[Cuervas]

I was just recently licensed as a foster home looking to eventually adopt. I have not yet received a placement yet. What do most foster parents have foster children call them (Mom/Dad?, by first name?)? Given that any placement will start as a foster situation that may only be temporary, it would probably be awkward for the foster child to say Mom/Dad to the foster parents. I am sure this question has been asked in the past, but I was unable to find any similar posts in the archives.

[meshsgrl]

I was curious about the same thing... I finally decided that kids could call me whatever they wanted as long as it wasnt rude. I have had kids who called my MIL (who lives next door) mom, simply because everyone else does too. I dont think kids will call you mom or dad if there are no are no other kids in the house, but I found they often prefer to call you some version of your name. Then again maybe that only applies to me since my name can be hard for kids to pronounce properly.

[Sam-N-Tony]

It really all depends on the age of the children you are getting. The younger ones tend to call you Mama, Papa, Dada things like that. My previous foster son that was 7 called me Sam. On a couple of occasions he called me Mom but he has a mother and I wasn't trying to replace her. Some people prefer to be called Ms. __ or Mr. or Nana. Auntie seems popular. It will all fall into place when you get a child. I tend to see Ms. and Mr. only when they are a foster only or the children are older or the parents are older. You might find a 4 or 10 yr old will automatically call you Mom/Dad.

It will works itself out. Ultimately it's the age that you get.

[buttascotchbaby]

Here in Hawai'i just about every woman is "auntie" and every man "uncle". So, usually I start out with that. I have a bio son who (of course!) calls me "mom", so usually my younger ones end up calling me "mom". I feel (and have been backed up by SWs and therapist) it is more detrimental to the kiddo to say "no! I am not mom, you have to call me "X"". I have been told that it is very common for foster kids to call FPs mom and dad. Of course this can REALLY upset bio parents sometimes... but that is a whole other story.

My older kids who I am in the process of adopting were 4 and 9 when placed and are now 6 & 12. My son who is the older one, asked if he could call me "mom" pretty early on -I think he was more aware of being "different" at school, with friends, etc., and really wanted that family and stability. My daughter didn't see the stigma as much as her brother and called me "auntie" up until the last 6 months or so. Her brother would often try to get her to call me "mom" and I would stop him and tell him whatever she was comfortable with was totally fine with me.

My "baby" was placed with me at 4 months and is now 2.5 y.o. she has been calling me "mom", "mommy", etc., all along. She has had visits with her bio parents all along and we are almost at complete reunification and she will call both of us "mom". This really upsets her bio mom (which I understand) and when the bio parents have her for their visits I know they are drumming into her "she is NOT mom, she is Auntie J", which we have tried to explain to them is the wrong thing to do. Kids have a great capacity for love and at that age it simply is not a big deal to have 2 moms It is sad to see her come home and when we are saying goodbye to the bio parents she may call me "auntie J" but as soon as they are gone it is "Hi mommy!"

[One_Happy_Momma]

My foster kids could call me whatever was comfortable, as long as it was respectul and I had a 7 yo fs who wanted to call me mom.

His mother got really upset that her son would call me mom. I told her that "mom" was short for foster mom, but he could call me by my name or foster mom if she wasn't comfortable with the idea of him calling me mom. I wasn't his teacher for him to call me Ms. ___, and to have him call me aunt will be to encourage lying.

When mom told my fs not to call me mom, he replied by telling her that I was doing all the things that she was supposed to do and that when they were back together he will call her mom again, he referred to her as his other mom and me as "mom" until they RU.

Oh, and when he would go to court, he always asked the judge to speak with him in private so no one will interrup him.

[greenrobin]

My biggest worry is for those kids who want to call you mom right away. Major red flag!

But, for the most part, I intoduce myself by my first name and let it go. I never feel like I need to tell them what to call me. It usually takes a while before the kids feel comfortable calling you anything at all.

My first fk called dh by his first name, but called me Mrs. K--she was a former student of mine. The littles have always come around to some form of mom--they need that. The kids we have now call their biomom by her first name when talking to her and sometimes "my mama" when talking about her. To differentiate, they call me mommy.

