[iss36]

Hello everyone,
I have been feeling very lonely lately. I wish I had a close friend or neighbor, another adoptive mom like myself to come over for a visit once a week would like to talk on the the phone instead if email. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I feel blessed to stay home and I am glad, but at times it feels very isolated and lonely.

I started a yahoo group for adoptive and adopting parent In Indiana and I also started a playgroup just for adoptive parents in hopes to find a close friend for my son and myself. I was hoping to meet other women to do things with, they are all real nice , but they all seem to have thier own friends . I guess they were in no need of new friends out side of their group of friends.
I hjust had to vent thnks for reading
km

[cj416]

I know exactly how you feel. Aside from the parents I see up at my oldest sons school and my husband, I really don't ave any adult friends I can talk to or just hang out with. I have some friends from high school but they are all working and mostly in other cities. I have some bad days and others I am ok.

[dl]

Have either of you looked into "MOMS". As I understand it, it is for Mother's of young children. Many of the gatherings are Mother & child and some are MOMS alone. I wouldn't necessarily make an such an effort to segregate yourself to "Adoptive Mothers" only. You are "Mothers". My parents never differentiated themselves from other parents and I never felt my family was "adoptive" because that is how I joined my family.

Other ways to meet people is to go to the gym (many provide on site child care), join a "Mommy & me" exercise or swimming class at the local "Y" (it's amazing how young they start teaching children to swim), take your child to readings at the library or local bookstore, on a nice day go to a neighborhood/local park.

Smile, start a conversation with a friendly face ~ especially with someone that has a child that appears to be of a similar age. Guaranteed you'll have much in common ~ whether their child is adopted or not. As the old saying goes "To have a friend, you need to be a friend". It is harder to make friends as we get older but not impossible.

[HappyMomAnna]

I know exactly how you are feeling--I feel the same way on many days--after raising my bios now I am home again and all my old friends have nothing in common with me

So now I am also on the search--finding it difficult but making progress. I have found that getting involved with school and other activities has given me the chance to meet people...also our church groups have been a great resource. I have tried to join some adult classes like beading and craft groups.....and slowly I seem to be making more and more friends with more in common.

[iss36]

thank you to both of you for replying.
I have tried and still try to meet mom who have not adopted. My problem, is there most moms who I have met have are always younger than me and have 2 or three kids in thier 20's . we just dont have nothing in common. bedsides kids. One of the main reason I look for other adoptive moms is it gives us a common bond and are most in thier 30's or so. and know what it is like to adopt and have infertilty in common. i have joined playgroups and just like before they already have friends and dont want to make new friends . for as joining the Y I cant execrise and it is expensive to join. thank you for the suggestions.
kim

[iss36]

Thanks Anna for replying. I was thinking about joininga mops group. I guess my problem is I cant find anyone who has small children in their late 30's 40's . Be dont belong to a church . we tried but the members like always already have friends and in no meed fora new one.
MaybeI should not have posted should not of this thread.
kim

[dadfor2]

lol....its funny, most of my friends are childless....its amazing how supportive they all were and then when the kids came, we requested no visits for a while due to bonding.

well, where did they all go....lol. i talk on the phone to them, but they dont seem to stop by anymore. not like we all hung at my house before, but it seeems i cant do much with adults like i use to.

lonely....usually just on weekends. I always wish i had other friends, males, with kids, that we can get together and go do things with the kids.

