[momagain]

Hello fellow Oregonians! Hi Melissa, i see you posted here. I'm curious to find out what county people are in. Also how long you've been fostering, what ages kids, etc.

I'm in Multnomah County. Been fostering for 3 years and have 4 foster and 1 adopted children. They range from 11 mos to 13 yo.

It's kind of interesting to find out the different ways different counties do things. So, let's hear from you!
Diane

[mis4ever]

Ok since nobody else is posting, I'll start!! I'm Melissa I'm 24 and married, we live in Columbia County and are doing our homestudy next week! We hope to take up to 2 children up to the ages of 8. We are not focused on adopting, but open to it!

[HappyMomAnna]

I am Anna and in Washington County. We are adopting siblings (5&1) and I am Happy to see you posting. While I am not a Foster Parent (other then for the purpose of adoption) I would like to say, Thank you for the love you give and please let me know if there is any way I can supportive to you

[momagain]

Hello Anna,

I'm happy that you you are getting to adopt! Is this your first adoption? We adopted our little girl we had from 16 mos, who is now four. We fostered her first. We have been fostering for 3 years and there have been more than one we would have loved to adopt, but it didn;t work out. Fostering is very rewarding in that you can really see a difference in a child's life when they are placed in a warm, nurturing home. But it certainly has mixed blessings when the children have to move on.

We have thought about adopting children who are already legally free but are not sure if it's the right path for us. Is it hard to adopt a baby? We really have a heart for sibling groups, and have enjoyed fostering some.

How long have you had your children in your home and do you also have bio children? Are they doing well?

Thanks for posting,
Diane

[laughingmama]

My husband and I are 31 and we live in Multnomah county. We are foster parents but, we will be adopting our foster baby. We have 2 bio children and are really excited about adding our 3rd. I think we still have a bumpy ride ahead but, we're hoping for the best.
I like reading adoption stories so, feel free to write them!
Nicole

[HappyMomAnna]

Hi Diane and Nichole!!!!!

It is so great to be in such good company. Sorry Dainne for not responding sooner....
I have a 20 yr bio son and a 19yr old bio daughter and my husband and I are waiting for the finaliztion of the adoption of siblings a girl 5 and her brother 1 (actully by the time this is over the will be 6 and 2)
Our Gotcha day is january 10, 2003 so it has been less then a year..... and what a year we have had. Tonight our daughter told us she wants to adopt her babies... I asked her why and she said she doesn't want to miss work when she is a firefighter.... I told her she would miss a few days no matter how she got her babies!!!
She has some real issues but most of them are emotional and social. She is very bright and spirited so we believe her life will be full of great hope...
It is actually very surprising how fast the process can go... I build myself up for this long wait and the hardest part was getting the homestudy finsihed.. after that everything went so fast we were having a hard time keeping up....
As for babies they are difficult and parents usually wait a little longer... but, I personally know of at least 5 or 6 infants under 6mos who have been placed. Those couples did wait about 2-years and they were disstressed at the end but, suddenly out of the blue it happened.
Our children have a newborn brother and due to our daughter needing so much and the pain she would feel we decided we could not raise him....so someone out there will be able to adopt a perfect newborn...we have only asked that the family consider an "adult" relationship with us and perhaps a future meeting with the children when they grow up.
Well, sorry its bathtime..... I will have to add more later

[momagain]

Hello Anna and Laughingmama!

We have bio children - daughter 24, son 21. 18 mo old granddaughter too! Actually they (plus my son-in-law) are all living with us right now so we have 11 people in our household! The older ones should move on soon, our son to college, my daughter and her family to an apartment.

Our adoption of our foster daughter went pretty easily. Her bio parents pretty much gave up by the time we got her in our home. It didn't take long till tpr and then our homestudy and paperwork ... Not a really fast process but we knew she was staying with us so it was just a matter of being patient and getting all the information to Salem and then to the judge. We are very blessed to have our special little girl!

Laughingmama - you said you were adopting your foster baby. Is tpr in the works? How long have you had him/her? How old is the baby? How long have you and your husband been fostering?

Anna, you really sound like a committed mom. I just hate to see what the birth parents have done to these kids. So many innocent little ones, it just breaks my heart. I think that's why we are still fostering - so we can keep an open door. We do have a heart for adoption too, especially since it worked out so well for us once.

Hope to hear from you again,
Diane

[HappyMomAnna]

Wow Momagain--you have a housefull!!! The rebound of the "grown" children is one concern I keep ever in my mind... Not that I would not open my door but, I do so hope my adult children don't knock on it..... sounds bad I guess, but right now my parents are supporting 6-grandchildren--6!!! 3-live with my father and 3-live with my mother...and my brothers are not real helpful...
Of course, if the need ever came up....and I could really enjoy the company of my children even when they are all grown up. I think it all depends on who they really become... I lived with my mother-in-law as a young family and it was an important transistion and made all the difference in our sucess so--I know it is nice to have the parents around even after we are gronw.... but, wow the morning must be CRAZY in your house!

