[keharker]

Hi, I just wrote a very long post which was deleted for some reason, so I'll be brief...my husband and I are 33 and have three biological sons ages 6, 4, and 10 months. I want to adopt a daughter from China, and he has no interest and is getting progressively more angry as I refuse to let it drop. I have mentioned it casually over the years but recently have been looking into it more seriously and I'm very excited. He says he "sees no advantage" to adoption and will let me get pregnant again if I want to try to have a daughter that way. I feel this is creating serious strain in our marriage and maybe I should talk to a counselor? I should say my mother got cancer when I was 6 and died from it when I was 9, so I really want to experience the mother/daughter thing. Plus we just moved to a beautiful big house on 5 acres with a mini farm and I want to share it with another child. Plus I have always thought adoption would be a great adventure and something that would really expand our horizons and make us better people. Our kids too. I just see a million positives and no downsides. Any advice would be appreciated. I don't see myself being able to let it drop. My husband says "Most people don't get everything they want in life. Let it go."
Thanks in advance, Kate

[joymom]

It is so hard to let things go...

I can relate in a way, after adopting our 2 boys, my dh said "that's enough". He knew I would be glad to have another, but I didn't bring it up. I prayed about it and decided it was best to let it ride. If it was meant to be, God would change his mind. My nagging just makes things worse! Long story short, he did change his mind, HE BROUGHT IT UP a year later, we just submitted paperwork for our baby girl. A similar thing happened with a friend who wanted to adopt from China, her dh changed him mind after a number of YEARS.

Your youngest is so little, don't hurry. Yes, I'd say counseling might be a good option if you can't work it out... but frankly I'd suggest you let it lie and give it time. Men often need time to let things "perculate" longer than women (no stereotype intended), so who knows? But you certainly don't want to "force" a baby into a strained marriage...not to mention your other kiddos. If you were in his shoes, would you be frustrated?

I DO understand your heart for adoption...but it is VITAL to be on the same page as your spouse, even if you end up needing to lay it down. The adoption process is stressful in itself. The marriage comes first.

[spaypets]

Has he said why he doesn't want to adopt? Finding out might go a long way to figuring out what to do next. Maybe he doesn't think he can love an adopted child as much, maybe he's worried about the application process, maybe he's worried about the expense.

Right now he seems dead set against it, so I would let the matter drop for the time being. There's no point in forcing him into doing something that he doesn't want to do.

If he doesn't understand adoption, maybe you should find some friends who have adopted and let him see that adoptive families are not any different from bio ones. If he's worried about the expense, maybe you should start saving.

The adoption process can be grueling -- it's no fun having social workers probe your life. It's hard enough for those of us who WANT to adopt, it's impossible for those who don't.

[goingon3]

Are you set on an age of a girl... because if you really want to give a child a home, you might find him more responsive if you go with an older child that will cost very little. My understanding is that a child 6 and older can be adopted for $0-$2,000 if you go thru public fosrter care services.
And as far as hubby goes... maybe if you tell him that you feel you truely need to adopt because that is where your heart is leading you and that you will compromise on location, age and whatever else he needs you to compromise on, but that you need him to understand just how much this means to you... maybe he will surprise you.
to me the desire to help a lost child is as important as taking my next breath but I too had to have a 2 year long discussion with my hubby , who now is excited about starting the classes and helping me fulfill a childhood dream .

[monroeman]

I have to agree with the others who recommended that you drop the subject for now. I really don't think that bartering or bargaining is the way to get your husband to come around. He's got to be on board at the right time and for the right reason.

This is an emotional issue, and speaking for myself, as a guy, the more anyone has ever tried to drag me somewhere emotionally, the more I dig in my heels. I don't know your husband, but from the sound of your post, you aren't going to get anywere with this right now.

Hope this helps.

