[TStrickland2001]

I have a general question for those who have adopted through the state.

DH and I are looking for a newborn-age 5 child, and maybe a sibling no older than 5. Is there anyone who's looking for about the same and had or is having success with going through the state. We are ok with waiting for awhile if necessary. I just wanna hear other success stories about adopting through the state.

Thanks!!

[HappyMomAnna]

We are about to finalize our adoption our daughter was 5 and her brother was almost 1 when they were placed with us. So we got two in the ages you are considering!!! Our children are healthy and mostly very well adjusted. Our daughter of course has several issues but most of them are due to spending the first four years of her life living in a shopping cart.
It took us about a year from the day we turned in our paperwork and another year to finalize..... It has been a great experience even with all the fear and concern about the issues we might have faced.
Good luck on your journey

[ladyjubilee]

I hope you have better luck than I....at this point I've given up on adopting from foster care in NC. For all the "need" for homes out there, no one in the system wants to answer the phone, return a phone call or keep an appointment.

I'm just going to go with an overseas older child adoption.

[frances93]

I don't know if you were asking specifically about your state or asking if anyone has had success.

We want to adopt 0mo to 6 years and got a call last Thursday for siblings 5mo and 18mo through the state. We have been going through this process since last January.

If all goes well, I'm sure we'll adopt

Good luck.

[susanlowman]

Just wanted to let you know it can happen!!

We are currently foster-to-adopt of a 3yo boy and a 9month old girl (another baby due in 2004).....Also a couple that was in our MAPP class are foster-to-adopt of 2 girls ages 1yo & 4yo.

YES, we are working the DSS here in North Carolina! Actually my social worker told me they had such an intake of infants and toddlers that they are out of pre-approved foster homes for infants/toddlers now (and asked would I consider taking on more)

Good luck!

[carycouple]

Susan thanks for that posts - and thanks to others here too!

We start MAPPs tonight for foster to adoption and are working with Children's Home Society.

We've done all the paperwork except the fire, medical and fingerprints and our first visit at home from the SW is on the 30th.

My husband and I are looking for 1-2 children, no preference with sex, from 2-10 years old with mild problems.

After reading this thread, I'm heading to MAPPs training with some good vibes.

I'm curious if there is anything you all would suggest in this process to help - anything you did or read... thanks!

[wendy34]

I just want to say this. Please be careful. I know of a situation right now in our county where the infant was 12 days old and was taken to a family to adopt him. The mother was no good she done drugs in other words you name she did it. The dad didnt care anything about him. But after he was put with this family all of the sudden the dad wanted his sister to get the baby. When DSS took the baby to the adopted family DSS told them that 99.9% that they would get to adopt him. But all that changed right before Christmas. On Jan. 5 DSS came and got the baby and took him to his dads sister house. The family was very heart broken. They have tried and tried to have their own children but no luck.

My husband and I done foster care also. We wanted to do foster/adopt. It didn't work out for us either. We personally didnt like the way our county handles problems. I'm not trying to scare you away I'm just saying be careful working with DSS. GOOD LUCK!!!!

[HappyMomAnna]

There are great stories of the Foster to adoption programs and there are many people who have been able to adopt an infant that was placed with them as a Foster to adoption situation. BUT--please keep in mind that Foster parents are FIRST asked to work toward reunification and that is the number one goal of Children Services PERIOD.

My advice is that if a family is interested in Adoption and wants to use the State Foster Care system to find their child then go in as an ADOPTION family from the start. No--the odds are you will not have a newborn placed--but sometimes they do come up.

There is a great big difference from telling your state that you will accept a child for adoption--and telling the state you are willing to WORK as Foster Families and accept adoption if is comes up. It is NOT the state that is missleading families--it is families who are failing to hear the truth in training and believing that they will rise above the realitites of returning a child to the biological families.

Please listen very carefully to your classes and understand that as a Foster Family you are accepting the risks of ANY child placed with you being returned to the family or extended family. It is easy to be blinded by what you hear--think it won't happen to you--and believe you are ammune to this truth. Most families I know of who have been able to adopt an infant placed as a Foster child have had to return 5-10-20 infants before one actually became adoptable.

Right now there are a number of families entering the foster parent program ONLY for the purpose of adopting an infant. Please consider the fact that there are many children who are WAITING for parents to love them--while it might seem they are all messed-up and have big problems the truth is no child is simple to raise and all children have one issue or another at some point in their lives..... Over 57% of children placed into Foster care ARE returned to their PARENT with another percentage being placed with a relative. The odds are that you will Foster more then one baby before you adopt--

EXpect a broken heart! This is the deal you make when you offer to provide a safe home for children in the Foster Parent system. The state is not offering a Foster to Adopt family any promise an adoption will take place--it is always a maybe--an if and only a possiblity. If adoption is your goal it is your responsibility to inform your caseworker that adoption is what you want and that working with families under horribly stressful situations in order to see REUNIFICATION is NOT something you can personally deal with.

