[karabur]

Two girls in my family are having babies and I do mean girls. One is 23 with a 4 year old who's grandparents raise him and another is new in Nov. She has done drugs and drunks like a fish. She said she stopped. The other is 21 and has a 3 year old , 2 year old and the other is due in 3 mos. She did not even go to the dr until she was 5 mos along. I am 22 and have been married 4 years and have a college degree and most accounts have a wonderful life. Every time they get pg I get depressed. My husband and I are fertile we think. We tried for 6 mos but both agreed to adopt. I know God has meant for us to God. Viet Nam is closed now plus we are still saving. My question is am I normal? I feel bad that my arms ache but they do.

[cfharran]

I don't know if it is normal or not, but I have the same feelings. My husband and I have been married for almost nine years and have been unable to have children. My sister had her first child when she was 19. She is now expecting her third. She and her husband work very hard and love their children dearly but they have little money. I see young mothers in the store who barely know how to take care of themselves let alone a child. It is difficult to understand why people who don't seam ready to take on the responsibility of parenting are given this amazing gift and I am still sitting here with empty arms. Shortly after we dicided to adopt, my sister told us that she was pregnant again. We are still waiting and my heart aches to think that my sister will have another child before we find our baby.
It is comforting to know that others feel the same way that I do.
I wish you luck on your journey to motherhood.

[melon161]

You're feeling are normal, I think, cause I've had the same feelings. It's ok to have those feelings though because it's hard not to be jealous when someone else has what you want. Hang in there

Stacy

[jleasterday]

Karabar,

I understand how you feel because I feel the same way. It is so hard not to be jealous of these people. My sister-in-law got pregnant both times totally by accident. I wondered why it was so easy for her to get pregnant and I couldn't . i just found out that 3 of my cousins are pregnant and 2 were not even trying! I just want to believe that God has a good reason and that he is leading my dh and me to our child. We are adopting.

Jennifer

[saucey95]

It is totally normal to feel the way you do. It's part of the grieving process. People think that the grieving process is reserved for death only but that's so untrue.
Perhaps a part of you wants to continue to try for a biological child while another part wants to pursue adoption. There is no rule anywhere that says you can't do both! Talk to your husband. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't. On the other hand, don't put your life on hold while hoping each month that it will happen. If you guys truly want to adopt, then go for it whole-heartedly but understand that you are still going to grieve not having a bio child. It's perfectly normal. It's a loss of a part of ourselves. An ideal we had that we cannot attain.
You are so young and have only been trying for six months. At your age, doctor's recommend trying for a minimum of 1 year before pursuing specialty treatment. My husband and I have been trying for 7 1/2 years. I am the one with the fertility problem. We decided to adopt and now are waiting for final approval and a match.
Don't beat yourself up over having normal human feelings. Jealousy and sadness and grief over other women's pregnancies is normal under the circumstances. Try working through those feelings before making a concerted effort to move on to adoption. This way you will know that you have come to terms with your own loss and can honestly say you are ready to adopt.
Maybe one day you will have a biological child, maybe not. Either way, you can still be a mom and a parent and raise children of your own.
I send you lots of hugs and warm thoughts. If you need to talk to talk, feel free to PM or post.
Linda
Texas

[stacyone]

I know what you mean, Karabur! It used to drive me crazy that I would see women at the mall (or wherever) with, like, 12 kids, screaming at them and smacking them, and here I am, childless. I would have to stop myself from smacking the mothers and saying, "Do you have any idea what kind of gift you've been given here?"

I don't think there's another pain quite like the "empty arms" pain, and before we were matched I thought I'd feel it for my whole life. However, everything works out the way it's supposed to and someday you WILL have your baby... whether it's a baby or a toddler, domestic or international... the soul that is meant to come to you, will. (((((((hugs))))))))

[angelical]

Wait til you read this... enough to drive you nuts!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom charged in beatings of kids

By Wynne Everett
VALLEY NEWS DISPATCH (Pittsburgh Tribune-Review)
Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Tiffany Montgomery hit her children, burned at least one with a cigarette and kept another locked in a bedroom because caring for them cut too much into her personal time, Allegheny County police Lt. Robert Downey Jr. said Tuesday.

The 21-year-old Harrison woman was arrested Monday night on charges of aggravated assault, simple assault, endangering children and recklessly endangering another person.

"The children were too much for her to handle, and she couldn't have any free time for herself," Downey said at a news conference.

Downey said Montgomery, who is five months pregnant, admitted beating her 22-month-old daughter and her nearly 4-year-old son. According to police, Montgomery confessed to burning her son on the arm with a lit cigarette, cutting her daughter's eye by throwing a child's cup at her head and keeping the girl locked for long hours in a bedroom.

"We interviewed the mother and she admitted she had struck the 2-year-old and the 4-year-old repeatedly for months," Downey said.

She also admitted she has a drug habit, the lieutenant said.

Police arrested Montgomery after her mother and a cousin, who is the children's godmother, came to baby-sit for the children and found the girl badly beaten. The women, whom police would not name, apparently had concerns about the girl's welfare for several months.

When they would visit Montgomery at her Sheldon Park apartment, she would not allow them to see the girl, saying she had to be kept locked in a bedroom to keep the boy from disturbing her naps.

"They hadn't seen the 2-year-old for a while and it alarmed them," Downey said.

Monday, the women broke down the bedroom door to discover the little girl badly bruised on her head, neck and chest, Downey said.

When police arrived, the boy told them his mother had beaten both of them, Downey said. The boy's injuries seemed less severe, he said.

"It is a very severe beating," Downey said. "Slapping, in my experience, would not cause that deep bruising."

An X-ray survey of each child's entire skeleton showed that the children had not had any broken bones, Downey said.

The children are in the custody of the Allegheny County Division of Children, Youth and Families.

Montgomery is in the Allegheny County Jail to await a preliminary hearing scheduled for Oct. 29 before District Justice Carolyn Bengel.

The children's father has been in the Allegheny County Jail on unrelated charges, and Montgomery apparently has been living alone with the children, Downey said.

He credited the children's grandmother and godmother with alerting police and ending the abuse.


Wynne Everett can be reached at weverett@tribweb.com or (724) 226-4703.