first name and she picked the middle name, so the little guy will have a name from both of us. It also helps that the same name will be on both birth certificates so that we don't have to deal with the "why did you change my name" issue later in life.

Just my two cents.
L

[DianeS]

The adoption laws don't tell birth parents they can't change their minds ... they only say that even if the birth parents change their minds, if everything was done legally then they cannot force you to give the child back to them.

They can change their minds, they can hire a lawyer, they can even take you to court. They just won't win.

Just be honest before the child is born about the kind of contact you want the child (and you ) to have with the birth family. How much time you'll spend together before the birth, how much input the mother will have as to the name you'll choose for him, and if you're comfortable with visits or not.

As long as you're HONEST about what you mean and want, the birth parents can make an educated decision about whether they will accept that level of involvement or not, and whether they want you to adopt the child or not.
And as long as they are honest about what they mean and want, you can decide if it's a situation you'll accept or not.

Good luck!

[terelee37]

I was very uneducated when this all began. I did not realize I had to have a home study when this all began. I figured a private adoption was different I guess. I do have an attorney, but do not meet with him until next month. I have asked about an agency for my home study but he has not given me a reply. I just getting exasperated.

[ddhuab]

Terrellee-

Try looking up some local agencies in the phone book of your hometown. I found that many agencies here will do a homestudy for a fee (all the one's in Birmingham range from $900-$1200, depending on the agency) as a service seperate from using them as an "agency." I believe a homestudy just has to be done by a liscenced social worker. I called Catholic Family Services and the Children's Aid Society and both were helpful in offering homestudy advice and estimates on time and cost based on their own services. I also called the local DHS (the foster care people at the state level), who I was sure could provide services or info, but they never called me back (I guess they are really busy).

I was advised through a national agency, however, that different states have different homestudy requirements, so if you and the birthparents live in different states, then you should probably find out which state has the most requirements in order to err on the safe side and make sure all information necessary is present. Homestudies require FBI background and fingerprint checks, so it can take at least 2 months to get that finished!

I don't know if you can get around doing a homestudy if you are doing independent adoption. From what I am reading it seems like the STATE requires it in order to finalize.

Good luck!

Dina

[Searching_03256]

Not to be a doubting thomas - but if you attorney can't see you until next month, under these circumstances, then I wonder if you would not be better off with another attorney? Please make sure that you are set up with an adoption attorney - one who has very good references WITH REGARD TO ADOPTION MATTERS, has done quite a few etc. You can check with the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys www.adoptionattorneys.org or the professional referal section of adoption.com

I can't imagine a client being in your position and calling me and me not making time to talk to them or get them in here IMMEDIATELY given the time frames for homestudies and everything.

Every state is different regarding the use of agencies, what is necessary for homestudies, etc. Please make sure that the advice you take is from someone knowledgable about Ohio specifically.

-Scott

[terelee37]

We are being honest whenever a question is asked. Igeuss what is really scary is that this couple never contacts us when they say they will.
Birthmom is supposed to call us today. We still have not met. She also told me I could go to doctor appointments with her, but has never given me an appointment time. At this point I'm not even sure she is going.
I want a child very badly, sometimes I think I'm willing to accept any circumstance to get one.

[terelee37]

This attorney is also a life time family friend, maybe this is my problem. He is never in a rush for anything. Thanks for the web site Scott. I do appreciate any information everyone is so kind to offer.
Tere'

[goin'batty]

Tere,

My best advice to you would be to be very honest with YOURSELF about what you can and will be able to deal with and stick to it. We all want a child very badly, but you can't rush into this blindly. We all have situations that we cannot deal with and to make yourself think that you can handle anything, when you really can't would be an awful thing to do to yourself and family, including your new child. It's hard but you must step back and evaluate your situation objectively. The right child will find you. It sounds hokey, but it's true.

Last year, my SW called us and said that a baby boy who was a month old was in the hospital with a mild case of encephalitis. He would maybe have a mild learning disability but would be a normal boy, would we be interested. Wow, we were so excited. We rushed over to the hospital, held him for hours and fed him and really thought he was adorable. However, we had discussed before hand what we were capable of dealing with and a baby with a severe handicap was something we couldn't handle. So, I made an appointment with his doctor who dropped a bombshell on us. He had contracted herpes encephalitis, had stopped breathing twice, had brain damage to both lobes and brain stem, they didn't know if he could hear or see or if he would ever be able to do those things. They didn't know if he would be a functioning person. I was crushed, but thank goodness I had researched everything and new in advance that I couldn't handle a situation like that. I cried a lot but I knew that we weren't the right family.

Now, I am matched with a young woman who is due at the end of March. We've been matched with her since she was 2 months pregnant, and it hasn't always been easy. I know that you said that the bmom didn't seem to communicate well with you, and frankly that would be of some concern to me if she keeps doing it. At the begining of our match, the bmom didn't keep us informed very well. I told her how that upset me and she has made an effort to do better. I'm going to say something that might not go over well with a lot of people and it's not meant to be disrespectful or apply to every birthmom, but some of these young ladies aren't real responsible and sometimes they aren't use to having someone else in their life who wants to know what's going on. I would just try to talk to her and tell her that you:

1. want to know when her appointment is. If she doesn't want you to go after all, try to be okay with that. However, you do have a right to know the health of the baby. I would ask her to have the medical reports faxed to your lawyer or ask her to sign a consent to talk to her doctor.