There are a lot of ways to achieve adoption. Using the Foster Care system is only one way and if you wish to have an infant no matter what way you choose to adopt a COST is usually paid. Adoption from foster care cost little to nothing--except that NOT EVERY CHILD you FOSTER will be Adopted. It is the cost we pay.

[carycouple]

Thanks for all the thoughts!

Actually, we are 'foster-adopt' only, so we we'll be just a foster parents for the child we plan to adopt.

We don't want an infant. Two is the bottom line we are saying but we'd prefer 4-8 actually. And we'll take 1 or 2 kids. So based on what we've heard, we have a decent chance of finding a match if we are patient enough to wait things out for a year or so if needed.

[HappyMomAnna]

Great!

Did you already have one of your classes?

For us we found that collecting all the info was important--and keeping it all in a big box---because later down the road we have found ourselves searching for that one piece of paper was saw once way back when!

Even if you feel you will avoid certain 'issues' a child might come with--KEEP everything as even with the best efforts the caseworkers don't always know everything your child or children might come to you with!

READ and read as much as you possible can about the various things children may face during adoption and after. ALSO do not forget to keep it all in perspective--as not every problem a child has is just about adoption. Some kids just tantrum--it might not just be about attachment and many especially on these forums will press issues you might feel are really not about the child you have placed. I have found the books on parenting that do not focus on adoption just as valuable as those that do.

If you understand as much of the language as possible you will be able to read between the lines once you start looking at the waiting children--and often there are issues you will need to read between the lines. Every family is able to handle different things so the better you are able to decide what your family can handle the better your match will be.

And when you do start looking at the kids don't get over excited or discouraged and make acceptions you might later regret! The caseworkers are used to this and they don't judge if you decide you need to pass on a placement. Often they will present you with a child who does not meet the requirements you have said you are able to accept---it is hard to pass but working for a good start is always in the whole families best interest.

While you are going through all of this----take time to be romantic and with each other because once it happens it all changes and you will wish you had spent more time with each other rather then stressing over the process......VACATION. I will always thank my lucky stars we took some time to relax and be together before we got the children.

It is difficult to get ready for something you are not sure of---so I just advise getting yourself ready! Take time for long hot baths and getting in shape---and doing a few of your fav things.....because the first year after placement goes by fast and you get little done!

Work with your caseworker and call often! Keep in touch--remember they are used to the majority of people dropping out along the way--so keep on them...we sent Tahnk you notes and left voice mails after hours just letting them know we were excited and thanked them for the care they took with the children.

We also only accepted our children as adoption placements. There can still be risks but it is far safer then Fostering to adoption. Our siblings didn't have the TPR (termination of parental rights) done when we brought them home--it was scary but in most cases if the adoption plan has been made there are few hang-ups.

Best of luck and the road you are about to walk is full of ups and downs--the waiting is the hardest part---until you have to deal with the first tantrum!

[carycouple]

-We just got home actually from the first three hours of class!

-I'm really anal retentive about paperwork, so we've got all this color coded stuff for the foster and adoption paperwork in envelopes etc. A friend told me the best thing she ever did was make copies of everything in case they were lost or needed a second copy.

-I just finished "Parenting an older child" by Dr. Brenda McCreight - it was scary but that's ok.

I've got adoption for dummies just for a basic one. And "raising your adoptive child" to start next.

Any recommendations of good books you can pass on would be great.

Good idea about the parenting books in general. We are first time parents and come from small families (only child and one of two) so we don't have a ton of experience.

-we are just starting learning the code phrases. We actually talked some tonight about what redirection to academic issues means (ADD/AHDH) and needs to be the only or youngest child (possible sexual abuse).

-my husband is a real cool customer, so I feel like I have someone to be the non-emotional person. he is very aware of his strengths and limits, and I know he'll help keep me from taking on a situation too much.

-good idea on the vacation - we are trying to decide about making our plans and just kinda put it on hold for a bit. Sounds like we should go ahead and do it.

-ooh good idea on thank you notes.

-That's the plan we are going with too - only taking Legal Risk kids... no TPR yet. One of the CHS social workers says she's only had one of them actually not get the TPR and in that case the kids weren't even in the new home. And 6 months later, it happened all over again.

Anna, thank you so much. This is some wonderful advice!