[wenrl]

Hello everyone!

My partner and I had our homestudy approved in Rhode Island (where we live) in January and have been looking and waiting ever since. Recently, we became interested in a girl in Massachusetts. We spoke with her social worker's recruiter and had our homestudy forwarded to her social worker. It sounds like a good match TO US, but how long does it normally take for a social worker to call if it also looks like a good match TO HER? Also, if someone else is a better match or we just aren't the right parents, will someone call us anyway? I guess we had unreal expectations once our homestudy was submitted. It has been almost 3 weeks and we expected to get a call telling us something by now. Has anyone else been in this particular situation? Should we expect to wait much longer to hear anything? I expect every phone call to be the one we are waiting for and it is driving me crazy. At least if I knew reviewing a homestudy can take months, I could calm down a little. Thanks.

W

[Opus]

Hi W,

If you are going through the state, be prepared to wait. Our experience has been that the wheels turn very slow when you're dealing with DSS.

However, it wouldn't hurt if you knew the social worker's name and what regional office he/she works out of and make contact with them directly. Most SWs have extemely large caseloads and often don't get to inquiries for months after they get them. Or call the recruiter again and often.

We've found that being assertive with the system helps. Good luck and hang in there.

[DianeS]

Are you talking about adoption from foster care? If you are, then most workers will have a date where they'll review all the homestudies they've received on a particular child, and pick the best match.

However, what date they'll do that often isn't known. It takes a really organized, timely worker to know when she'll do that very far in advance. Many workers simply get to doing that on a day when they don't have any emergencies to deal with - and that can be any time from tomorrow until next summer. Sometimes it takes more than the one worker, too - sometimes a committee or even a judge is involved - and then you have their schedules to deal with as well.

Most workers are too overloaded to telephone to anyone other than the matched family after the matching is done. Most people hear nothing if they aren't chosen.

It wouldn't hurt to contact that worker and ask if she knows when she'll make her decision. Make sure she's received your homestudy, and ask if she has any questions for you.

If you're talking about a different type of adoption, then I don't know the answer. Good luck either way!

[wenrl]

Thank you DianeS and DadToTwo! I didn't realize what kind of process was involved from this point. It helps knowing what to expect and that everything in this process takes time. It also helps me to remember that we didn't get into this just for ourselves, but also to help a child through some rough times and create a sense of safety and stability. Whether or not we are the chosen family (even if I selfishly hope we are) is not what is really important. That the child finds the best match is really what it is all about. At least now I can focus on the rest of my life instead of obsessing about when the phone will ring. Thanks a bunch.
Wendy

[dadfor2]

hi

keep calling keep calling keep calling

but be polite, they might say "i will find out" then you shold ask, "when will i be hearing from you?"

this way, you let them give you the dates, and if you dont hear anything, then call the next day.

make sure you document every conversation and get names and dates.

i hate to say this, some social workers are so burnt out, for good reason, that they need a little dynamite to go do something.

as long as you have your records, then you can start calling their supervisors if need be, but i would wait for that, you dont want to come across as a *&^%.

again, i would pester them, but do it politely and be very understanding.

how is your social worker in RI, can she help at all? maybe she can do some of the phone calls also so it doesnt seem like your calling all the time.

we were big on the phone calls, and it didnt take long at all.

good luck

dadfor2

[HopefulIPs]

Hi wenrl, i am from ri too!

what agency did you go thru? what is your status? did you go thru the state?

andrea

[wenrl]

We went through the state and are interested in older special needs adoption. It has been a long wait. It has been over 10 months since our homestudy was approved and after not getting a match or hearing anything through Rhode Island since then, we also registered with Massachusetts, found a child that we are interested in and had our homestudy sent to her social worker. I thought waiting for any call was tough, but waiting for a call with a particular child in mind is even more anxiety-producing. We keep telling ourselves that if we are not the chosen parents for this child, it is only because someone else lives closer to her siblings or has more experience with special needs adoption. We try to remember that her social workers are trying to do what is best for her, but it is hard to imagine how we will feel if we are not selected as a good match for her. We are excited and hopeful, but also preparing to not take a rejection personally.

If you need to let off some waiting steam, feel free to e-mail me.

Wendy

[sbniles]

My advice to you:

You and your partner are your best advocates. Keep calling, show enthusiam. State workers are extremely busy. Keep calling! Good luck

[liz4]

Wenrl,
Hi, I was just going through your threads and I can really feel for how your whole life can be taken over by falling in love with a child that you feel should be part of your family.
I was just hoping that the child you were talking about has been placed?
I live in Maine and may be adopting from Mass. and was kind of curious about how all that interstate stuff works.
Anyway I wish you the best of luck and I know you will end up with the child that was ment to be yours.
Liz

[wenrl]

Thanks for your interest. Nothing yet on placement for us. I took everyone's advice and did some calling and e-mailing. I got a fairly good dialogue going with the child's social worker and therefore know that her decision will be made sometime after the holidays. I also know that although we may be in the running, so to speak, the worker thinks we may be a little too far from where she would like to place the child. Ultimately, she will place the child with the right match, but the closer to her current home, the better. So our ups and downs on this side are pretty intense.

It has been two months since we initially expressed interest and the waiting gets worse everyday! While waiting, we got a room completely finished for whoever our child will be and did a lot of reading on issues relating to older special needs adoption. We have good days and bad as far as thinking we will clearly be the best match for this child or don't have a good enough home study to compete.

If I could change one thing about this process, I would make it more difficult to adopt. I guess that sounds strange, but by that I mean I wish someone would visit our home again, call us with questions or test us on attachment issues. I feel like our homestudy isn't enough to really show our potential at being really great parents. I wish the social workers had more time to really look into us, because we are fabulous! Allow me to brag by saying we are so much better in person than on paper . Or maybe what I am saying is it is difficult to relinquish so much control to someone else for something as important as what child should or should not join our family. I wish we had more say at this stage than what we have on paper.