[Support2Adopt]

I have to agree with everything that has been said so far.
If he is dead set against this adoption, then that would come out in the homestudy process. I doubt you would even get approved.
Even if he faked a desire to adopt, what would happen when you brought a little girl home? Would he favor the boys and ignore her?
I think that getting to the root as to why he doesn't want to adopt is a good start and maybe go from there.
JJ

[Molly08]

I tend to agree with your Husband. You may not realize what you are saying but you are hoping a child can fulfill the void you feel from the death of your Mother. Perhaps you fear another pregnancy and painful birth that may result with another male child. Why Chinese, that really baffles me?Could it be that you want to have a daughter that knows the deep emotional pain of very distant separation from her own Mother?A child cannot fulfill your needs which I have no doubt you have much experience in this aspect of Motherhood.If your Husband is not agreeable to this family plan than it would not be in the best interest of any child. I am respectfully giving you my insight into your dilema. I lost my Mother and Father at the age of 5. The way I cope with it is to keep them alive by talking to them in life's many moments,and I really believe they are there.For some reason of which I know not I mostly think of my Father.I have 3 sons and 1 daughter. Respectfully Yours, Mary

[tammyg]

I was curious if your husband ever changed his mind or not?

I have a friend that is in a long term relationship - not married. Her boyfriend has kids from a previous relationship. He does not want any more children. She has no children and would like to adopt a child. He does not want her to at all. SHe is at the point where she thinks she needs to seek counseling on whether she chooses him or a child. If anyone has experience is this touchy subject, please let me know so I could, perhaps, have you talk to her.

Thanks!

Tammy

[BridgetK]

I am in a pinch...I have a 13 year daughter that I gave birth to (which I am so very blessed, she is amazing! Teenager, hormonal and a little moody, but it is all normal) and have since had 5 miscarriage's and finally told three years ago that I am infertile...Invitro could be an option, however with my diagnoses, I am not a likely candidate. I am 31 and I have wanted another for so long....many tears, pain and some anger....My husband is aware and has shared my feelings and pain, but now I feel as if he is being somewhat realistic, but more so selfish! We have talked about adoption at first he was like now ay, then understanding a bit more after seeing his cousin and best friend (their married) who have adopted raise there child up to be their own and it is amazing! Well, looking into adoption we understood that it is not as easy as it looks like on TV and is actually quite a task...we thought wow can we afford this! Well, kinda let it be at that and not talk much more about it...I got a phone call two weeks ago from a mother that called and asked for me specifically to adopt her baby. I have known her and her family since she was three and now she is 18. It would be an independent adoption she is due in two months and is willing to fly to my state and give birth here. I talked to my daughter, first as my husband was on travel ... and got her input...she is very excited and very supportive, however when I brought it up to my husband he was very adamant on NO! "we can't afford it, income not stable enough, bla, bla, bla! We both have wonderful jobs...he has a very high profile career and financially we could totally handle it! So I don't go to the spa once a week for facials or manicures etc...I color my own hair, heck there are so many ways to cut back on frivolous expenditures, that we could probably raise a herd. He said in a year! Lets wait a year and see where we are...I explained that an opportunity like this is once in a life time and I really feel that it is a blessing...he is still very adamant. Please help someone...as I feel deep in my soul that this is it...I long deep in my heart for a baby and it's a BOY! which makes it even cooler...this could be such a beautiful thing please I need advice and prayer....Help!

[Fatcat]

That is how I feel about adopting too and my husband is against it. I am asking for prayer from you all (and if you don't pray, warm thoughts) and I think I'll do the backing off and see if he comes around. Adopting is something I have planned to do my entire life and he seemingly agreed with that plan until the time actually came to do it, then he said he didn't want to. It just breaks my heart.

[Support2Adopt]

Has your husband given you any reasons why he doesn't want to adopt?
JJ

[leannh]

hi all,
i found this on theadoptionguide.com

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=318

i hope it helps!

[Fatcat]

I am trying to give him some time. Meanwhile I'm praying and if you all pray, please join me.

Thanks so much.

[Malificient]

Dear fatcat, My heart aches for you, sweetie, I feel your pain. I have been where you are, and there are times when I feel like haven't we got past this, already? Either way, I have some suggestions for you, I can tell you what we are doing, and how we got to this stage in the adoption journey! I'd rather not go into all the 'specifics" of how I am handling things on my end, but wouldn't mind sharing my thoughts with you on a different email address. If anyone else wants to know you can email me at karenandkids@cfaith.com. My main reason for not "sharing" here is there are times when myself, or others state their feelings or opinions, if it doesn't ring true with everyone, there are times when posters responses can be a bit harsh. I have made that mistake myself, regrettedly!! I don't want to have alot of negative feedback. What we do, works for us, and it's just my thoughts. Talk to ya soon. malificient (aka, karen)