[saj]

I need to vent here where I know there will be someone who has already weathered this storm. This is my third adoption through the state, so I pretty much can handle all of that frustration and waiting.

My new little girl is 9 years old and emotionally handicapped. We are in the visitation stages.....have been now for over 4 weeks. I have known this little girl and her foster mom for 3 years. I have permission from the caseworker to visit and even take her to my home, but she may not spend the night. I also see her at school on a regular basis. (We have lunch...I read with her and give her behavior support.) I am really bonding with this child just like she is my own already. She is one of those needy little ones who attach to anyone who shows her any attention at all. For three years I have been able to maintain a professional relationship with her.

Here is my problem: I feel like the foster mom is trying to sabbatoge my relationship with this child. I have tried to be very open with her. I even encouraged her to adopt....I mean she's had her for three years. Before I got involved emotionally in this, I believed that would be the best placement for her. The foster mom swears she has no intention of adopting. I became involved only after I discovered she was going to be placed apart from her brother. I was encouraged to adopt by the foster mom, the teacher, and the therapist. It was the caseworker's suggestion that I begin visits to develop a closer relationship with her. However, they have not told her she is going to be adopted yet. Before I got involved they were going to advertise her on our local television station. Didn't they think she would get a clue? She knows I am her "mentor", but not her forever and a day mom. The foster mom makes the child earn visits from me. This is a child with abandonment issues, I am trying to let her know that I am there for her......good, bad or indifferent. We have made plans that have never come through. How can I build trust in this child if our plans for visits keep being taken away? I bought a gift....I know I should have asked first....after I gave it to her the foster mom said she couldn't keep it. I brought a gift for the brother, and he got to keep his. Foster mom said she had to earn it. I took it home. After the designated days of good behavior, we called FM to see if she could bring gift home. FM decided then that she didn't want the child to have the gift. In all my conversations with the fostermom....lately....she has not told me one good thing about this child. She only tells the bad. The worst thing is....I do not like the behavior management plan that exists in the foster home. It is called a theraputic home, but seems mostly punitive to me. Keep in mind, I thought it was okay before we decided to adopt her. She is not being hit or anything, there just doesn't seem to be any warmth or true nurturing going on. Is this a normal reaction in this situation? With my other two children, they were my own foster children, and while we did have the emotional roller coaster ride before they were free for adoption, they were at least in our happy home. I hate to put this kid on the bus at the end of the day.

[Peggy]

Even if the fostermom wants to have her fosterdaughter adopted, it is still a time of mixed emotions. Maybe the fostermom is telling you all the negatives, just to let you know, you are fully informed and won't back out. Even if you don't feel you want or need the Fostermom's advice, maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask her for it, so she feels she has a hand in the situation. I think once the plan is definite, and the visitation is part of the transition plan, with the social worker involved, there will be less cancellations. I took about half the classes to be considered a theraputic home, and I remember thinking some of the techniques seemed cold, or rigid.