[SISNLAW]

Let me start by saying i am not trying to sound angry with all of you. Just the ones who have a problem with telling your adoptive children that they are adopted and those of u who have a problem with helping your adoptive children find there bio parents when they turn of age if they so wish to do so that is there right and why do u think that u have the right to keep them from there bio parents yes i understand that u did raise them and paid for everything but with out that trust what do u have besides a lie for a relationship which will eventually make your adoptive children hate you for hiding things from them. I am a firm believer that adoptive children should know early in age that they are adopted so it doesnt confusse them later in life and aparents when these children grow up and want to find there bio parents which they will if for nothing else but curiosity be there for them u will not loose them if u are honest and loving towards them and be there for them i just dont understand why you would keep this kind of information from them please help me to understand.

[clion]

I am an adoptee who was very fortunate that my parents always told me I was adopted and was also loved by my bparents very much. But over 60 years ago this was not the thinking of the times. I was just very blessed
One cannot judge why some aparents are not more forthcoming when their child wants to learn about their birthfamily. So many factors are involved and every case is different. If this were a perfect world in the area of adoption and we had crystal balls that could show all the facts searching might be a whole lot easier. But it isn't and it would be nice if one could focus on the positive and remember that the aparents opened their hearts to the child when they chose to adopt them.
I was given the blessing to search for my bfamily and this very day is the 5th anniversary of finding my bmom and spending many wonderful days of sharing and learning about each other.

I have learned to try to not look only at the negative side in situations, but at the positive as well. Aparents have their own feelings and situations to work out also

[RiverGal]

Very well said, Clion.

I think such a generalized question is impossible to answer, as each situation is different.

Take the anger you feel at the adoption laws and channel it into letters to your governor and other representatives to aid in bringing about some much needed adoption reform.

I seriously doubt you will find too many adoptive moms on the forum who would fall in the catagory of amoms you are questioning. The type of person your question is directed to is most likely so far into denial that an adoption forum would be the last place they would land.

Just my opinion...

~Deb

[Mom2J]

Sisnlaw, I hate to say this, but you're preaching to the choir. I think the aparents that are on this board (for the most part) are the aparents that are supportive of all sides of the triad.

I honestly don't understand why someone wouldn't tell their child they're adopted, so I'm definitely with you on that one. It not only denies the child their heritage, but their roots and part of their very being.

It sounds like you've been having some horrible issues with lies from people regarding adoption. I truly am sorry. We're here to listen if you'd like to blow off some steam. (Believe me, we've all needed to do that occasionally.) Maybe someone on this board can also help you figure out some way to proceed with your situation.

K.

[s2jackson]

As an adopted kid, I would of course tell my child they were adopted. Knowing I was picked to be someone's child rather than, oops I got prego, does alot for one's ego. Well, at least it does mine. And you should see a bullie's face when you come back from an adoption crack with, "yeah well my family picked me, yours just got stuck with you."

At what age you tell them, is a parental call. If and when they choice to do it is entirely up to the Aparents. Telling every Aparent that they must from day one tell the child they were adoped would be like telling them they must put the child to bed at 7 pm every day. All parenting decisions including when to tell the child, and if they decided to tell is the job of the parent. Child A may be mature enough to handle knowing they are adopted at 11 however Child B may not be mature enough to know at 41.

And your generalization that ALL adopted kids want to find their birth parents is not at all accuate. I am adopted and have no interest in bios. My aunt is adopted as well, only she was adopted at birth. she has know for a very very long time that she is adopted and has never attempted to find her bio parents. Outside of my family, one of my best friends is adopted. We were both older children. Heaven help our bio fathers if they find us now, we don't want contact and we certainly don't need them. Not to offend any bios, but as far as we are concerned, the people who raised us are our parents. For example, I know of my bio father (I was an older child adoption) and refer to him as the Sperm Donor rather than biological father. I started calling him that about 13 b/c yes, geneticly I'm related but he never earned any title ending in father.

Also as an Adopted child who does not want to be found, I'm happy that the law does not disclose any information to the birth parents. If however, I wanted to be found, I might feel differently. But what if the birth parents don't want to be found either. They wouldn't want the state giving out their information. I have two half siblings that I found out about, and I'm not even interested in locating them. My view on locating bios and it's lack of importance in the sceme of life, is from my family being so open about the whole issue.

As for the point of my reply. Again not to offend any bios, but to tell or not to tell, and when to tell, is a parental decision. This is a decsion entirely up to the Adopted parents. Which shouldn't even be called AParents, but just parents. They earn that right by being there for every cut, every tear, every smile, and every everything. That is what makes a parent a parent, not DNA.

But that is just this adopted child's thoughts on the subject....

[kyliejoysmom]

Hi

Me and my husband our adoptive parents. We got our daughter when she was 3 days old and she is now 15 monthes of course now she isnt old enough to understand but when she is we plan on explaining to her in the absolute best way we can. We honestly believe her birth-parents done this out of pure love and that they wanted her to have a better life than what they thought they could give her. We absolutely respect them and will let our daughter now that they love her so much and if she ever decides to want to see them we wont stop her it will be a hard situation but honesty is always the best policy. We never met the birth-mother but we respect her for not aborting our daughter but giving her life so people like us who cant have kids get a chance to have a family.