[Tudu]

Our worker called today and told me about a group of 5 girls and a boy in my state. No aggressive behaviors, no history of abuse, and no attachment issues. Their parents are unable to care for them due to their low IQs and constant financial instability. TPR happened last Monday so we have 3 weeks for them to appeal, they have told the worker they accept what is happening and are devastated. They are very attached to their parents and foster parents. The children are separated 3/3, both sets of FP are straight foster and do not adopt. No one has told the children they have TPR adn are looking for an adoptive placement, so the transition will be slow and only after the tiem for appeal passes.
We have been selected and are now awaiting the children's files and a staffing. I can't believe it!
Any advice? I have been trying to lead with my head and not my heart, it is hard. Please help keep me grounded.

[mom2GRLC]

What a wonderful blessing and challenge.

When we first began the classes of foster/adopt we found a sibling group of 5 girls that we just feel in love with on a waiting children website. I really hoped they would be ours, but it wasn't meant to be. We couldn't ask any questions about them or meet them or anything until we were complettely adone with our training and approved, by the time that came the group of girls were all adopted...hopefully to one family, but I'm not sure.

I really believe it would have been a true blessing, but at the same time a little overwhelming to think about. But god had other plans for us and now we have adopted 3 and are on our 4th right now. So our big family is coming together....just differently than i had originally hoped....but I wouldn't change anything!!!!

I hope this works out for your family, I love to see big sibling groups remain together.

Call me crazy but if i got that call...even with all my other kids I have now,,,,I would probably have to seriously consider it.

[crick]

Big group!!! Hope you get a membership at a warehouse grocery store if you don't have one...lol.

Some things to ask about and review in their files...

How long have the kids been in foster care?

Do they visit with each other since not living together? How often? Does it go well? Do they discuss anything about their siblings with their foster parents that you need to know about? (i.e. scared at all, anger etc.)

I would really do some looking into the sibling relationships and how that is with all of them.
(parentified issues, control, etc.)

How old are the kids? Will your daughter be the youngest or in between etc.?

I'm glad they are working on a slow transition considering the fact that the children do not know they are not returning to their parents. That is a big step and they will need to be able to grieve over that before being told they are being adopted. (JMO..)

Keep us posted!

[lambeausam]

Once you get to the transition point, I would suggest not having all six move in on the same day. It might help to have one group of three that are living together move in first while still visiting with the other set. Let them settle in and then move the other set.

Good luck!

Sam

[mom2GRLC]

oh man...now you've done it!!!! =0)

After responding to your post you got me curious to see what sibling groups are out their waiting.....I instantly fell in love with a sibling group of 3!!!! =0(

Only, there is no way we would actually even be considered as a placement for them right now...because our foster son is coming up for adoption soon....and we hope to adopt him....can't do two at once!!!!! urg!!! Plus we wouldn't be able to afford it right now either...and a bunch of other reasons.......urgg why did I even look =0(

Now I can't get them out of my head. =0) they were so cute!!!! Love at first sight kind of thing!!!

[Tudu]

Thank you all for your support, we are sooooo excited. Our worker, her supervisor and I agree this group has what we hoped for (given the info already received).

They have not been tossed around, the older ones went back to the same foster home fromthe first time they were in care. They didn't have room for the younger ones and they have remained in their home.

The kids are twin girls-4, boy 5, girls 7,8,9. My daughter is 4. They are all good with kids and adults. The eldest is protective of the youngest (she has CP) and tends to take care of her. They do not feel it is a serious issue.

Crick-Yes, we have a membership!

Keep them coming, you are really helping me think through this.

[Tudu]

Ok, I have spent the last 2 days waiting to hear from my worker, she needed to contact the other worker to confirm we are interested and wish to proceed. I have checked my computer every few minutes for an update and nearly worn a path in my new carpet. I understand their time frame is not urgent, but I have not slept! I called my worker and explained if we didn't confirm soon I would need to be hospitalized to remove the butterflies from my stomach so I could sleep. She laughed and promised to call me so I could remove the chain shackling me to the computer. They have been playing phone tag, but a message with our wish was left on her voice mail. Our worker received a msg last night confirming she received the msg and she will try to contact her today to work out details.

As soon as I hear that they have talked I should relax right? I need medication, what do they prescribe for Adoption Disorder? I don't know how I am going to deal with this.

[musemoon]

Hey Rachel it's Lorie I just read your thread...I swear I didn't mean that to rhyme. Hang in there....this is so so exciting. How fun :-) I am just thinking happy happy thoughts for you :-)

[Hadley2]

It sounds very exciting and if you are a big-family person could well be the road to joy.

