[TerriJimmyC]

On Tuesday, I went to an orientation at my local county human service office for foster/adopt situations. First let me say, that my husband and I are still researching and are exploring all avenues. Unfortunately, he was unable to attend this meeting with me. When I got there, I explained what had happened with my husband and asked if I could still attend with out him. I was told yes so I attentivly listened to the entire program, takining notes passionatly so that I could share the information with my husband, understanding that he would still have to attend an orientation if we choose this route. After the program was concluded, I went to the back of the room where they were handing out informationa and applications and here is where my experience went bad. The woman who was conducting the seminar was so rude to me. She was rude, hateful, snippy, and almost mean. She was very reluctant to give me any information and in a loud mean voice stated "Did you hear the part about there is no guarantee?" I nicely asked for the information again, and she almost threw it at me. As I left, I got mad, but by the time I was in my car, I was in tears. I cried the entire hour it took me to drive back across Denver to my home, another hour once I got home. My husband was disgusted and wanted to file a complaint against her. She was not hateful or rude to the Lesbian couple that was there, so why did she have to be that way to me? It makes me wonder if we have made the right decision to open our hearts to a child when the adults we are forced to work with break our hearts with rude, unexplained, and unacceptable behavior. I am heartbroken and very confused. I just wanted to share my experience, and see if anyone has any words of advice. Sorry for the long post.

[Volfe]

Wow, I'm just sorry you had such a bad experience with her. Thisis such a new thing and for it to be tarnished in such a way is awful. It doesn't matter why she was rude, what mattered is that she was supposed to be a professional, even had you been rude to her (not saying you were). Alas, I have often found the one sour apple in places, hrm usually when I was pregnant.

This should be a positive experience...

I do say that a complaint letter might be in order. I realize we don't live in utopia but poor behaviour like that should be reported at least to make others in the organization aware of the individual.

I often wonder how such people (the rude ones) get these govt jobs where they must deal with people all the time.

I hope no one reports here that this is the norm. It should not be.

Me

[Loie]

I'm so sorry you had a less than favorable experience with your local county. I don't know who the were, but just about any agency in the state can help you connect with a fost/adopt situation since Colorado is an agency state. If you'd like to know who we're using, I'd be happy to let you know if you PM me.

Again, I'm so sorry you had to experience her rudeness. As if this isn't hard enough. :hug:

Loie

[Todd P]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. However if this is how you plan on adopting (through dept. of social services or DSS), I would suggest that your experience is a blessing in disguise. Let me explain.

Earlier this year my wife and I became foster parents to a baby boy. We brought him home when he was five days old. Without going into absolute detail about how or why he was placed into foster care, our experience with DSS (still on-going) is unreal. We never, ever thought it would be like this. My wife was talking to our first case worker one day, saying that all we want is what was best for the child. The caseworker replied by saying, "...talk is cheap. You're full of crap, and I know you want this baby!" My wife cried all the way home. Needless to say we filed a complaint. Our current caseworker is very intelligent, but naive. She operates like she swallowed a book. Shows No emotion whatsoever. And she doesn't show any concern where this little boy will end up, including back with the drug addicted father.

Now about the system. The courts give the bio parents chance after chance, after chance. And if that isn't enough, DSS will make it their mission to oblige with the court system, eventhough there is no hope that the bio parents will get their act together. The G.A.L. on the other hand is suppose to be neutral. Their job is to represent the child, and they too are possessed into thinking that the child in every case should be reunited with the family (any family member). Our G.A.L. told us face to face that reuniting the child with family was her job. This is complete opposite what DSS told us in training (they say it's a federal law that they have to try anyway). And in order for the bio parents to get this child back is to simply clean up their act temporarily , just long enough to satisfy DSS and the courts, eventhough they have been involved in drugs for most of their adult life, it doesn't matter. Moreover, everybody uses the "buzz" words that we're SICK of hearing - "...it's all in the best interest of the child." We have concluded what they really mean is "it's all in the best interest of the system."

Since we disagree with almost everyone who is involved in our case, including the child's family, we hired an attorney. Yesterday we learned that we finally became interveners of the case. Mayby, just maybe somebody will listen to us. Then mayby not. We're just praying for this little guy, and hope someday he'll be ours and he'll have somebody to call mommy & daddy. And if that doesn't happen, we will terminate our foster parent status with DSS because it's simply to hard to fall in love with a child and have DSS come take him away without any empathy, and say "NEXT CASE!" Never again.

In conclusion, I would say your horrifying experience was short lived, and that's why I say it was a blessing in disguise. We both wish you the best in your attempts to adopt.

Todd
(disgusted in Weld Co.)

