[dr. mom]

I have posted before on this matter and wondered if anyone else was experiencing the same thing we are! We are experienced adoptive parents with a few children grown and successfully living on their own. We also have several children still at home (5 teenagers and 4 kindergarten-4th grade ages). I know it sounds like ALOT of kids when you first hear it! BUT we had up to 12 children at home a few years back!!! (and the children were younger).My husband works 40 hrs a week and I am a stay at home mom, all my kids are in school during the day. I have significant experience in many developmental and medical areas.( muscular dystrophy, spina bifida, cp, trisomy 21, trisomy 18, trisomy 13, apert Syndrome, hydrocephaly, microcephaly, vp shunt, g tube, ng tube, central line, trach, oxygen, injectible and IV meds, etc, etc!!! We don't smoke and have no pets. We rae wheelchair accessible~! We live close to major medical facilities with EVERY pediatric specialty including a well known Transplant Center!!We have 2 empty bedrooms and plenty of time and love for another child. We have a great support system! All of our children do well in school and none have behavioral or emotional issues. We are a very close family and dio alot together as a family nd make sure each child has 1:1 time! We have inquired about several children with nothing but rejecton. No one even wants to see our homestudy!! There i s such discrimination out there against large families! I asked about a 12 year old who has been waiting 4 years for a family and the worker said she didn't think it would work out because of our family size. I asked her if any other families had expressed an interest and the worker said NO! I asked her if she thought the chi!d would be better off in foster care until she is grown. The worker said," I don't know but it is just physically impossible for anyone to have THAT many kids and do a good job. There's no way the children's need scould be met. It just couldn't work". I invited her to fly down and visit us or set up a web cam in our house so she could see how it works!!! She laughed at me then! Today I called about 2 children, one was a waiting child with AASK AMERICA. THe lady asked me my name, husbands names ages, where we live, and number of kids at home. She said she would give this info to the caseworker and if the worker was interested !!! By that little bit of information, she can decide what is best for a child. ????Of course, we never heard from the worker and that child continues to wait! Then I called a private agency about a waiting baby, all I wanted to know was how much the adoption fees were since we don't have much money available. If it was financially impossible, I wanted to know! They wouldn't even tell me the FEES unless I faxed them my homestudy and filled out some 20 page questionairre!! Should we just give up??? Do you think I am unrealistic in thinking we will be able to adopt again???? Should I fill my 2 empty bedrooms with exercise equipment and a compurter lab??? I would much rather fill those empty roomms with a child's laughter!!! Do you think that is an unreachable goal!!!???? My children are starting to show wear and tear from all the rejection by the agencies. It really makes them feel sad and misunderstood!!!Should I give it up ???

[Shoshana]

i don't have the answers to your questions because i'm not adopting domestically (there's bias against single parents too for infant adoptions).

i did want to say that i'm really sorry for what you're going through. i think it's terribly unfair to let a child stay in foster care indefinitely when there is a family that would love and care for her.

i wonder if you try different states if they might be more receptive than what you've encountered thus far.

by the way, on the discovery health channel, there is an adoption stories program currently airing that is about a couple who adopted TWENTY-FOUR special needs boys! so apparently it CAN be done.

best wishes to you and your family.

[dr. mom]

We have tried nearly every state! I saw that adoption show on 24 children and have heard of other families with more than us! We have 2 families in our are with more children than we have but their children were all born to them so they didn't have to deal with sw and homestudies!!!
The really sad part is we aren't even eligible to adopt a child from our own state system1L! Our state requires a foster care license for adoptive parents of state wards until the adoption is finalized. We can't get a foster care license because the limit is 9 children so we are already at the limit!!! We could adopt from another state that does not require the lciense! I am so frustrated!!!!
This may not really be relevant but another thing has started bothering me! 4 years ago, I had a tubal ligation knowing I wanted more children, but thinking there were plenty of children waiting for homes that I could adopt! Now I am starting to question the decision we made.
Don't get me wrong, I feel very blessed to have the wonderful children I already have! If that is all God wants me to have, I am more than satisfied and fortunate! I am not trying to be greedy or selfish! I just can't get my mind off those waiting kids who need homes!!! I feel deep down in my heart , there is a child that needs us desperately!

