[corbin_calebs_mom]

My husband is in the process of adopting my 7 year old son. We have been together since my son was 3 weeks old, so my husband has always been daddy to him, (the biological father has never seen him or supported him at all and his rights have been legally terminated.) We are wondering if any one has advice on how and when to tell him that my husband is not his biological father.

[cromero79]

That is really tough. Fortunately, I know many people who have encountered this.My fiance is actually one of them. Pretty much the same situation. He found out when he was 16 years old. It crushed him. He became distant and resentful. Over time, all was understood and forgiven but for a while he felt betrayed, as if his entire life was a lie. I dont mean to tell you all of this to scare you, because truthfully everyone is different. But, in my experience, I believe the earlier the better. Maybe 10. I wouldnt wait til puberty hits. I will have to go thru the same thing with my daughter who is 4 one day. I too am not looking forward to it. Just know no matter what, he will, after the initial shock wears off, still love you both and may respect you more. Granted, the pure hate they will feel for the absent one is out of our control. If you are Christian, pray about it. I will for you to give you guidance.

[NJNative]

and since you haven't, you should tell him immediately. I don't think you can ever tell a child that information TOO early. But by 7, he's certainly old enough to understand it, and might even want to celebrate it with you.

Good luck.

Robin

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I have a neice who is almost 10 and still doesn't know that my brother is not her father. This led to a HORRIBLE blood bath when he divorced a year ago. Some how they were still able to keep the "secret". Sad thing is her older brothers and sister...all the family as a matter of fact...already know and are keeping it from her. At this point it is the parents who are scared to tell her. My worry is that she will feel like she is some big dirty secret when she finally does find out the truth. I would agree that the sooner the better. With blended families these days being the norm, it will be a better relief for YOU to know you aren't having to keep a secret.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Please do it NOW. Anyone who hasn't yet. The longer you wait and the older they are, the more upsetting it will be and the greater potential for HUGE issues with trust and betrayal at being lied to by her own family- being the only one in the dark about something that's HIS/HER information, HIS/HER life story. Please don't put it off one day longer. Do it yesterday. Just start the conversation now in an age-appropriate way and give it their whole childhood to play out. But don't withhold basic truth or fundamental facts.

Just read the stories on the Late Discovery threads, and other threads, in the Adoptee section to see what it does to the adoptee to be told anytime time other than early childhood.

[InBlindFaith]

Tell him his Daddy has so much love in his heart for him he wanted to be his real Daddy.

That is what I explained to my youngest DD when she asked why DH wanted to adopt her. She understood that and from that day on she called my DH "Daddy" and she will correct anyone who refers to him by name in front of her.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I think what scares a lot of parents from just being honest with the kids from the beginning in stepparent adoptions, is that there is often some sort of unpleasant backstory. Naturally excepting the cases where the parent has died, it's not unusual for there to be a painful personal history behind the reasons why the absent parent abdicated their opportunity and responsibilty to parent the child, along with significant reasons why the biological parents' relationship with each other dissolved as well. It can be very difficult to separate the child's simple biological truth from the parents' painful past which the active parent might rather leave behind and not have to remember at all, much less live with.

But it needs to be done because the child is the one left out and lied to when the parents try to suppress, or postpone the truth. There needs to be the acknowledgment that the child's story is their story, even if it's one the parents don't like to admit or remember.

I don't mean every gory detail at once. I just mean to start with the simple biological truth, and then over time as the child grows, they can come to understand in more detail at age-appropriate times.

I'm the adoptive stepparent in our home and the details and truths behind why my son wasn't parented by his birthmother are not pretty, easy, or simple. So there were many things that he did not learn until he was 18 and expressed an interest in contacting her, at which time we gave him his whole story, including the things that we would not have wanted him to know as he was growing and developing a sense of self and security. But he always knew that he was born to another woman who was not me, and along the way we answered every question he had as positively and truthfully as we could.

I remember how hard it was for my hubby to separate HIS past that he wanted to forget, from HIS SON'S history, which was rightfully his (son's). I know it's hard. But even children, actually especially children, have the right to be told the truth by the people who are charged with caring for their hearts and minds and shouldn't have to face the heartache of feeling like the one fool in the family who didn't know.

InBlindFaith suggested a great place to start!

We told our son that there were different ways of being a mom: biologically, legally and everyday parenting. We explained that since I was the everyday mom, we wanted the legal reality to be the same as the everyday reality, so we would ask the court to declare me his legal mother, which either way would have no effect on me being the everyday mom or her being the biological mom.

God bless!

[ocracoke]

Be honest now! Tell the children in a way that is age appropriate but still tell them. It may be difficult but so important. It may not feel like it to you but for them to find out as a teen or an adult will make them feel like they have been lied to by the people they are suppose to be able to trust. Keeping this secret is not protecting the relationship it is just laying the groundwork to potentially destroy one later in life. Be honest with your children.

Samantha

[happilymom]

My children have been so much more relaxed and understanding since we explained our situation to them. We have a long story, so I won't subject you to it, but their bio-mom was in and out of their lives from day 1. I came in at age 5 and 7, and took over from their paternal grandma the day to day "mom" stuff. We struggled with all the "junk" for a year until Bio-mom decided that she was moving on, (at least financially) from my daughters. She was preg with her 4th child, almost divorced from her 2nd husband, and couldn't pretend that she could really bother with ours anymore. [I do want to say that my sister and my mother are both bio-moms, so I am not knocking bio-moms!] She had cancelled the last 3 months of visits with our girls for her own reasons, but had not bothered to tell us until the last possible minute every time!! The girls and I would wait in a parking lot, them guessing that THIS car MUST be hers, for an hour after she was to pick them up! I can't tell you how many tears I have cried for my sweet forgiving girls who have actually said that she must have really tough stuff going on to miss their time together! In January we recieved the biggest blow, she was done! She asked my DH if I would adopt, because she couldn't do it anymore. We are a family now, more than before, because we don't have this stress in our life. We have explained our situation to our daughters in a way that works for all of us. We are big on honesty, and whenever we are open with our kids, they flower with questions and concerns they have. That is GOOD! A big point of being a family is that you can be safe and secure and trust them more than anyone else! My kids know that she will always be bio-mom, but I am Mom. Relax, and trust your child to trust you, but above all, do it now! If you bottle up your emotions, your kids will feel that and stress too! Good Luck!

[jaenelle]

PLEASE tell him immediately. My only question is... why didn't you tell him from the very beginning? Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of, but some adoptive parents keep acting like it is. Until this attitude changes, it will still be viewed by mainstream society as "less" than biological parenting. You've already done your son a great disservice by waiting this long... please don't wait any longer.