[crick]

Terri - I'm sorry you had such an awful experience! I would try very hard though to put it in the back of your mind and continue to research and meet with others to see if this is the right path for you. It isn't an easy route, but there are caring and sensitive sw's and people out there to help you. I will say that sometimes it seems to work better when you have an agency in the middle who will mediate between you and the state. There are a lot of agencies out there and the fees are generally lowered or non exisitent if you end up adopting a child from the system.

Todd - You too, seem to have had an awful experience. I'm curious though, when you started the process, were you "classified" as strictly foster parents or foster to adopt? If you were planning to foster/adopt, I'm sure you knew what a risky situation this could be. i.e. reunification, TPR etc. And if you were signed up "just" to foster, then I'm a bit confused why you are so angry that they are trying to reunite, knowing that fostering is meant to be a temporary situation. I'm not accusing, just trying to understand where you are coming from.
I'm sure you realize that until the state exhausts all avenues to reunite him with his parents, you will remain on this frustrating journey. I know the system sucks, but the people working for the system absolutely have to follow protocol. They don't make the laws, but have to abide by them. It does seem though that you and your wife have not gotten the best luck in the sw dept., which is really sad. There ARE wonderful ones out there!

I hope for both of you, things change for the better. With so many kids in foster care, it's ridiculous how many innocent lives are damaged.

Best of luck,
Crick

[Todd P]

Crick,

To answer your question if we were strictly foster parents or fost/adopt, we signed up as fost/adopt (but we found out it doesn't matter. The title is one in the same). Granted, we were fully aware of the risks, especially with infants.

However, I guess my main gripe here is the system as a whole. Yes it does suck. I understand DSS has a protocol to follow. It's the difference between the "letter" of the law & the "spirit" of the law. Meaning there is some discretion and common sense that can AND should be utilized.

To expand on that, bio mom used drugs (meth) during most of her pregnancy. Bio mom wanted to have an abortion, but by the time she decided this, it was too late. After birth, bio mom and dad ran from the law because they had warrants. Nonetheless, they totally disregarded the fact there was a baby involved because of their selfishness toward themselves and their desire to get high on drugs. THEY DIDN"T WANT THIS CHILD!!

So where does the law protect the child in this situation? How is reunification going to help in this case? Now bio mom has been sentenced to jail for a while and will probably have no chance of getting the child back. Bio dad, on the other hand, didn't even want to tell his parents about this baby. When he got arrested, his parents came to the rescue and now want custody of the child. Not withstanding that the grandparents are bad, but how is this child affected, now or later in life.

Do you know of any adopted people out there that are truely traumatized because they never knew their bio parents? I have a cousin, and two friends that are adopted and they are fine. However, being in law enforcement for over 10 years, I see on a weekly basis where a child is in the custody of a realitive and are having problems with the child. The child is acting out for whatever reason, and it's mostlikely due to the truama he/she is experiancing because they don't understand why they don't have a regular mother or father like their friends. Or why their bio mom & dad come to visit, but leave without them. My whole point is if a child is born in a undesirable situation, and if there is reason to believe the parents show no interest in caring for them, start them off fresh with adoptive parents. This is "spirit" of the law I'm talking about. Stop patching up families with a band-aid. If you search hard enough on this website, you will find people that were raised by grandparents and their experiance was tramatic. They felt lied to, and betrayed. The law has to change.

I can only assume you are associated with social services in some way or another. I know there are good caseworkers out there. I just don't understand why caseworkers can't streamline the system in some cases. Sit the parents down and get a true feeling what they want. If they don't want the child, stop who-haw-ing around and get it done. If this is what the parents want, how is it violating protocol?

You say there are so many kids in foster care who are innocent and their lives are damaged forever. You're right. Stop and think for a minute. If you were a child, placed with a realative, who are you going to call mommy & daddy? What are you going to tell your friends when they ask "where is your parents?" Do you really want to tell them they are in prison? You are ostracized by other children because you're not "normal" simply because you are being raised by grandma & grampa. You feel helpless and turn into a chronic run-a-way, subsequently social service is in the picture once again. They place you in a group home with other troubled children (probably with even more problems). One day you and a couple of the others decide to run-a-way, smoke dope and drink some beer. And this is all because NOBODY wanted YOU! Believe me, in my job, I deal with kids like this on a weekly basis.

Don't get me wrong. My wife and I beieve in family values. Had the bio family been involved in our case sooner, we might not be so subjective to the way it's going now. Our foster child is developing a bonding with us over the past 6 mo, and if he is pulled from us now, it may cause some trauma for him. Professionals argue both ways, that a bonded child can transfer to another. Other professionals say bonding is a learned skill and it's traumatic for the child if he/she is seperated from the only parents they ever knew. All in all, we are fighting for what is the TRUE best interest of the child. Not for what is best of the legal system. This system is wrong and it has to change. And it won't change with a foster parent either (we have no rights really). It has to start with caseworkers and up the chain. But then again, it's only a job to them anyway, so why waste the time. This is exactly why we have so many troubled kids! Think about! Social Services isn't bonding families, they are patching them up with a band-aid.

