[pedpets]

I apologize for this post being so long. But I feel that you need to know everything in order to give me an accurate opinion/response.

We received our children through DHS (our son 4 yr. ago, then our daughter, his half-sib, 1 yr. later) (We have baby 3 & 4 out of 5 children, #1 is with bgrandparents, #2 is placed in out-of-family adoption, #5 is w/his bfather.). Through mediation w/bmom on our son we agreed to send pics and updates twice a year. I've tried to get as much info and pics about her and her family for my children. I wanted to be able to answer all of my kids' questions as they were growing up. We have received very little response from her (Which I have to say has been very frustrating, a lot of empty promises for pics and no info). I've even included sending updates on my daughter even though that wasn't part of our original agreement (I did this for my daughter's sake, because bmom abandoned her but wrote a letter inquiring about her and saying how much she loved her. I didn't want my daughter to feel rejection "again" because I was sending updates on our son. I also didn't want the bmom to turn this around on me when my kids were grown (if they have contact) that I wouldn't tell her anything). I received a letter two years ago from the bgrandmom, letting me know that they had moved (which was the bmom's responsibility in our agreement, and technically could have ended it). She professed her love for my kids (which I can understand). She wanted to know if she could write and have contact with me and maybe someday with them. I wrote her back with the hope of getting more info on their family and possibly pics (I made no promises, gave an update on the kids, and asked her questions). Like the bmom a lot of empty promises, no pics, but I did receive more info on family history. Her last letter a yr. ago last Sept. again professing her love for our children, how happy she was that they had aparents that loved them so much, no pics but a few answers to my questions. Family & friends told me not to get involved w/bgrndmom so I never replied to her 2nd letter. Last June I sent the normal update w/pics and changed our agreement to once a yr. I felt that it was time to let go and move on. I felt w/having to send updates twice a year that I was reporting to them. These are my kids!!

Yesterday I checked the P.O.B. (I haven't checked in mos.) had a Xmas card from bgrandmom, Xmas card & letter from bmom. The bmom wrote a letter addressed to my kids (a first), telling them how she's doing good except looking for wrk, getting her life in order and staying focused on what's important in life. How she's doing a lot better they'd be proud of her, she has faith in all. Happy for the fact god is with her and how awesome for him to guide us, follow us, and everywhere he must keep watch… How both are growing up fast it brings her happiness, love, joy, in her heart. She's going to get some pics of herself for the family photo album, she feels it's really important to share for when they're older. She's going to make sure she stays in contact with them. "I'll stay posted it's important to me also". I hope to hear from you soon. (My kids are ages 4 & 3!)

The bgrandmom writes (addressed to me), how happy she was to receive the pics. How it eases her mind knowing they are loved dearly by us, a couple of questions about my son's medical condition, thanking me for including my daughter. "We don't keep the pics from him (#1 sib), he knows that (my kids) are his siblings that live with another family". "I know someday he will want more info and we are planning to be open about everything". (That comment really bothers me) (the older sibling is age 7). I did get a pic of the sib, which I'm truly grateful for. What worries me is what if my kids don't want to have anything to do with them, they're setting this kid up. When he grows up he's going to search to find us (I want my kids to contact them, on their terms not the other way around). I don't know what to do with these letters (Do I keep them for my kids, or do I toss them?). I thought that if I got all the info I could answer all my kids questions and they wouldn't feel the need to have anything to do with these people. Now I've put myself in a catch 22. Are my kids going to hate me if I stop all contact? I'm scared! (If you read the Bios you would understand, total dysfunction) I know this sounds selfish but I don't want to share my kids with these people. Do other amoms feel this way? My family doesn't know what to think. I’m at a loss at what to do! Thanks for listening.

[HappyMomAnna]

Hi--It is me Anna--and I am sure more peopl out there will respond with there feelings if we also put this thread on the general areas someplace not just under Oregon--let me know if I can help you with that. Some people won't answer our state threads-because they feel like they are butting in.

We have an older bio child and a younger bio child for our two children also--WE have ZERO contact with ANYONE. There are a FEW pictures of birthmom--taken at the visitation center--there are no pictures of M under the age of four. There is NO real family history--a few names of grandparents and that is it.

There is a file with the state (somplace?) where we can send info--and birthmom can send info--NO ONE GETS anything until the child is 21 in our case I asked it be our son the youngest.