How about you? Why are you looking into MA and how far are you into the adoptive process?

[liz4]

Hi wenrl,
It was so great to get such a quick reply back from you. It is so great to be able to talk with someone that is as into this as I am. Of course my husband is but I have no close friends that have adopted or plan to adopt so even though my friends are interested and happy for me they don't quite get the research and heart that is involved in this journey.
I have alway known I would adopt at least one child in my lifetime. From before I was even married. Inow have 3 bio kids (2 boys and a girl)
As to how far I am in the adoption process....not very.
I got real serious around September 2003. I looked into international I think mostley becasue of the wonderful websites to view the beautiful children out there around the world. I then realized the expense of this was beyond what we could comfortabley do.
So then we looked into domestic private adoption. We had a meeting with a local agency and really did love the place. Pretty much the cost would be about 10k to about 12k. And this way I would be able to do the infant thing again which I really want to be able to do.
But the more I look into adopting from the foster care system the more it seem like the right way for us.
So the first meeting with the state we can make it to together is in February!!! A whole month away. But from what I understand we can get our application from that meeting and go from there.
I've been looking into adoptinig from Mass. and Floriday because of the children I have seen on the websites. We are basically interested in a child younger or about the same age as my daughter (she is now two and a half) but on the MARE sit of Mass. I feel in love with a beautiful 6 year old girl that I can't get out of my mind.
I hope I haven't bored you and I hope you hear soon from the SW .
Liz

[wenrl]

Hi again. No, thank you for the quick response! Adoption is a mild obsession for us and we love to talk about it.

I imagine that you are going to register through Maine first? We registered through Rhode Island originally. We had to take an 11 week course, which was really good, because it introduced us to the issues we may face in adoption. Our trainer/social worker also had people who have adopted come in and talk to us and answer our questions, which was my favorite part. One thing we learned is that most of the children available for adoption through the state (at least in Rhode Island) are never listed on the website. When we were beginning this process, our worker told us there were around 500 children whose parental rights were going to be terminated in Rhode Island in the near future. I don't know how true this turned out to be, but there certainly isn't anywhere near this amount on our state site and Rhode Island never or at least almost never lists on any of the national sites. This is to say that looks can be deceiving. Here, we have our own social worker and she submits our homestudy for us, for children that may never go on the website. We don't even know if and when our homestudy is out unless there is a match. However, this hasn't happened in a year, so after talking to our worker, we decided to register in MA. I don't know if it is a law or a recommendation, but our worker asked us to wait three months after our homestudy was complete to look into another state.

I first became interested in adoption around 5 years ago, but since I was working almost full-time and completing my degree full-time, it wasn't a good time to be truly serious. I did start reading and I would recommend reading anything you can get your hands on about adoption. I don't know what you've done or read, so excuse me if you already know this... I HIGHLY recommend "Adopting the Hurt Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child". These books are both tough and give some serious examples, which if you have to go through a class like we did, you'll be introduced to anyway.

I don't know if you can get any information without a homestudy. In fact, I think not, but I can tell you from my tiny experience that once you have one, you can get a lot of extra information on the children featured on the websites. I've heard a lot of negative things about state social workers, but those that I have spoken with were very concerned with giving us ALL of the information they could about the child we are interested in. They didn't "sugar-coat" her at all. In fact, they told us a lot of harsh stuff, because they want to be sure we are serious and not expecting the little darling to be, well... just a little darling. They really do seem to have her best interests at heart.

I don't know if you can express interest in a child without a homestudy or not, but you should give it a try for the child you are interested in. Maybe if you meet the needs of this child and can get a homestudy relatively quickly, the worker will wait to make a decision. I don't know... I am making this up, but it couldn't hurt to find out.

Best of luck,
Wendy

[HopefulIPs]

Hi Wendy,

Just wanted to poke my head in to say hi to you and let you know that i am thinking of you!

Happy new year!

andrea

[dadfor2]

hi wendy,

any news?

one thing i have said to myself when we were going through this process.

when we were interested in a sibling group, brothers, older. There were a few families that were also interested in them. But we waited and made the phone calls.

but one thing we always said to ease our minds, "the boys will be in the best family for them and not what we think is best for them" We fell in love with them before we even met them....lol. God did we pray that they will be ours.

Oh, by the way, im dad for two boys.

hope all goes well for you and your partner
dadfor2

[liz4]

Hi WEndy,
Yes we will be regiistering in Maine of course. I think we will need to take a 24 hr course. They offer it in 8 week night courses or 3 Saturdays. I think we will try to do it the 3 Sat. way if possible.
Pretty sure we have to complete the classes before they will do a homestudy.
Hope that won't take too long.. HOw long did yours take?
I have also heard that each state usually has many more children then are on their websites. I think so many of the babies and toddlers get adopted by the foster families. See we really want a girl that can grow up close to our 2 year old so I don't really plan on going much older than that but when I saw Arianna I was ready to change my gameplan. I did inquire about her but even though I poured my heart out in the inquire (they probably thought I was a nut case Ha) all they could say was as soon as my homestudy was complete they would forward all information to her caseworker. What ever is best for her is all I really want. I look at her picture dailey and pray for her to find the family she belongs to. Anyway that probably is not normal I don't know but it's just me.
When I first knew for sure we were going to do this (adopt) I set up a time line. To have my daughter in 2005 but now I don't want to wait that long. oF COURSE i will and may just have to. I am very fortunate to have the wonderful family that loves me and has the same hopes and dreams that I have. Hope to hear from you when you have the time.
PS . All that schooling you did...what was it for?
Liz