Thank you for listening.

tp

[crick]

Todd -

Thanks for the update, it does make a lot more sense now. Just in terms of knowing where your anger comes from. I totally agree with you that the system is not set up to protect the kids and there are a lot of changes that need to happen.

I just don't think it's in the social worker's power to do it. The laws themselves have to be changed. No matter if a sw really believes that the bparents are unfit, she still has to follow the rules and go through all the hoops. No matter what the "spirit" of the law is. If I remember correctly, doesn't CO law require that there be a 6-9 mos "reunification" period? I can't remember, but I know the sw's hands are tied and they have to help the bparent do a reunification plan etc. I have always wondered though if a bparent can just say "I want to sign my rights away" and if the sw will do put that procedure in place or if they still have to stick to the reunification plan? At any rate, I'm sure the sw's are frustrated too because they can't legally do anything until the law changes.

I'm not in ss, far from it. Adopted 4 siblings out of foster care and we chose to do straight adoption for the main reason that you and your wife are dealing with right now. I just couldn't deal with the thought of raising a child, loving him only to give him back to the system or to an unfit bparent. I'm not strong enough to be that kind of parent.

I will say though that we had a relatively easy process and our sw was great. Good attitude and took the time to explain things etc. In fact, we are still in touch and I send her updates and pics on the kids. We also went through an agency so had a caseworker assigned that helped us through it. So that's why I do believe there are good sw's out there and they deal with the same frustrations, if not more, than we do at times.

Anyway, I do hope your son remains with you and will never know the abuse and neglect that will stem from a bparent on drugs. My kids did experience that and I wish I could kiss away that pain but I can't.

Crick

[Todd P]

Crick

At least we agree that the system needs to change. And yes, I do believe a caseworker is where is has to start. Laws in every aspect are changed by ordinary people like you and me. Of course it's only when someone who is strong & willing to stand up for what is right and make every effort to do so. I just think that most caseworkers believe they wouldn't or couldn't make a difference if they stood up and did something. Yesterday, my wife took our little boy for a visitation and overheard some caseworkers talking about an Intervener Workshop my wife and another foster parent are organizing. My wife said they sounded very perturbed and commented negatively against it. She heard one say, "....that means we'll probably have more foster parents hiring attorneys..." So what does this say? It says they would rather deal with the way the system is right now and not change a thing. And if this is their attitude, the system won't change. Who knows, maybe we're the ones that will change it. And by God if I get fired up enough, I just might do it.

And to answer your question about reunification in CO. I don't know specifically if it details the word "reunification" or not, but CO has a law that says a child must be placed permanently in a home one year from the date he/she entered foster care. However there are always provisions to this rule from case to case. And if this time table includes reunification during a six month period, I really don't know. Possibly very well could be. Maybe that's why we have visitations. ???

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate any and all comments from anyone.

tp

[JulesInColorado]

TerriJimmyC - so sorry to hear about that. I wanted to go the foster/adopt route for financial reasons but my DH was strongly opposed to it. He's changed his mind a bit but I decided to hold off because we have signed on with an agency. I am with the same agency as Loie (the other poster) and we both like this agency. What you mentioned was exactly what I was looking to avoid - mean people. Loie or I will be happy to give you the agency's name, just private message us.

I did contact ar*pahoe county and spoke to a VERY nice social worker by the name of Laurel. I would highly recommend anyone that is thinking of going A county to speak to her..very helpful and very patient and very realistic, honest and open.

Todd - wow, how heart renching. I would have to agree with you and I can see where you are coming from. I was afraid of your situation and so was my DH... after infertility my heart can't take much more. All of it seems so senseless! The agency that I go through does foster/adopt through the counties... they might be able to give you advice..very nice and knowledgable people. I did not know that counties worked with local agencies until we signed on with ours. Our agency helped facilitate the "one year" rule that now exists in CO...so you might want to check them out since you were talking about "change in laws."