Today is the first day since my Back Surgery (Sept 18) where I feel like I might make it afterall!!! It will still be another 3-weeks before I can pick up baby boy and he is really getting "pissed" with me about the whole thing! We have a step ladder up to his crib and he is such a sucker--he still loves to run up -- jump in and before he realizes what happend his "crib tent" is zipped and mommy is saying good night!!! He has certainly enjoy the freedom of not getting in his high chair for lunch and yesterday stuffed his PB&J sandwhich into the heater vent!!!
Anyway--lests keep the thread alive and everyone in Orgeon keep in touch ----

[FosterMom2002]

Jackson County in the Rogue Valley Foster Mom of 3- ages 3 weeks, 2 years 7 months, and 2 years 3 months. Bio children Sweet 16, 10 and 8!! Would have more if I could. I have been FC for 1 year 1 month now and LOVE IT!! Have had 6 other FC in the past year. We are in the process of adopting our 2.3 foster son and possibly our 3 week old foster daughter. Anyways hope we can get a good message board going!

[HappyMomAnna]

Hi!
and glad you found us!!! You sound like you have a house full too!!! I guess I won't feel so sorry for my yesterday after reading your tally of children!

Our son is not even two and oh, my goodness.........He is climbing everything so, I might not be able to talk online so mch until we find a carpenter to build somekind of real gate to keep the little man off the stairs!

Keep in touch and always start a thread if you have an Oregon kind of thing to say!!!

Anna

[shibasenji]

It's neat to see the make-up of all of these incredible families! I'm in Multnomah County, too... have two boys, 7 and 4 1/2. I have been considering adoption for almost a year, now. I really feel a strong calling to be a mother to more children... esp. a daughter. My husband, however, doesn't have that same deep feeling, and is not real keen on the idea. I have thought that straight adoption through an agency of a newborn would be the best situation for us... but am not sure he's going to get on board.
Here's my question: I have also thought a lot about fostering... knowing that we are good parents and have a nurturing home that would be a safe place for a child who needs that. We did go to an info meeting with DHS last summer, and thought it would be too emotionally wrenching to go that route, not knowing whether we would ever be able to adopt the children we had cared for and loved, and having to actively work for reunification. On the other hand, I wonder if it would be a good way to compromise... I could use my mothering gifts/skills, and it would be only temporary. But I know that in the back of my head, I would be hoping that my husband's reluctance would evaporate (I really believe it could) once we had a little girl "in arms" and if the opportunity to adopt did arise, we could pursue that. But I'm conflicted... any thoughts?
Also, I would want to only foster girls 0-12 months or so... and I do work part-time (5 hours a day Tues, Wed, and Thurs) What kind of child care arrangements might be reasonable? (If any.)
Thanks for any ideas you can share!
Carrie

[FosterMom2002]

Most of the time they won't change their minds and it makes it even harder if you do get attached. I have a caseworker and another fostermom that thought they could change their DH mnds and it didn't. Infact 1 got a divorce over it. What does you hubby say about fostering? We didn't plan to adopt through fostering but it just happened. In our County to have any children other then school age children there has to be one parent home at all time. Like you and you DH work oppisite hours so the foster children didn't have to go to a sitter. Check it out in your County though. Good luck and if you have anymore questions please write back.

[HappyMomAnna]

Hello!

shibasenji:

As much as we mom types want and are willing to do the loving of a Foster Family or adoption through the State Waiting children it is very difficult and stressful to do so without the complete support of our husbands. Often it is difficult and takes longer for men to reach this point and be open to the idea.... Men like to fix problems and take care of things and when adoption is stating to brew they feel powerless over the whole thing..... especially if they have never had an experience with adoption or known people who have adopted.

My advice would be to lay the ground work with you husband and help him figure out what questions he even has to ask. It is very difficult to make any decision if you have little to go on. We females tend to believe our love and charm will make everyone happy..... Sometimes it takes men a lot of thinking and time to digest this stuff..... It took my husband 2-years after we decided we were going to adopt and how we wanted to adopt before he was motivated to actually start the work..... It seemed like forever to me but, to him it was how long he needed to feel good about the decision.

He had never known anyone who had adopted, and never even discussed the idea of adopting an infant let alone a child. During our 2-year stall he ran into one friend after another who were adoptive parents, he found out about one famous person after another who was adopted or had adopted and he became more and more aware. I talked with him often and we talked about everything before we started.

Fostering and Adopting in our state will require the active participation of anyone in your home over 18 years old. By active I mean just filling out the homestudy survey is a labor of time and deep soul searching....... I had a hard time getting it all done and cannot imagine being at all interested if I didn't really want to do it. Each step of the process before certification is stressful and takes effort. I honestly think it would be very hard to accomplish if both parents are not fully committed to the whole thing.

My advice is to be sure he is onboard before you take the real steps and start the process. You can attend a training together and then wait for months and do it again...... Spend time collecting all the info you can and share it with him. Talk about the things your family could deal with and the things you could not deal with...... as some time passes you will be able to tell if he is willingly changing his mind or only wishing you would just stop talking about it.......if he cannot tolerate the conversation everynight then he will not be able to tolerate the reality of a strange child living in your home everynight.