[Shoshana]

you know, it doesn't make a lot of sense to go back and beat yourself up over a decision that, four years ago, was the right decision to make! i'm sure you had a good reason for having the tubal ligation. maybe there was a reason you aren't even aware of (e.g., having a baby could have been dangerous). i know it's hard when you're upset to think logically and positively, but i'm sure you made the right decision on that topic.

i had an idea -- you know how in divorce cases the court listens to the wishes of a child who is 13? maybe 16? i'm not sure what the age is, maybe it's different for different states. maybe if you were interested in teenagers they would be able to have a say. i know that most of the waiting children are teenagers... just a possibility.

another possibility -- have you considered haiti? i know that the fees for haiti are much less than most other countries. one of my co-workers (he's a history professor & a minister) & his wife are adopting a 15 year old boy from haiti. they just fell in love with this particular child -- they originally went to haiti hoping to adopt a 10 year old.

i don't think anyone who wants children, especially someone who is willing and able to raise 12!!!!! is greedy or selfish -- in fact, it's the opposite.

[amom4life]

I don't think you should give up! God has given you a special give of love and patience to nurture a large family and there is nothing wrong with that.

There is something very wrong with a system that is supposed to have the best interest of the children but won't let them go to a loving home because of the size of the family especially when no one else has shown any interest. But, then why am I surprised when this is the same system that will send children back home to live with abusive parents without blinking an eye.

Keep trusting God and don't give up!
Judy

[Linny]

I empathize with you! We have only adopted six times...and only have three at home.......but the same insinuation has been made to us as well!

I would NOT give up............but I think staying in the state system is probably not something that is going to be feasible. It is QUITE true that there is a BIG discrimination to large families. Illinois (where we live) has basically set a limit on how many children a family can adopt!!!!
(However, it's my understanding, that in Illinois......if you were to adopt strictly through an attorney......you don't have to have a foster care license.)
Perhaps the best step at this point (because I've seen it work before).....would be to contact a state representative or senator. Most of them are quite happy to invest in a family type situation, and most of them are only too happy to pick up the phone and call directly to 'the people who are making these decisions' in order to ask for an explanation.

Best of luck to you...........


Sincerely,

Linny

Moderator of 'Adopting Again'

[KDW]

Dear Dr. Mom,
Don't ever give up. You sound like such a kind caring person.
God would want you to use your gifts as a mother.
I also have heard great things about adopting through Haiti.
I agree that your state is probably going to continue to be unreasonable. Try other states if you can. It takes a special kind of couple to raise a large family, keep up the good work.

KDW

[Robin15]

We are a large family also. I now feel like we have the "cooties" since we adopted our last two little guys. We have a great worker who advocates for us but it seems that the other workers out there just aren't ready to place with us. The rejection is painful. I just keep thinking that God has His plans and I need to relax and let Him find our next child. I just keep wanting to "help" Him! Robin

[mom2khmertwins]

Have you considered going international? There are thousands of waiting children! The following countries allow large families to adopt. Some countries are very expensive (25k+) but others aren't (for example, total fees to adopt from Liberia are typically 6k). And many agencies reduce fees for waiting children. WACAP has a program called Promise Children and all fees are waived. Your only costs are homestudy, travel and INS fees. Here are the countries:

Liberia
Ethiopia
Haiti (only 3 bio children allowed, but adopted kids are ok)
Brazil (only children ages 3+)
Bulgaria
Chile (only childreng ages 4+)
Columbia (only special needs or older children)
Georgia (the country)
Guatemala
Honduras
Hungary (only children ages 3+)
Kazakhstan
Lithuania (children ages 2+)
Mexico
Moldova
Panama
Peru (special needs or older children)
Phillipines (older children)
Poland
Russia (temporarly closed)
Thailand (ages 3+)
Ukraine

If you would like more information on adopting from these countries, I would be happy to share what I know.

Kelly