[Todd P]

Our prayers might be answered soon! My wife helped organize an Interveners conference that was held today that basically showed foster parents how to be "Interveners." During the lecture, the speaker (an attorney) was telling them there is an on-going effort in the legislature where they are trying to get something passed into law that bonding & attatchment is more important than reunification with the family in some cases. For the past three years, this issue is getting closer to being law, and since this is election year, they are hoping something will happen soon. I can only pray that God will make this happen because it's much needed.


tp

[JulesInColorado]

Todd that sounds great. I hope everything works out for you guys (especially after all the heck you've been through). Please keep posting so that we can see updates

[socialwork1]

I am sorry to hear that anyone would be treated rudely by a social worker. I would deffinately file a complaint about this type of behavior. There is enough of a difficulty in finding adoption families in Colorado and bad treatment can lose possible good adoption families.
In response to Todd. I am a Social Worker and I am currently attending the University of Denver to obtain my Masters in Social Work. My course of study is Child Welfare as I have an interest in working in the foster/adopt area of practice. I hope to be an effective and caring case worker in my future endeavors. I do agree that things in the system need to change. The child must take priority in all case work. Please Todd attempt to understand that the Federal Government mandates that all Social Service/Child Welfare agencies work toward the reunification of families and if that is not possible placement and adoption with direct family members must be explored and enacted if possible. Be assurd that any family member who comes forward and wants to have the child placed with them is highly scrutinized by DSS and criminal backgrounds and previous DSS involvement is checked. It would be nice to have the family member willing to do this at the time of intitial DSS contact and be the initial placement of the child. Frequent movements of children into different foster homes is not good for the children. However the parents of the children in question often do not divulge information about possible family members due to embarassement or just plain vendictiveness about family members. Therefore the case worker doesn't even learn of their existence until relinguishment of parental rights is begun. Then the birth parent realizes that they probably won't be getting their child back and they divulge the names of family. With that information the case worker is required by law to explore that avenue. I agree this doesn't do much for the child who in the mean time is languishing in foster care. However without foster/adopt parents like yourself, who open their hearts and lives to these children things would be OH! SO MUCH WORSE for the child! TO YOU AND OTHERS LIKE YOU I GIVE A STRONG APPLAUSE! MY HEART IS SADDENED AT THE POSSIBILITY OF LOSING YOU AS A FOSTER/ ADOPT PARENT. Be assurd that many Social Workers recognize this problem and with the help of a magistrate in the Denver Family court system and others there have been some proposails made to the Lt. Govenor and changes to current legislation has been requested to address these issues. Unfortunately as you know legislative processes take time and won't be heard until Jan. 2005. The time frame for family members to petition for custody of a child is being addressed to eliminate last minute filings. Mothers giving birth to children who are then drug addicted due to the actions of birth mom is being addressed to be a cause for termination of parental rights. There are other issues attached to this proposal that will I hope pass and will give new hope to loving foster/adopt parents like yourself, that there is an end to this vicious process and that children will be freed for adoption more quickly. I hope this helps ease your concerns. Many of us Social Workers know there are problems within the current system and we are not sitting idely by we are advocating for change, but until that change occurs we are bound by law. Please hang in there losing you or others like you as foster/adopt parents only hurts children further. In answer to one of the questions I read was to the length of time spent on the "Reunification" effort. The courts complete what is called "Expidited" cases for kids. This process is required to be completed within a 1-year time frame and can be complete more quickly if the birth parent is identified as non-compliant with goals set or treatment. Parents can inform case workers early on that they want to relinguish their parental rights, freeing the children for adoption, but generally due to their selfish nature do not do this. The spirit of the law is a great concept and I understand it and as a former law enforcement person you know all to well that it unforunately is not recognized by the courts. I wish things were different and I hope changes are coming soon! I and many other Social Workers are advocates to change the current system. Much of the changes you discuss must come from the Federal level before the courts can change their procedures with child welfare cases. We must all advocate for the needed changes. It is not just a Social Worker issue it is an issue for all of us.
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I COULDN'T SAY IT WITH LESS WORDS.

[leaabc123]

We are going through something similar with our 7 mon old fson.
He has been with us for 4 months. Born tox pos for cocaine and had some other health issues. Father is unknown and fson was with a relative. bio-mom continues to use drug and has other health issues that she is not getting treatment for.

relative left him in court after being denied full legal custody. this relative and several other relatives said for 3 months that they would not pursue custody. Fson's siblings are spread among family members and non-members. Now, two of these relatives have filed for custody. They stated it was because the holidays were coming up and they missed him. They had chances to visit him 2ce a week but either never confirmed the visits or did not show up.

They are constantly dragging the bio-mom out of whatever crack house she is in and back home to try and force her to parent her kids.

Sw'r says they will probably get custody back because they have the siblings. It doesn't matter that the siblings go from relative to relative. It doesn't matter that fson was abandoned at the court house, on a whim. It doesn't matter that they skipped visits or that he didn't get his vaccinations on time. Fson's law guardian will not even be present. Everyone will have a voice except him. And since we have only had him for 4 (almost 5 months), we don't count either.
The system does not work for the best interests of the child, but for the best interests of family members.