A cautionary note, however. There is a big difference between instant big family and one that grows over time, giving parents and kids a chance to bond one at a time and "ramp up" to the numbers.

We have friends who wanted to adopt to complete their family of three as a family of four. Looking for a little sister for their daughter, they fell in love with a sibling group of three. The oldest was just slightly younger than their daughter and the rest were younger, so strictly speaking her birth order as the first in the family remained intact.

Still, the family was totally overwhelmed by the immediate and ongoing needs of the three. By circumstance and the necessity of constant crisis, their first daughter was consistently shunted aside, left to her own resources, etc. She was seven when her sisters came and is 14 now.

Her parents have really worked hard to recognize and meet the needs of all four children. Luckily for their first daughter, she is an independent-minded young girl, intelligent and self-starting. Her parents also recognized that she needed her own physical space--her own room--apart from the sisters and they worked hard to ensure that her education--from home schooling to public school to distance learning to different combinations--fit her learning style and that she was able to continue some of the activities that were special to her.

Still, it has been a tough road for her emotionally. The sisters had many more issues, some of which were acted out on her, than the agency had led the parents to believe. It is almost as if there are three families in one--the original family of three, the parents and the sibling group, and the family of six. The first daughter loves her sisters but maintains a clear emotional and social distance, not out of ill intentions but out of a sense of survival. For their part, they are still clearly a group of three with their "big sister" as an extra in their show.

I don't mean to sound bleak, just that this matter of overwhelming the original child needs to be thought through and planned for very carefully. In your case, your dd will be tripling to an extent with the other youngest, one of whom has a special connection to big sister. How will dd fit into that dynamic?

I'd consider bringing the youngest in by themselves first so that the three 4 y.o.'s can get their relationship established and bonding started, then maybe the oldest so that she will join her little sisters as a group and may be able to expand her connection to her bio sisters to include her new little sister.

Another reason I think this situation became so overwhelming was because the parents were/are so very focused on doing everything "right" for the adopted children, getting a perfect program from the school perfectly executed, perfect therapists, perfect everything, --creating more of a social service project than a family. Sometimes the external things only need to be good enough so that more attention can be paid to bonding and building the relational foundations these kids need more than IEPs.

Anyway, and I guess I might be in the minority here, but I think we all have to think about the needs of the children we actually--our first obligation is to them--and assess the affect of the changes to them--how they feel about their place with us, within the family, about themselves, etc.--carefully and plan for them. In our own situation, given this experience of our friends', I have given myself the rule that while I expect my first children to build character and become stronger people, I do not want them to suffer actual life damage.

Given how much I've rambled, clearly these ideas are still a work in progress in my head. I'll be reading to see how things go and hope this adventure brings real joy to your family.

[Tudu]

Still no call!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Hadley - I appreciate and understand everything you said. We are trying to take all those things into consideration. We are hoping to move the younger children in first and are worried how she will fit in. I am trying to absorb everyone's thoughts and ideas to make this as smooth as possible. I have no problem with imperfection, our priority is bonding and attachment. We talk constantly through our day about how things are going to be different withthe children here. What she can expect and look for as far as behaviors go, how she can help, we have planned for private time with each child and smaller groups, etc.
I am open to any suggestions!

[Tudu]

My worker called!!!! The workers spoke to each other and it is confirmed, we are it!!!! They are to speak on Tuesday about the details on how the county wants to work this. We have 2 weeks left for the parents to appeal and placement won't occur before then.

So I am off to WAIT some more. I am starting to get this, wait for classes to start, wait for homestudy visits, wait for aproval, wait for match, wait for placement. This is some kind of torture! It is almost paralyzing. I have so much to do b/c I spent the entire week waiting by the phone and computer afraid I would miss the call. Now I get to spend the weekend painting and organizing closets. Yeah!

[DianeScraps]

THREE four year old girls in one house? Oh my!

Are they religious? that may be a good thing to use to bring everyone together, if not sports, activities, etc

Diane

Originally Posted by Tudu

The kids are twin girls-4, boy 5, girls 7,8,9. My daughter is 4. They are all good with kids and adults. The eldest is protective of the youngest (she has CP) and tends to take care of her. They do not feel it is a serious issue.

[mab_123]

Congrats and Good luck with everything. What an exciting time.

[surfmama]

I sent you a pm, but wanted to also say...

Congratulations!

[Tudu]

Thank you! I slept well for the first time since I got the call.

I am pretty active in our church and have prepared the Director of Relgious Education for our arrival in a few weeks. I have been trying to think of other activities for us to do with them that are interactive and CHEAP. We love to camp and hope they do to. Any other ideas? Weekends and summers are long w/o something to do.