I have two friends, gay men, that adopted, and i hang with them sometimes, but im looking for something more consistant.

but their i am, at a park or something, just me and my kids...boo hoo.....talking to no one.

i think its more diffulcult for men then woman to start chatting up with someone. (i hope that statement was sexist)

its nice to hear im not the only one. I thought it was a male issue. Only cause i see woman at the park talking to all these other woman, and the men i see, stand there, emotionless with their arms crossed like they dont even want to be there....never alone want to talk to someone.

i smile and nod, but, thats all i get back until the head turns...lol

sort of like sitting on a plane with someone with a book, you just know they dont want to be bothered.


dadfor2

[dadfor2]

iss36

i do have a suggestion for you, you might want to look at joining an adoption support group.

its for paretns who adopted kids. its a great support and you never know.

i belong to one, and its free. it meets once a month.

its my lifeline, however, its mostly woman and a few husbands, but we have the youngest kids, most have teenagers, but you never know.

i hear you about other parents with adopted kids vs bio kids, there is a difference.


dadfor2

[HappyMomAnna]

There is nothing wrong with starting this thread--many of us feel the way you are.

It is so funny because when my bios were young most of the people I met were older then me--I had a hard time finding friedns my own age. My best friend for the longest time was a woman who was 25 years older then me! But she was so wonderful because she treated me like a 'regular' mom and spoke to me as an equal--whereas many other the other older moms acted like I didn't exsist and looked past me. When I would try to sign up for a job with the PTA or in the kids classes I felt like I always had a babysitter because often the job would turn into one they decided needed two people!

Now I am on the complete other side! I am one of those Old moms like the friend I met long ago.....I always try very hard to remember how I felt as the young mom and how good I felt that another mature and older mom would treat me like someone she had an interest in being friends with. Sometimes I Still feel odd but, I give the younger moms a chance to be my friend knowing that what we need to have in common is being a mother more then our own age.....

But I do know how strange it feels---and also I think when we get to our 30-40's we are not the same as we were in our 20's. Everyone hung out back then and no one had too much responsibility by the time we get to this point people have made strong friendship and for me there is less fource in making a friendship. In my 20's I wouldn't think twice about taking the lead makng a new friend and calling her everyday--maybe twice a day and hooking up for dinner or asking for paly dates with her kids---now It is like I am always thinking, "I don't want to seem needy or clingy this person has a life--I should call her o often--maybe I should wait for her to call me...."

I have found in my life that sometimes I have to make friendships with people I wouldn't think would be the best friends--and they have turned out to be the BEST--

I think there are a lot of us in the late 30's and 40's who feel this making friends thing and are feeling odd about it?

Another thing I try to remember is that friendships build slower then it used to feel they did......I don't know why but, now I have found I need a lot of friends and I need to give each friendship more time....for busy lives and other relationships and work and all that we have to do.....

Good luck in all of this--and like I said this is a good thread I think this is a problem for a lot of us!

[bumpkin]

I agree with the other posters. We have all been in this situation one way or another...whether through infertility, divorce, adoption, fostering etc...

I have a good friend who brought this issue up with me a few years ago. She called the dilema "family dating" her issue was that sometimes after searching for new friends, you finally find someone that has kids your kids ages, and seems to also want to meet and bond with others, then you meet the spouse and hate them! or they have much older kids that you don't like, or much younger kids than you are use to... or they parent wayyyyyy differently than you do. .... hence the name "family dating" She commented to me that the really hard part is trying to find friends that you connect with on more than one level.

As your kids grow older, you do get "hooked up" more with school, pta etc... It does take effort though, to make and keep friends.

I thinkthe adoption support group is a great idea, do you have a resolve chapter near you? sometimes they have a handle on these kinds of groups.

Good luck.... and don't worry if you are open, it will happen. Probably when you least expect it.

Good Luck,


Bumpkin

[iss36]

Ok lets try this again. I posted this once already but it did not post.

Thank you all very much for posting.

dadfor2, my husband is in the same place as you. He is 41 and his friends children are teens or older and does not want to be bothered with a 2 year old . As for support groups There isnt any around me. which I am so surprised. but itis true.

Anna,
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I think i try to be friends with everyone.It is usually me who does all the calling, emailing, setting up playdates. call people to see if they want to meet for dinner. i just dont get no feed back or everyone is too busy and dont have time.

Bumpkin, that is too funny family dating but so true.
thanks again all.
kim