[sakmom3]

I am considering adopting a 6-8 year old girl into an existing family of three boys (14, 10, 8). I'm wondering how emotionally needy the DSS children are? Will it detract from my other children? Also, anyone have experience with Catholic Charities adoptions?

[stephieb4]

Our family is also in a similar boat. We have 3 sons (11,7 &3 1/2). We are trying to adopt a girl from the Oregon foster system. We have run into hearing "needs to be youngest of much older siblings," Needs to be ONLY child. Or is "aggressive with children of similar ages. " I'd like to also hear what someone with life experience in this similar situation would have to say..

[HappyMomAnna]

I have adopted a 6 year old from the foster care system and her baby brother. I am an experienced mother with two children in college.... Not even at home.

Children from Foster care are VERY emotionally needy--have behavior issues that you did not mold--or often do not know about until they arrise...

Our daughter has been constant non-stop and consuming for the past year and a half....Her needs are a very huge priority because if we fail to help her heal now she will pay the cost later...

She IS the center of the family--she requires parents who can drop everything and run. She requires counseling at least once a week....she has tantrums that last between 3-6 hours...She hits...she bites...scratches....sneaks into everything......sexually acts out with daddy...... cannot be left in a room alone.......cries.....and needs mommies undivided attention....

I personally would never have been able to manage this situation if my biological children were still living at home needing me to take them to games, or help them with homework....Sometimes with our little girl the WORLD must stop and I must do what needs to be done....Maybe in a few years she will be healthy and have recovered from the HORIFIC abuse she expereinced...

The children in Foster Care are there for reasons...They were not taken away from a parent like you are....They are already very formed by the age of five--they already have habits...they do not forget and wake up happy to have everything you want to give them....they have learned how to survive...minipulate...and get what they need.....they have DEEP pain and grief to overcome they have often lost a biological parent and a foster family or tow or three before they meet you....

Attachment can take as long as three years...and still may not ever happen...Attachment requires intensive and non-stop efforts...

Personally, I would wait to adopt an older child if you start off wondering how much time you need to give...Wait until you can give all your time...

[sakmom3]

Wow! Thanks for the honest answer. I know how demanding my children are at their worst, and can only imagine adding another, more needy child might be..... Perhaps there is a compelling reason people wait until their other children are much older/out of the house. I also work part time outside of the home, which plays into our already busy scheudle.

[HappyMomAnna]

Well I very much want to see all of these children placed in loving homes as you can see by signature I want these children to be adopted....BUT it is so easy to believe these things just will not happen to us.... And even a child with very few issues in the profile has issues...that need lots of attention to help overcome...I really don't like to discourage people but, I also do not want anyone to get into more then they can handle... or would want to handle...and sometimes these things are not known before you take the child in...

If adopting an older child and offering them a great life is something in your heart it will still be there later...It was for me and when the right time came I knew it....

[Mysticah]

5 years ago we were virgin parents! Longing to have a child to call our own. We went through infertility treatments. Had to stop because my employer was sold out and the new employers insurance did not cover infertility treatments. So we began the long road to adoption. We applied in 1996 only to be thrown into a drawer at DHS never to be seen again............until late 1998. We were then brought out, the dust wiped off and we were on our way. One day out of the blue I received a call at work wanting to know if I was interested in a 6 year old girl they needed a placement. Heck, I didn't know if I was interested.....I had no idea...........I didn't even know the process after I said yes. We drove 4 hours to visit a cute little girl who instantly called my husband "dad". She didn't take to me very fast, as she had a 'mom'. Needless to say the whole visitation etc lasted less than 2 weeks and she was placed in our home. We had no information on her. We didn't even know her last name!

She was a beautiful child that always smiled at us. Everything made her smile. BUTTTTTT what we didn't know was when we turned our backs, school, daycare, neighbors, bus.......she became someone else! She hit, she bit, she scratched she pushed everyone who was trying to be nice away from her. When she would come home "Everything was great, wonderful, no problems".

It wasn't long and she began to show these habits at home. 2-3 hour tantrums, screaming at the top of her lungs, for no reason. We went to therapist after therapist. No help. We went to school meeting after school meeting, no help. I left those feeling like I was the guilty one..........

Finally one day in 5th grade we noticed it had all disappeared. The physical abuse of others, to the verbal abuse of others, to an 11 year old really wanting friends. 5th grade was her magical grade. Her teachers were giving us outstanding comments, she finally had sleep overs, and FRIENDS!

YES its difficult adopting a child from the foster care system. Especially when you are not educated!!!! But in the end, there is a reward. You can look back and where you have been with them and see the success of where you are. It's not always rosy. There are many bumps in the road. But eventually it will all pay off. As one social worker told us, "Imagine yourself placed in a foreign country that you have never been to. You don't know the rules, you don't know the language......" Thats what a child feels like being placed in your home.

We are working on our second one. Up until this year, we were'nt ready. 5 yrs later............

[HappyMomAnna]

Mysticah--I just LOVE hearing stories like yours! Your expereince is very typical to that of MANY of us who do adopt an older child from Foster Care and it is So AWESOME that your daughter came around and blossomed! (secreatly gives me great hope with our little girl)

What you have shared is the common road and YES there are stories of things going easier and children just getting right on with life--and there are stories of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) where the children have a horrible time healing if they ever get the right help....Most stories will fall between the two extreams...and MANY MANY families can and do have sucess and homes filled with love and children who become PEOPLE we love and respect...

What you offered your daughter was a chance to be the ONLY child and in many ways that is one of the greatest gifts we can give these hurt children.... Where my concerns come into the biggest play is when we adopt a child and there are OTHER children in the home.... Someone is going to GET less...and the other children will suffer when we have hours and hours of rages...or unbelievable behaviors.... Much of which is very sneaky and covert... We do not want one child to cause three others to suffer from issues they may not be able to deal with...

Things that families with children need to consider are beyond the LOVE and efforts we can offer the hurt child....We must consider the POSSIBILTY of the things that may happen to the other children....sexual abuse, learning to steal, sneak and being a possible target of someone who is HURT and ANGRY. False allegations....also happen fairly often.

We NEED families willing to adopt these children but not to the sacrafice of healthy and unhurt children. When the children in the household are of an age to defend themselves--and be co-parental to the newly placed adoptee then I feel the chances of success are so much greater...

If a child is placed into a home and that child harms the other children it often becomes a choice of protecting the healthy kids and disrupting an adoption.....a disrupted adoption HURTs the child even more and makes attachting in another family even more difficult. Any family who adopts an older child needs to be willing to KEEP that child NO MATTER WHAT.......when no matter what is the harm to another child the issues can be devastating.

[Mysticah]

I am thrilled you understand! It is very very difficult to find any that do understand. I am treated like an alien most of the time

I'm very leery of the abuse carrying on in her. I don't know if she would do anything to a younger sibling. I know she tried when she first came home, but that was the only incident. That is why we couldn't have sleepovers, etc.

Her biggest hurdle now, is the lies! Lying about everything! For no reason. Always stretches the truth. She will come down in blue socks, I say hmmm I thought I left red socks for you. No, no they were blue.......anything to say something opposite! Every situation changes. She tells a story totally opposite of how it happened.

I have emailed the principal over things she has told me teachers say and do...........and it never happened.

We keep struggling. I commend those that adopt babies and international that they never have to go through what we do adopting an abused child. I just don't understand how people can abuse these children in the first place!

Do you know how many times I have said to DH........"I can't do this anymore?" Somewhere I find the strength and do it all over the next day. So many times I wanted to call t he social worker and tell her to come get her.

But as with a birth child.........you can't give them up.