2. Ask to meet her if you want to.

3. Tell her how you feel about not knowing what's going on and that you would like to be able to talk more to her. Ask her if it would be okay if you called once a week or so just to see how she's doing. I would spend a lot of time just getting to know each other. Your conversations don't have to revolve just around the baby.

4. Do talk about what you all want from this adoption. Talk about who's going to be present at the birth, etc. Talk about how much contact will be involved after placement.

Don't leave the responsibility of communication with just her. The bmom that we are matched with never calls us or emails us first, however, she loves to talk to us. I think she's afraid that she might be bugging us.

Finally, I wanted to tell you that in Ohio, you do have to be careful about paying bmom expenses. I thought I should mention this to you since you seem to not have a good working relationship with your lawyer. You don't have a lot of time til march, some of the homestudy stuff can take awhile to complete, I would really urge you to contact another lawyer or agency to get the ball rolling.

If it's important to you, let her know it. Remember, this person is going to be in your life forever, even if she isn't really physically there. Make sure that this is a situation you can live with.

Hope I'm helping and not just rambling!
L

[terelee37]

Thanks you so much for your reply. You answered many of the questions I hadn't even asked yet. Bmom had told me I could attend dr visits and that we could be in the delivery room with her.
She has said that her fiancee (bdad) is fine with all of this. I have spoken to her mother, but never the father. I can't help but feel that she is hidding something.
I had been told that she was half black. Doesn't make a bit of difference to me. When I questioned her mother about it, she said the were American Indian. Maybe that is why she has never come to meet us. I just don't know.
I am going to call my lawyer today, again. I have a background check and fingerprinting down because I am a registered nurse and do home visits for the state. I help take care of handicapped children who live at home. This I think should help the process.
My husband, however, has none of this done. We have been on a waiting list with childrens services since Sept just to begin the classes and home study. Have just begun to look into private agencies when I found out I would still need one. So I guess I can't blame all the delays on my attorney.
You all have no idea what a wonderful help you have been to me and my husband.
God bless all of you
Tere'

[Searching_03256]

Originally posted by goin'batty
Tere,

My best advice to you would be to be very honest with YOURSELF about what you can and will be able to deal with and stick to it. We all want a child very badly, but you can't rush into this blindly. We all have situations that we cannot deal with and to make yourself think that you can handle anything, when you really can't would be an awful thing to do to yourself and family, including your new child. It's hard but you must step back and evaluate your situation objectively. The right child will find you. It sounds hokey, but it's true.

Last year, my SW called us and said that a baby boy who was a month old was in the hospital with a mild case of encephalitis. He would maybe have a mild learning disability but would be a normal boy, would we be interested. Wow, we were so excited. We rushed over to the hospital, held him for hours and fed him and really thought he was adorable. However, we had discussed before hand what we were capable of dealing with and a baby with a severe handicap was something we couldn't handle. So, I made an appointment with his doctor who dropped a bombshell on us. He had contracted herpes encephalitis, had stopped breathing twice, had brain damage to both lobes and brain stem, they didn't know if he could hear or see or if he would ever be able to do those things. They didn't know if he would be a functioning person. I was crushed, but thank goodness I had researched everything and new in advance that I couldn't handle a situation like that. I cried a lot but I knew that we weren't the right family.

Now, I am matched with a young woman who is due at the end of March. We've been matched with her since she was 2 months pregnant, and it hasn't always been easy. I know that you said that the bmom didn't seem to communicate well with you, and frankly that would be of some concern to me if she keeps doing it. At the begining of our match, the bmom didn't keep us informed very well. I told her how that upset me and she has made an effort to do better. I'm going to say something that might not go over well with a lot of people and it's not meant to be disrespectful or apply to every birthmom, but some of these young ladies aren't real responsible and sometimes they aren't use to having someone else in their life who wants to know what's going on. I would just try to talk to her and tell her that you:

1. want to know when her appointment is. If she doesn't want you to go after all, try to be okay with that. However, you do have a right to know the health of the baby. I would ask her to have the medical reports faxed to your lawyer or ask her to sign a consent to talk to her doctor.

2. Ask to meet her if you want to.

3. Tell her how you feel about not knowing what's going on and that you would like to be able to talk more to her. Ask her if it would be okay if you called once a week or so just to see how she's doing. I would spend a lot of time just getting to know each other. Your conversations don't have to revolve just around the baby.

4. Do talk about what you all want from this adoption. Talk about who's going to be present at the birth, etc. Talk about how much contact will be involved after placement.

Don't leave the responsibility of communication with just her. The bmom that we are matched with never calls us or emails us first, however, she loves to talk to us. I think she's afraid that she might be bugging us.

Finally, I wanted to tell you that in Ohio, you do have to be careful about paying bmom expenses. I thought I should mention this to you since you seem to not have a good working relationship with your lawyer. You don't have a lot of time til march, some of the homestudy stuff can take awhile to complete, I would really urge you to contact another lawyer or agency to get the ball rolling.

If it's important to you, let her know it. Remember, this person is going to be in your life forever, even if she isn't really physically there. Make sure that this is a situation you can live with.

Hope I'm helping and not just rambling!
L