[hopin 2 b a mom]

our home study is complete and now we only have four weeks to wait for our baby to be born. I spoke with the birth mother this evening and she asked if I would send pictures and letters as her child grows up. It had been discussed from the beginning that we did not want future contact with our birthmom, she had agreed and stated that she was moving out of the country after the baby was born. Now she has decided to stay in the town that she lives in and would like pictures every once in a while to see how her child is growing. Has anyone any advise. Is this a wise thing to do. My Husband and I were planning on chaning our phone number (unlisted) and eventually moving after the adoption was final. I guess she just completely threw me for a loop. I did not expect this. I do not mind an occasional picture, but I really feel uncomfortable with keeping close contact with her. Any help would be great. Thank You.

[BrandyHagz]

Why do you feel uncomfortable?

I have a hard time understanding “closed adoption” in today’s day and age, I guess.

Just remember, don’t make any promises you cant keep…in the end, it wont only hurt the birthmother, but it will hurt the child, and quit possibly your relationship, as well.

[Sharon]

If the p-birthmother now wants an open adoption and you do not, then I think it would be wise to decline the match.
I agree with Brandy, you should not agree to anything you are not comfortable with; neither should the birthmom.
There are other birthparents out there who want closed adoptions; there are adoptive parents out there who want open ones. I think you might each do better to seek a different situation than to try to compromise on something like this; even the best of compromises will probably leave you feeling uncomfortable and her feeling unsatisfied.
I'm not knocking your preference for closed adoption, and I'm not going to suggest that you "educate yourself", etc. I'm sure you already have. It sounds like you know what you want. So, I think you need to match with a birthmom who prefers a closed adoption. I realize that you thought you HAD already, but it happens sometimes that people change their minds. Now that she's changed her mind about contact, you are no longer compatible, and I think you should both look elsewhere.
I wish you the best of luck.
~ Sharon

[JaelynElise]

When you said you were planning on changing your phone number and moving after the adoption was final, are you doing all this solely to avoid the birthmother being able to contact you in the future or for another reason? I'm just curious b/c if it is the former, it sounds as if you are VERY concerned with keeping the adoption closed, and if that is the case, I agree with Sharon. You and this birthmom may no longer be a match.

[Shoshana]

If the potential birth mother wants contact (even pictures) after the birth, and you're thinking of moving and changing your phone number, then it seems to me that the only ethical thing to do would be to bow out.

In my opinion as an adoptee from the 'closed adoption era', and in my professional experience, open adoptions can be much healthier for the child (assuming the birth mother is not abusive, etc.).

I've seen birth mothers post here with broken hearts because the adoptive parents have closed what they thought was to be an open adoption, and yes, sometimes even apparently disappeared.

I know this must be terribly frightening and disappointing. But if you're going to raise an adopted child to be a stable and healthy person, then I think it's absolutely critical that you learn as much as you can about adoption -- and what all it entails -- including open adoption.

Best wishes.

[Resseda]

I'm a birthmom, and I agree with the other posters. If you're not comfortable with the open adoption, bow out now and allow the bmom to find a couple more compatible to her wishes, and you can too. I'm sure you have a lot invested emotionally if not financially, but bowing out now is the right thing to do.

Whatever you do, don't agree and then not carry through. It is the worst kind of betrayal.

Ress

[patrisha]

I too agree that you should pass.

If you agree to her requests, then betray her by disappearing, your new life with this child will have begun in deceit. Is that what you want to explain when you child seeks out his/her birth parent and hears the truth?

The reunion trend that's opening adoption records all over the country is not going away. The internet connects people from all over the world. How long do you really think you could hide anyway?

If in your heart you cannot participate in any level of an open adoption, then move on. Of course, there is no guarantee the next young woman will not change her mind, too. Usually when the baby starts to really move around and appear on a ultrasound they transition from a "pregnancy" to a very "real baby".

The pbirthmom may also hear or read more about the merits open adoptions. If they are being dealt fairly with, then they know they are not required to abide by the terms of any agreement until after the child is born and (if applicable) the waiting period is over.

I wish you luck. I do hope you re-evaluate your position before anyone is subjected an unnecessary emotional hardship.

Trish

[hopin 2 b a mom]

I just want to say thanks to every one who has been so honest. I have since spoken with my birthmother and we have come to an agreement we can both live with. My reasons for moving and changing our phone number is for the protection of our child and at the discretion of my attorney. As I stated before, I do not object to occasional card or letter just did not understand the sudden change of her needs. She had told me from the beginning that she never felt maternal, and did not want any future contact with her child. Our match was made through a family friend so hooking up with another birth mother is not an option here. There is just a lot to my story. I am just glad that we both could all to an agreement on this, I did not want to feel uncomfortable about the situation, and now that she has shed new light on it I am more understanding of what it is she wants and why. This is all very scarey and new. It is definately a learning process. Thanks again.