[pernellrp]

Hi Everyone -

My partner and I just got the news that we were not chosen as the family for an 11 year old special needs girl. We were recruited by the social worker, told that she "really likes our family" and in then told that without even interviewing us (that was supposed to happen tomorrow)that they would go with the other family. I'm happy that the girl will have a family, one way or the other, but feel that it was very unfair to lead us along and then cancel without even a chance to "sell ourselves" at an interview. This is the second time this sort of thing has happened to us and I am becoming VERY discouraged! Has this happened to any of you? Is anyone else feeling like the whole child protective system is arbitrary and chews families up? I'm just heartbroken and nearly ready to give up. I keep hearing that "there are so many older children who need families," yet we've sent out so many homestudies and don't hear a peep. The two kids we've had collateral meetings about have fallen through with hard feelings. Help! I'm feeling very sad.

[frida_94601]

Hello, I feel the same as you do I am a single parent waiting to adopt an older child 37 yrs old, I feel that the agency that I am working for is very empathetic to my needs, but I will not give up hope and niether should you, if this agency is playing with your emotions, why dont you look in to a support group or change agencies? just curious please keep me posted.

Lillian

[pernellrp]

Thanks for the reply, Lillian. Actually, the agency I'm working with is great, it's the state social workers that aren't working for us. We are really committed to the idea of adopting an older child from foster care, but feel like we're beating our heads against the wall. I'm glad to hear that you feel that your agency is supportive. I have been doing some searching around for a support group, so perhaps I will join one. It just feels a little strange, since I assume that most people attending have already adopted and are looking for support with parenting. Maybe I'm wrong, though. How long have you been waiting to adopt?

[frida_94601]

I worked for a family attorney, and I read to many cases of abuse, and how they system failed them , I am going to say 6yrs. As far as the support group goes it is kinda hard when many people have already adopted, that why I stay and read some of the threads, it easies your mind a little, I am almost done I am currently waiting for my bf fingerprints to clear, I am adopting as a single parent, please keep me posted.

best,

Lillian

[sbniles]

Hi,

It sounds like you are riding the adoption roller coaster. I am I am sure many others are familar with the ride. Stick with it. It's worth it in the end. Hang in there!

[gail/john]

The "system"...social workers, their supervisors, etc. DOES NOT WORK. We have come to the conclusion we are working with a bunch of incompetent paper pushers. We tried to cooperate for two years. Now, we have just about had it. Yes, it's said that there are so many children waiting to be placed and because of gross incompetence they are not being taken care of. We have even offered to foster and we have not heard from anyone from DHR. Call Marie Youngpeter, Head of Office of Adoptions in Albama at 334-242-8112; she will listen. Page Walley, Commissioner, cannot be bothered. Also, another good contact is Elka Graham of the governor's office. 334-242-7100. The more of us they hear from...the more action we will get...we hope!

[squeek]

Sounds like the same people we've been dealing with here in eastern NC.

[macrod]

Please do not give up. We had the same thing happen to us twice. The first time we were so excited about a little girl (5). The caseworker kept telling us that were favoriites and it was all but a done deal. Then the dreaded call came. The second time happened months later. Again, we prepared a room and were told that the child was coming home. But on the day that everything was to take place - bam!! They decided he would stay w/the foster family. We quit. Well we quit for 2 days and then we said one more time. That was 3 years ago. And now, we have our beautiful little girl with us forever and I am so glad that we stayed with it as we would have never met her. Be patient. Stay in contact w/the workers.

[dr.kad]

Hey all!!!

My husband and I are banging our heads too. I try to have sympathy for my overworked CW but she is so slow in returning phone calls/emails (when she returns them at all). Plus, I'm having a hard time getting her to make calls to children's case managers. She just doesn't have the personality or time to advocate for us.

We've been at this for 1/2 year--It kills me to think we may be at this for 2-3 years. I'm SOO tired of being ignored. One week, there will be a flurry of activity, with CWs calling our CW to see if we're interested in a child. Then nothing!!! Silence.

I keep thinking that every CW must see something awful in our homestudy, that we are somehow unfit, that somehow there are "perfect" families out there getting chosen over us.

Then, to top it off, I keep seeing those public service announcements about how important adoption is, about how many kids are out there who need families...Everything I read about adoption--with the EXCEPTION of the posts on this website--contradicts my experiences with child services. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

It's so sad for thos children who aren't getting homes.

Ok, thanks for the opportunity to rant. Good luck to all of you!!!

[mke]

have any of you tried adoptuskids? check out their webpage, they have chidren that are available in every state. Also I have heard Texas is really good to work with.


try not to give up, and best of luck

[ALI143]

Try to keep in mind that 1/2 a year isn't a terribly long time either. Though it feels like it, I know. It took us 1 1/2 years. They really really look at the amount of time waiting. Fair or not fair, but that seemed to be a big consideration when choosing families. Try to find a local parent run support group and ask everyone else how long it took them. I've found that singles and couples without other children took 9-14 months. More or less depending on the stay at home parent factor. Couples with other school aged children 13-24 months. Factor in a few months for age range of child trying to adopt. That's just my personal experience from being in this adoption rollar coaster since 2003 and talking to at least 200 people that have adopted in the last five years.

[meowylyn]

Hang in there. The system works but you have to know how to work the system. You really have to be persistent and patient. I know that is difficult during the wait. Keep the faith. And don't be afraid to be a squeaky wheel!

Marilyn

[Opus]

Originally Posted by meowylyn

Hang in there. The system works but you have to know how to work the system. You really have to be persistent and patient. I know that is difficult during the wait. Keep the faith. And don't be afraid to be a squeaky wheel!

Marilyn

I just wanted to reiterate what Marilyn posted - excellent advice!

[mythreekids]

Don't give up - instead find another state to work with. We, too, have made it to the final committe meeting as one of two families, and were not chosen. It's okay -there are approx 120,000 other children in foster care waiting to be adopted. We found the social workers in Texas to be helpful, but the process (determined by state laws) to be very difficult. Oregon, on the other hand, has been fabulous to work with. Go to adoptuskids.org, and search for kids on that site. Or better yet, on that site (without logging in), go to Resource Center, and then on the left column select State Photolistings. There are kids posted at the state level that are not on adoptuskids listing. Go directly to each state listing (it takes lots of time) and search for kids that way. The NorthWest Adoption Exchange (NWAE) is easy to get information from. I have other tricks of the trade too, if you are interested.
In our case, we do all of the legwork to find prospective kids on the sites, gather information, etc., and ask our caseworker/agency to step in only when the state won't send information directly to us.
One more hint - when you fax your homestudy to a caseworker (yes, you can and in my opinion, should do this step, not your agency) send along a letter from you and your partner that describes your lifestyle, day to day household activities, sporting activities, typical vacations, etc. so the caseworker can see how the kids might fit into your life. The homestudy is good, but it is usually dry reading, without a lot of personal points that help a caseworker really get to know you. We have received alot of positive response regarding the 3 page letter we include with our homestudy. It starts by saying "the homestudy is good info, but we want to provide you with a better feel for our family and our environment" (or something like that).

Good luck - let me know if you have any more questions. But don't give up. There is a child out there who will be very lucky to have parents who struggled for so long just to adopt him or her.