Also, I do believe it is true that children under the age of kindergarten have to have a primary caregiver in the household. There are many reasons that it is needed but, especially for the building of bonds. Little ones who have been moved around may not 'remember' but their bodies and hearts do and they need full time experience with the new parent. Our son was 1-year when he came to live with us and 9-months after he was placed I had to have back surgery.

Everyone would have believed he was doing very well.....and a week at a day school should be fun! Not true he suffered very badly. He hid under the table the whole day, and didn't go poo at all. He was so sick by the end of the second day. The day school staff thought it was so cool he didn't cry when daddy dropped him off......but that is not great--a well bonded 20 month old does cry when left at day care. After my surgery I could not pick him up for 8 weeks (2-weeks ago now) and he has been very angry with me....... We really thought after 9-months he would have few problems and we saw how hurt he really was. Like we told the day school---once a really nice lady came to his house and played with him for a few days then she put him in her car and drove away to a whole new world with him.....That was me and he has no reason to believe it won't happen again.

Foster familles are certified for certain age ranges and I believe (unverified statement) that any under two do also require a stay at home parent.

These children have such different issues then our birth children they need so much--without a consistent and supportive home the whole family can suffer deeply. Even the little 1-year olds come with issues and bonding is a vital skill that cannot be fixed later if not learned by the right time. Attachment issues are horrifying and painful for any family that lives through it...... when taking Foster children or adopting from the state these kids need more time and attention and consistency ....This just is not very easy to do when day care is a part of the situation. How will the child bond with you if it takes 6-months to realize who the mom actually is.... I know you work part-time so it isn't as long as it could be.....but, to me fostering and mothering an older adopted child is a full time job.

We really do support you in any direction you choose and sure will hope DH gets on board....is there anything any of us might say or offer to help him better understand?

[shibasenji]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. I really believe it is going to take us a lot of time to come to any solid decision. DH doesn't have any issue with adoption per se, in fact, he was raised with a strong value of not having more than two bio kids... just replace yourselves so you're not putting more strain on the earth, etc. All of the families on his side have only two children. On my side, it's typically four. If we came to a place where we both wanted to expand our family, there would be no question that we would adopt. There, however, is the issue. DH isn't sure he wants more kids. As good as he is as a father, it takes a lot of effort, and he's looking forward to "the other side." Also, our boys are both extremely challenging to parent... very bright and very strong-willed. He's not sure he's up to doing this again. I, on the other hand, so strongly desire another child (particularly a daughter) that it is difficult to imagine I am finished. I am a Montessori teacher, working with 3-6 year olds, so my work helps me have an outlet to nurture young children, but the truth is that it is a completely different kind of being with them. Mothering is so much more. And I'm just not ready, I don't think, to grieve the fact that at 31, I'm done having babies. (Though this may be the beginning of processing that fact.)
Then there is the feeling I have had this past year of really being "led" (though I don't like that terminology) in this direction. I believe that my most effective and meaningful way of serving is as a mom. And though I'm doing it already, at almost 5 and 7, my boys are already moving into independence, as they should be.
I appreciate the comments about being full-time at home, too. I was at home with both of my boys until two years ago, when I enrolled my youngest in the school where I started teaching. So we've never had any type of "other" care. If we did adopt a newborn, I could bring her to work with me, integrate her into the classroom. But for fostering, because it would be short term and unpredictable, and once they are mobile and toddling it wouldn't work as well, it would be necessary to use some type of care... a nanny, maybe. (There is actually some creative ways I could go... there is an empty nursery where I work, and if I had a caregiver come during school hours (9- 12:30) I'd still be available if needed.) I agree, though, it doesn't seem the best situation for the child. I would be reluctant to quit, though... my job is the perfect employment for a Mom with kids over 3. They're with me until kindergarten, then I can get my boys off to school before I go to work, and am finished before they are. I also have Mondays and Fridays off to help in their classroom, and of course holidays and summers. It really works well. Maybe I need to think about waiting a few years and caring for older kids. But I really have a heart for babies.... sigh. As I'm sure you can tell, this process is nowhere near being ready to start for us. I appreciate, though, your comments and support as we try to figure out what is the right thing for our family.
Thanks again,
Carrie
P.S. What do you think about taking the trainings for foster care to get a better idea of what it would be like? Can you do that without applying? I am hard pressed to see how we can make a good decision when we aren't well informed.

[HappyMomAnna]

I understand how you feel.....when I was seven I told my family I wanted to have 10 kids five boys and five girls. Being a mother has always been what I wanted to do with my life.

Things may change as you go along and I would go to the Trainings---I am not sure how the Foster Family trainings difer but, I know the adoption trainings are pretty open minded.
It can never hurt to get more info.......I would tell them that up front and let them know you are researching this as something you may or may not end up doing. You may come away and decide you don't want to....you may come away with more to talk and think about.

It is so easy to have a 'picture' in our minds of how it would be if we did this......the truth is always a lot more full of dirty diapers, and coloring on the walls then we dreamed.