[mrschief252]

Hello,
I am brand new to this web site and was wondering if anyone could possibly lend some advice, stories, cautions and experiences.
My husband and I are currently in the Mapp training for a foster-to-adopt adoption. We are having trouble with which age we should go for. Family and friends say " wait for an infant, you've waited this long whats a little while more", the state adoption people say to adopt an older child because there is not a lot of younger ones. In a nut shell I am afraid to adopt over the age of 3 due to the issues that may acompany the children. Does anyone have any thing that might either support my concearns or help ease them?? Please
Mrschief252@yahoo.com

[Peggy]

all foster to adopt will have issues. You can go a little older, and have the advantage of maybe having a clearer idea of what the issues are. Children in the system often act younger than they are...So if you want a 3 year old, you could put down 4, and basically not miss much. Ultimately it is what you want. I adopted an 8 year old, because of my age...(early 40's), and because it bothered me that past 6 is considered "unadoptable or hard to place"

[Tam]

go with your gut feelings on this. I felt the same way as you do. Our profile stated that we would only adopt a child 4 or under.

Yes, it was a VERY long wait (4 years), but we knew what we wanted and were willing to wait for it. Our son was placed with us this June 2 months before his 3rd birthday. And yes he acted more like a child at least a year younger. He's improving by leaps and bounds now.

Yes I'm glad we waited for what we wanted. He's a blessing.

Tam

[carolinec]

i guess it depends on which area office you work with. we ahev never been empty in over a year, and take in only kids under 3 (but with special needs) our last 2 were placed for adoption. We are adopting a girl we got a week before her 2nd birthday, and the last baby was 2 months old when she was adopted by a family in NH ( 8000 adoption fees because she was thro a private agency...not dss at all) otherwsie we would have adopted her too.

My feeling is as long as you know what you want, all "dss" kids have issues, whether they are 2 or 6. We take in the kids dss can't place, and contract out to our agency to find homes. My suggestion is you can raise your age limit, and foster kids of any age youchoose, but it doesn't mean you have to adopt them if it's not a fit for your family.

[DianeS]

You shouldn't ever accept a child into your home to love and care for without already having decided that the child you take in is exactly what you want. That is, it isn't fair to take an 8 year old if every time you look at her you think "You'd be perfect if only you were younger".

I'm not saying that's what you'd do - not at all. I'm just saying you do need to go with your own preferences and not the preferences of others - neither the preferences of your social worker nor the preferences of your family and friends matter nearly as much as your own. Don't let either side bully you or pressure you or threaten you. You know what's best for you.

Now, the practical side. Your worker is probably right that if you choose an older child you could have one placed with you faster. So you do have to take that into consideration (do you want a child, like, yesterday!, or are you fine waiting a long time?).

And, still practical, how excited do you want your friends and family to be? And how supportive? If you need a certain reaction from them in order to feel like a true family, then you'll need to take that into consideration.

On the "issues" issue, consider that the care a child receives in utero and during the first years of life can affect the child dramatically even if the results don't show for years. A child you adopted at 1 or 2 could have the same issues you see in a child who is 5 or 6 - its just the younger child hasn't been in a situation where the problem presents itself (like a learning disability that won't show until formal schooling starts). Of course by then you have the advantage of knowing the child, and that's what a lot of parents like yourselves are banking on.

ALL children who have been removed from their parents' care because of abuse or neglect will have issues. As long as you know that your loving and stable home cannot undo all the damage that has already been done, and you're OK with dealing with whatever the results of the damage are whenever they appear, then you should be fine with a younger child.

Personally, I will not take a young child whose prenatal and early care is unknown. Drug or alcohol use can have a profound impact on the child, but that impact may not show up for years. I, personally, choose to adopt older children when the extent of any damage done to them is showing much more obviously. Makes my decisions about what I can and can't handle easier, because the behavior is already there. Of course there is the added danger of the child having been a victim of *ongoing* abuse, but I still feel the fact the child is older and already displaying a well-formed personality can let me know what I'm in for.

So, there are pros and cons of each. If your heart is set on a baby or toddler or preschooler, then that's fine and that's what you should keep yourself available for.

In the meantime, I'll advise that you continue your research into the types of issues that any child in foster care can have, regardless of age. "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child", both by Keck and Kupecky are great, especially if you choose slightly older children. "A Child's Journey Through Placement" is wonderful to show you the types of things even young children have had to go though to end up in foster care. And "Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" is one that comes highly recommended from those who have adopted in that age range - I've ordered it but haven't read it yet. All of these books will give you a good background to use to help any child you choose to adopt.

Good luck!