[Anara]

Hello,
I am a step mom to two kids; D an 8yr old boy and K a 7 yr old girl. Their mom and dad have been split since April of 2002. I met their dad in June 2002 and they came to 'visit' for 2 weeks in August (3&4yrs old)and we've had them since other than 5 times they have gone to see her. They have seen her less than once a year since 2003. She calls irratically, sometimes a couple times a week, then we go months without hearing from her.
Her lifestyle is scary. She is a drug-user and a 'couch hopper'. She has not had her own home since she left my husband. She has worked only a month or two of that whole time. She bounces from man to man and they are often very abusive. When she is not 'involved' she stays with her dad in which ever weekly rate motel he is in.
The few times the kids have gone to see her were when she was in a relatively stable environment and we had 'watchers' in place that would call us and rescue the kids until we could get there. When they pulled up to our house the last time we found the kids asleep, in the back(cargo area) of an SUV, NO CAR SEATS OR SEAT BELTS!! This was a 4 hour drive in a snowstorm on icy roads. I lost it and had to remove myself to the back room of the house until she left. My husband read her the riot act and she hasn't asked to see them since. That was Feb. 2005.
The divorce gives joint legal and physical custody with my husband having primary physical custody.
I love the kids as my own now, and we are a family. No one speaks ill of her to them and we do our best to answer their questions about her honestly and in the best light possible. We don't lie to them, but we also don't share any 'dirty details'. For now all they know is they can't go see her because she doesn't have a house for them to stay at.
They call me mom by their own choice. But still my greatest wish(having lost a parent at a young age) is for her to be a regular healthy part of their lives. I believe that the parent-child bond is a very special and important thing and have no wish to break that...she has done that enough herself. I don't want to 'take her kids away' out of spite or malice. But I really do believe that it is NOT in their best interest(safety and welfare) to be in her 'care' the way she is now. The thought of the situations they could be put in with her TERRIFIES ME.
Legally though, she does have 'visitation' rights, everyother weekend and holidays, that sort of thing. And if we told her 'no' it would be a class D felony, and then not look good in court.
My husband and I are married and have a great relationship. He is 'on his way up' at a good job and also just became an EMT and rides the county ambulance. D & K now have a 2 1/2 yr old brother and they are all very close. I do the stay at home mom thing. We have a nice house, good food on the table, and I believe I can say they are pretty happy healthy kids. D has some fairly serious learning disablilities due to drug exposure in utero and both of them have speech problems and other delays due to neglect early on. But, they have come a long way and we've gotten them a lot of support and services. K is now deemed 'normal' and no longer requires an IEP, other than SLT. Never thought I'd be happy to hear my kid was 'normal'
So, my question to those of you who deal with this sort of thing: How likely and how easy(limited finances) will it be to get full custody? My husband wants me to adopt them, but I'm still holding out some hope for her getting her act together someday. I've read some on legal guardianship, maybe that would be a better idea.
Any advice or words of wisdom from the legal side, to the part of answering the kids questions would be greatly appreciated. My daughter is 7 and very sharp and I know the big hard questions are coming that can't be answered with the general answers we've used so far.
Anyways, take care and be well. ~Anara

[stepadoptionblog]

First of all how much of her drug use is documented? Has she been arrested,in rehab, and/or did the children test positive at birth for drug use? Getting full custody can be an extremely hard fight, especially when some states are very pro-mom regardless of what her lifestyle is. Does she have any fixed address at all?

The first thing that you need to do is to build your case up. Keep phone records, as well as a record of when she visits with the kids, and for how long. You will have to be able to prove to the courts that she is without a doubt, unstable, and that can be a very hard thing to do. If she has yet to be in rehab, perhaps your husband could suggest to her that she go.

What you can also do, instead of going for full custody, is ask that her visits be supervised. You will still have to prove that she is unstable, but it is often easier than obtaining full custody. She will have to set her visits up through a court appointed supervisor, and pay for each visit that has to be supervised. This 'system' tends to work well with weeding out drg addicted parents, as they would sadly rather spend money on drugs than visits with kids. Many times parents make 2-3 visits and fall off the face of the planet though, so be prepared to answer some confused and sad children.....at least a little more than you already have to.

It truly sounds as though you want what is best for the children, and that is wonderful! Many parents get caught up in the 'who is the better parent' game, and forget that it is about the kids, not the adults. Start gathering your evidence, offer the mom some minimal help, so that when you go to court you can say that you have tried everything, yet the situation continues to remain unstable. You can even try going to court requesting supervised visitation once she completes a drug rehab program, and takes random drug tests, OR full custody if she refuses rehab. That way it is more her choice, and if she really is an addict, she isn't going to want rehab, and if she does choose rehab, then she has a good chance of getting herself cleaned up and back on track with her kids and being a good mom, so not too much to loose there!

Begin to document everything so that you have a good log when it comes time to go to court!


http://stepparent.adoptionblogs.com/

[Anara]

Thanks for the advice I wish I had already been documenting...oh, well. As far as rehab goes, she was offered rehab by the courts in order to have a chance at keeping a baby that she gave birth to that tested positive...she decided against it. So that should all be a part of the state record. I have also kept receipts of all of the money we have ever sent her. We also rented her a place for a month with the only stipulation being that she get a job. She went looking one day, sat on her butt for the next 2 weeks, then moved out, got the rest of the money back(how I don't know) and split town without saying a word to the kids. I could go on and on, but you probably already know the general story.

Thanks again for your advice Take care ~Anara

[Mared2chuck]

If she tested positive and refused rehab to keep her child it is all a matter of record... What happened to the child was it placed in foster care or with relatives? I am in a situation in which I have my nephew due to his Mom testing positive when he was born (so did he). He was placed in emergency custody and then placed in fostercare. He was there for 4.5 months before I gained custody of him (he was in another state). It is all a matter of record. If she refused help that is a strong indicator that she is still using. She may retain visitation but only under supervision which she would have to pay for... Most states are somewhat pro mom but not if there is ongoing drug abuse. I would check into it to be sure. I wish you the best of luck.