[PaulaB]

I'm new to this (and any group). Here's a bit about our situation. We want to adopt a newborn and hope for an open adoption. We're willing to accept less contact if a birthmother isn't ready for it, but hope to have some family members that our child can know while growing up. We'd like a non-obvious adoption, but that doesn't mean only caucasian.
We've been "second choice" about 5~6 times since 4/01 . We did just have a close call, but found out that our facilitator wasn't candid with us or the birthfather. - we got dumped!
Now, here we are more than 2 years later and I don't know where to turn. Most families that are with our agency (that I've met) are not happy, our "facilitator" has proven ineffective, and just about every facilitator I've searched on the web wants $8~10K just to sign up. We spoke with someone locally. We feel she could help, but she wants $13K. I want to mortgage the house, pay and get on with it. My husband is immobilized. While he is looking forward to being a dad, he keeps looking at the $8K we've already spent and doesn't want to keep spending.
I'm exhaused and starting to loose hope.
BTW yes, I if its meant to happen it will, not before. No, I'm not giving up yet.

[mintshastagrape]

as a birthmom i think adoptions should be free all but medicals and the courts and the legals.
i am pregant and going to place.
its hard for birthmoms to find the right family for her baby.
it will happen for you. keep the faith.

[rosiedaffodil]

Hi Paula,
Whatever the reason its not happening for you as you planned. I am sure you knew there would be some problems along the way, but did not expect this. I think you are stuck in this situation because, if I may say, you won't "unstick" yourself. Why wait. Why not go to plan B.....C,D,E..... and adopt internationally. The situation has gone on so long because you have not moved forward. Perhaps this is not the road for you, and you are supposed to move onto something else. Especially if age is a factor. Money comes and goes. Just invest in a sure thing or the most stable you can and your money won't be wasted. Besides, there is a baby out there waiting for you! Just my two cents.
michelle

[mintshastagrape]

is international cheaper?

[PaulaB]

Thanks. It's nice to be heard. No, international isn't cheaper. Usually its more although it's faster, but then our child would probably not know medical history, or who their birthfamily is.

[mintshastagrape]

well if you want your child to know their birthfamily and medical then i guess open domestic is the way to go

[sherryk]

Hi there Paula! (and others who have posted here)

...a word of encouragement

Hang in there! I don't necessarily mean with your facilitator (that is only up to you) but with becoming a parent through adoption. It will happen.

...a word of advice (through experience)

Sometimes we need to go a different route then we first hoped for. By this, I mean, explore all your options. You know what would work best for you and your husband. Then give it the time that is needed. I always thought we would do international adoption...but we ended up doing fost/adopt (and I still was blessed with the child of my dreams beyond comprehension).

There are so many decisions and issues to consider with adoption. Sometimes you need to be more open, but then again, there are things that you know in your heart you need be firm about. For example, we knew that we only wanted one child that didn't have siblings (there are tons of kids with siblings in foster care) which we were firm about. We also didn't want to take on a child with a difficult medical condition (we already had three active bio children). Well, it turned out that we had our home study sent regarding a baby who was 10 weeks premature, exposed to drugs, and possibly had cerebral palsy. That baby is now my active three-year-old who does not have CP and you would never know she was a preemie!

Adoption is not an easy road. Emotions are all over the place. Just know we are here for you!

Warm regards,
sherryk
moderator

[mintshastagrape]

you need to do whats best for you and your family. if a birthmom comes along that doesnt want what you want then you can always tell her no and move on and find someone who does. adoption is not easy. as a birthmom its not easy choosing a family. but it will happen for you. god is control and he knows what child is ment to be a part of your family.

[PaulaB]

Its really great to be heard - and especially by various triad members. This forum is great. Even though all of our family and friends are are looking forward to our adoption, most haven't been triad members and don't really "get" all of the ups and downs. We're working on re-doing our web site so its easier to load and we're updating our Dear Birthmother letter with our latest pictures and things that are current. I'll just keep focusing on the day to day things.
Its hard to wait for things to happen in God's time rather than my own! I do know, in my heart, that there is a special child out there that we were meant to raise. I don't know if s/he has even been conceived yet. Somehow we'll find each other.
Thanks again for all of your support. Y'all make me smile

[mintshastagrape]

just keep the faith.

[mintshastagrape]

just keep the faith.
it will all work out.
good things come to those who wait.

[bennett]

pauia

if you did however go international

after h.s.
YOU would actually pick the sex and age of the child

say..china...thats about 12500k i think plus hs etc

guatemala with hs and everything is 24k

you can get help...there are plenty of ways financially

and time frame is 5-12 months , depending on where you go

check out the sites out there

you can use an agency in any city...

www.bbas.org is who i am using

wide horizens was my sister in laws and she was very

happy with them

there are plenty to choose from...

good luck

[FamilyBound]

Originally posted by sherryk
...a word of encouragement

Hang in there! I don't necessarily mean with your facilitator (that is only up to you) but with becoming a parent through adoption. It will happen.

...a word of advice (through experience)

Sometimes we need to go a different route then we first hoped for. By this, I mean, explore all your options. You know what would work best for you and your husband. Then give it the time that is needed. I always thought we would do international adoption...but we ended up doing fost/adopt (and I still was blessed with the child of my dreams beyond comprehension).

There are so many decisions and issues to consider with adoption. Sometimes you need to be more open, but then again, there are things that you know in your heart you need be firm about.

Adoption is not an easy road. Emotions are all over the place. Just know we are here for you!

Sherry has absolutely wonderful adviec and insight for you...

We did an international adoption for our first child and are now going through a private domestic adoption (we are just starting the waiting stage). International was quicker (we brought our son home in 7 months from the date we started) and it definitely wasn't less expensive but it was a wonderful experience.

Because of the current world situation, we are now doing a domestic adoption with a private agency. You do have to have a plan B, C, D and even a E. If one thing doesn't work, time to switch plans and shake things up to keep it going.

Your child is out there, you'll find the way to bring them home.

[mintshastagrape]

you can pick the sex and race in domestic adoptions but it will just take longer.

[DonnaLynn]

First I would say dont mortgage your home. It is security for the future.
It is so hard to wait. I am sorry you have had so long a wait and so ineffective help in your adoption.
I myself am a do'er I think the waiting the very hardest part.

I find the "labor pains" of adoption are many lessons in patience. Couples wishing to adopt have many reasons the first and foremost is being the desire to love, cherish, and raise a child.
They may or may not have children already, they can be rich , or somewhere less then that, but they all go through a lot to have a baby they can call their own.

The path there is complex and full of good people and yes, sadly some bad people. And the cost is in $$ and emotions.

The birthmother that places that baby is given such a very short time with her baby and a very long time without. Only months- from knowledge of pregancy-through the process of choosing parenting vs adoption-choosing adoptive parents-love-sorrow-acceptence-labor/delivery-loss-sorrow-pain-love-hope-acceptence... Then a life time of patience.. waiting for a photo or a letter to come-for a visit-or worst case for their baby to become 18 and want to find them.

Please dont give up.. Pray everyday for the woman who is your babys mother. That she will be blessed as she blesses you and share a life time of loving that precious baby together.

Wishing you the best,
DonnaLynn-Wishing to adopt as well