Personally, I would liked to have had an open adoption--it would have been nice.....in reality this family is not what I wanted to raise my children around--and I am very glad there are no pictures or letters required. It is final for M this way--there is no hope and dream of a birthmom getting better and coming back to get her.

Your little ones do not even have a memory to recall. You--I know are going to be honest with them as they grow up. They will know about their siblings. And I agree with you they should have the right to do the finding and reunion themselves--not be found when they are not ready and able.

I know you wanted to give your children as complete a package as possible for them--with all the details you could find. But the details that matter you do have--and in some cases you have more then many of us for our children. You can be so happy you have those baby pictures!

I personally, don't see why you have to go too far with dancing to the drum beat they are setting. You have the right to pull back and think about this all..... I won't tell you what to do but, I will tell you what I would do--I would meet the obligation of the agreement and that is all. Until or unless you decide it is ok for more.

Remember--you have decided that for right now you want to step back and be a regular parent and stop living and breathing adoption as the focus of your every moment. Send the updates--and pictures (I have heard that including many--many--people , or a hectic busy back ground like at Chuck-E-cheese, in the picture with the child makes the picture less intamate to the birthfamily--just and idea).

I know you--and I would bet you have been as sweet as honey with the birthfamily--it is okay to fullfill the agreement and no more.... it is ok to raise your children without this being a constant issue over the years ahead.....

[bromanchik]

What I do not understand is why the child that is living with the birthfamily gets so little consideration. If adoption is about doing what is in the best interest of the children than that should include all children, not just the ones adopted.

You, as a parent, have control over who your children see until 18. Than it is up to them to decide. I would hope you will be honest with this birthfamily of what your intentions are. I would also be honest with your kids. If you truly feel OK with this decision you should not have a problem doing either. If you find it hard to explain your actions you need to ask yourself why.

[HappyMomAnna]

We can all agree that being open and honest with children in adoption is generally the very best thing we as adoptive parents can do. However, this is a State adoption and there are some big reasons these little ones were placed with a family outside of the relatives they have. Pedpets is actually one of the very few families who adopt children through the Foster Care system who even has an agreement for ANY kind of openness.

If her children were safe with the biological family they would not be adopted---If her children are at risk for anything damaging to them then it is pedpets right to protect them. She did not say she wished her children would never have contact with their older sibling--she wants her children to have contact on their TERMS which should also be respected. If the bio family is raising the older child with a deep desire to find the younger ones--then they are equally incorrect and hurting that child.

Pedpets is one of the most wonderful people I have ever PERSONALLY met in my life--yes, I do know her face to face and can assure you that her desire is to raise her children to know and understand their whole life story--but, she is not obligated to have the risks raised and her children to be confranted with this older sibling when he turns 18 and they are still 14 and 15.

You and I do not have the casefile--we do not know the circumstances and EVERY praent has the right to make the hard decisions for their own children. Pedpets is not the mother of the other siblings--she is the mother of her children it is her jo to make the decisions that are best for her children and in no way ever said she wants to pretend anything else.

Pedets has treid to have a nice relationship with the bio family and to date the bio family has not kept their end of the agreement up.

[pedpets]

Thank you for your input, I truly appreciate it! It was clearly inappropriate for the bmom to write what she did in her letter (at this age). Clearly she thinks that they will all be reunited someday. Maybe they will, maybe not. It's my job as a parent to protect them as best as I can. I will keep these letters for my kids to read (when I feel it's appropriate) and let them decide for themselves. I think I freaked out because this letter was out of the "Norm" for her and it caught me off gaurd.

My concerns are also for the #1 sib. What concerns me is that they may be setting this kid up. This family is unstable. They've moved 4x in the past 3 yrs. Bmom keeps popping in and out of this kids life. How devastating it's going to be if my kids want nothing to do with him! Also I don't know what this kid is going to turn out like.

We don't know if my kids will ever want contact with the bfamily. And I don't want my kids to feel any pressure in having a reunion. It will be on their terms and no one elses.

Everyone keeps telling me not to have contact w/bgrandmom. But I clearly get more info from her than the bmom. This is still confuseing me on what to do.

I want to be as honest as I can w/my kids about their bfamily, but at the same time it scares me to think of their reunion. I think you have brought up some really good points. It's given me a lot to think about. Thanks again for your support!