[countryparents]

Hi. We are new foster/adoptive parents. We are so blessed to have been chosen as parents for a beautiful 3 yr old girl. Transition visits began the beginning of Aug and she has been doing wonderful. She is staying with a wonderful couple who has had her for over 21 months. Our question is "When do we tell her she is going to be living with us?" Do we tell her that we are going to be her mommy and daddy? Both her family she is with now and my husband and I have these questions. She is throwing fits when she has to leave our house to go back with the other couple. She does really well, but seems confused. What is the best way to handle this? Our worker tells us to basically just go with the flow. Any thoughts?
THanks.

[mominiowa]

Hi! Congratulations on our new addition to our family. My husband and I have been in this situation before. We have a little girl who is almost 6 years old now. We were chosen to be her parents when she was 15 months old. We did visits with her for 2 months, before she came to live with us. She was young enough that we didn't have a problem with the transition.
We did have two little girls we did foster care for. We had them for 14 months and they were 1 and 3 years old when they came to live with us. We helped pick the family that would adopt them and did most of the transition visits ourself. The foster parents and social worker need to tell the little girl what is going on. They need to inform her that they have found her a forever family and that they are going to adopt her. The little girl feels save with them, so they need to be involve with the visits and explaining this to the little girl. 3 year olds know a lot more then you think.
Once the foster parents or social worker tells the little girl you will be her forever parents, then I would have her start calling you Mommy "Jane" and Daddy "John". It is easy for the child if you don't confuse them with two sets of Mommies and Daddies. Just add our first name onto the end of mommy and daddy. Then after a month or so let her know she can just call you mom and dad.
I hope this helps.

Good Luck with the new family!

Jill

[countryparents]

Thanks so much Jill. Sounds like you have a beautiful family. We really appreciate your input!!! Have a great day!

[sinesadopt]

We had a little girl just placed with us and she will be 2 at the end of the month. She had been with the same foster mom since she was about a week old. We began visits the first weekend in July and at that visit we brought a small photo album with pictures of my husband and I and our son and our extended family and friends. Our little girl's foster mom was absolutely wonderful, she would sit down with her and look at the pictures and explain that T was Daddy and C was Mommy and Caleb was brother. She would also prepare her for visits and overnights. We signed the placement papers on Friday, just a little over a month after we began visits as she was doing so well with the transition and was crying when we took her back saying that she wanted to go home. I think that the foster parents and social worker should be helping the child to understand and would recommend doing a photo album that the child can look at.

Good luck.

[countryparents]

Thanks. We have already done the photo album. She had that before her first visit at our home. She was so excited to meet our two dogs and one cat. In fact, the second time we had her out with us, she kept saying she wanted to go to our house. So we went. She also wanted to sit in the tractor each time, but didn't want to turn it on. After 3 visits sitting in the tractor, the fourth visit she wanted to take a ride in it. Our only frustration is telling her about the adoption. Our worker hasn't told her and the couple she is with doesn't know what is the best way to tell her.... So, I have been seeking out advice. Thanks for your response. We appreciate the messages.

[countryparents]

Thanks to those who replied. I ended up writing a story for her that fit her situtation. We sat altogether and read it to her with her foster parents. She ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! She wanted us to read it again and again. She now refers to it as her love book. She has already moved in, is calling us mom and dad, and is doing great!

[mominiowa]

Sounds like our family is doing great. That was a good idea, writing a book about her situtation. Keep us informed on how things are going in the future.
Congratulations!