My advice is to just relax and let the kids decide. It gives them a little feeling of control.

[circap]

When our first placement arrived, we didn't know what to do about this either...so we introduced ourselves to them by our first names and allowed them to decide what they wanted to call us. Since we have quite a few nieces and nephews around our house all the time, it quickly became aunt and uncle like the others. The oldest wanted to call us mom and dad but the middle child would set him straight very quickly. At 4, she had already been a little mother for way too long.

When they left our home to move to an adoptive placement, I talked to her about the family being her forever family and that she should think of her new mom as mom once she was comfortable.

[buttascotchbaby]

Originally Posted by One_Happy_Momma

to have him call me aunt will be to encourage lying.

whoo boy! We have a phrase here: "Lucky we live Hawai'i!" and that comment made me think of it and feel more than usual I know that things are very different here than the mainland, more laid back, more multi cultural and accepting, etc., but sometimes on these forums it really hits me just HOW different (not better or worse, just different!) it is. In Hawai'i (I guess it is a cultural thing; a sense of family and connection that is uniquely Polynesian?) it is a term of respect to call one's elders "Auntie" and/or "Uncle". Even most of our social workers, CPS Aids, my kids' therapist, etc., are all "Auntie" So-And-So!

**ABSOLUTELY no disrespect meant to OneHappyMomma What makes us different makes us special and the world a wonderful place **

[Cuervas]

Thank you all for your responses. Everyone here has confirmed what I had suspected. That is to say "aunt/uncle" or otherwise let it work itself out and let the children figure it out based on their comfort level. I can really understand how bio parents would be upset about the use of mom/dad, but that should help motivate them one would think.

[allGodschildren]

It took my foster sons about 2 days to start calling me mom. They were just turning 3 and 5 at the time. What got me...as soon as my husband walked through the door and met them for the first time he was daddy!
It was so funny because my fs are both white, as am I, and my husband is black. Proof that children really don't see color! As far as bio mom, she was Moma --- and I was Moma --- when we were around her or talking about her. Lately, my younger fs has been calling me by my name sometimes. I have had a fd who only stayed for a month. She was eleven and asked me after a couple of days if she could call me mom! Wow!
The kids know what they're a comfortable with and shouldn't be made to call you mom/dad. Let it be up to them!

[waitingtobeamom]

We started out calling ourselves by our first names but within the first day it had gone to mom and dad because that's what the girls started calling us. Then we would refer to ourselves and Mommy_________ and Daddy________. It is now just mom and dad. Although once weekend visits started with birthmom the girls began mixing in our first names again. We just let us call them whatever they are comfortable with. We don't have a problem with either one. After all, whether bps like it or not we are the mom and dad of the house where they are living.

[Wendy645]

Originally Posted by buttascotchbaby

whoo boy! We have a phrase here: "Lucky we live Hawai'i!" and that comment made me think of it and feel more than usual I know that things are very different here than the mainland, more laid back, more multi cultural and accepting, etc., but sometimes on these forums it really hits me just HOW different (not better or worse, just different!) it is. In Hawai'i (I guess it is a cultural thing; a sense of family and connection that is uniquely Polynesian?) it is a term of respect to call one's elders "Auntie" and/or "Uncle". Even most of our social workers, CPS Aids, my kids' therapist, etc., are all "Auntie" So-And-So!

**ABSOLUTELY no disrespect meant to OneHappyMomma What makes us different makes us special and the world a wonderful place **

It's like that in my town in Arizona, too. We have a big Navajo population here and it has the same auntie/uncle cultural thing, so when I read your first post about it I was like, "Oh yeah, of course!". But you're right, it really does help show how different things are in different places :-)

[mmhjdh]

The whole mom and dad issue is such a touchy one. I am going through it right now for the second time. I have 2 foster children both 2 yrs old, having my own 2 kids it comes rather quickly that they call us mom and dad.

I just still have not figured out the best way to deal with the biomom because she is very upset about this. Anyone have a clue what is best to tell her?