[Bryan]

My home study was denied pending a psychological evaluation according to the commissioner's letter to my SW. When I inquired as to what would cause this, I was told "You were once a foster kid, therefore you are required to take the full battery evaluation".

Mind you the full battery is 10-15 tests, costs thousands upon thousands of dollars, takes weeks to complete, and hardly shows anything a judge would be interested in (ie, my Verbal IQ).

Has anyone been categorialized as "questionable" or "unfit" based on their once being a foster kid? (I was a foster kid 20 years ago).

Here in Az, we have no specific rights so I can't challenge it.


B

[HappyMomAnna]

I completely understand how you are feeling right now---and yes I did too have to go through these tests along with some additional counceling before my homestudy was completed. For the same reason you have been and for being a victim of sexual abuse as a child
I don't know what kind of adoption you are wanting to achieve but, has your caseworker said any of the costs might be re-paid or do you have access to any public insurance?
I was able to do the testing at a clinic who charged on a sliding scale and also provided other mental health services. My reguar doctor was also able to help. It did cause delays to our homestudy and was terribly disapointing when it all hit the fan.....but, your caseworker should be able to help you?
This does not mean you will not get your homestudy finished. And it is sad that being a Foster Child in the long past leads to this stupid red-flag------it is psycho-babble and all the BS about cycles repeating and being sure what mostivates us to become parents ourselves.... I just went with the fact that my experiences ended up well and made me who I am today. I also had to answer to the fact that I do not fear taking action when I experience depression....and I felt I would be a good mother for a child who might have genetic mental health issues having lived that life and known what the signs are, and that there is help.
This is a road block but, not the end of the road....I guess if we take ourselves out of the situation we can try to give the system some logical excuse for this whole line of bull..... It does not make the schock any less hard to face.... We can only hope these methods change in the future. My little girl wants to adopt her kids too and I hate to think how hard it will be since she was a foster child who was adopted at 5! If anyone can understand how this is great for the children I would think it is those of us who have seen it from a childs eyes.
Being asked to take all of these tests was shameful for me again as an adult and I almost never ever talk about this issue here on the boards.... It is sad the system has made me shame something that happened so long ago and was never in my control...... I think some of us Adults should protest to see this raod block changed, or that the State who was responsible for putting us into Foster Care should pay the bills for this stuff now! I may case my parents were completely inocent and it took months to get me back---in my case I could have had some bitter feelings about it all..... But, I can tell you it has been worth the tests and exams and letters and proff to get to where I am today as an adoptive mother...........funny no one asked me to do this when I was a 21 year old mother of two birth children....I could have actually used this all much more way back then!
I only got my homestudy moved forward by pushing it and doing the tests they believed I should have done. I wrote letters to my state and basically begged..... one little thing I mentioned to the state but never had to actually do was a discrimination case----why is what happened in our childhood a rule out for adoption?..... A rational person would think we would be the BEST people.
Sorry this is happening to you............... AZ is a pretty good adoption state, I would start contacting everyone in the Government and go to the top of the system with letters.....and if that does not get you help there is always the media.....but, most of us would rather not go public with all this stuff.
I have this feeling when we adopt through the state it is theri upmost goal to weed out the weak and those who will not look for answers to problems we face....after all most of our children coming out of the system need parents who will not take no for an answer......sometimes i think it is a test to see if we will fight for what ever our needs are and then prove we will do the same for the children we have placed? Who knows but it sure is rotten and a lot of work. It sounds like you have the same wording in your notice as I had in mine---'Pending' which means to me you are not out of the game, just have to find out which tests and rules they want you to play by........ I called my county mental health department and got the help going there.... Good luck and don't give up.....
i guess it would be a sad thing if a child who was hurt really bad in the system grew up to use the system to hurt back.... I guess the states just have to protect themselves from the very people they worked so hard to protect once? I don't understand it all but, am very happy I am about to finalize on my siblings....... My delay was only a few weeks and most of the costs I was able to find coverage for......

[Bryan]

Thanks for the encouragement!!

I agree. I don't feel too bad being asked to take the MMPI, but what I do feel bad about is the reasons: Fostered, single, male, claims of being straight. So, I have to take the MMPI to show being fostered didn't make me batty, and a verbal challenge from the psychologist to show I am not a closest homo or pedophile.

The end justifies the means, but only to a certain point. You can go too far so as to be labeled obsessive/compulsive, etc. The line has to be drawn somewhere.

[HappyMomAnna]

yeah, I am sure a single male has a whole lot of junk to get past....... I suppose they have to be real careful and on one hand I guess we can't blame them..... it would be horific if a young boy was placed into the home of a pedofile --- But, it is horrible that being a single male would automatically point to something so vile! This world is going down the tubes and I often think normal men are being put through so much just to be considered normal. It sometimes seems like a man has to live on the defensive every single day---every where you go. I hope I live long enough to see things change in this area.

If it makes you feel any better and if you are a closet gay----In our state you would be considered a GREAT home! Oregon has legal adoption for gay couples......

If it means anything I actually found the testing and counseling to be nice for me and it felt good in a preverted way to have some stamp of approval that I was actually OK..... odd but true. Good luck

[Bryan]

But the facts are straight forward: 40% of all pedophiles are women, it's not all men. Women pedophiles focus primarily only older children, not infants, and goes widely unreported. None of the single women that I know who have adopted, or are getting approved, have had any of the trouble I've had.

I have a 16 yo boy already. He's hardly a molested child, has really cute girl friend, and is one of the most well centered kids his age that I know of. But that means nothing. I've already parented one other kid, now 31, who is my brother from the foster home I was in... our foster father died when he was still young and I took on the responsibility of putting him thru school, etc. He marrys next June, is pretty stable in his life, and, again, remains unmolested (by me, but his fiance is another story :-)

Yeah, I'm on the defensive.

In Arizona, if I was a homosexual, I'd have more kids than a schoolhouse and without a home study. To me, and in my opinion, it's immoral, disgusting, degrading. But, again, that's my own opinion and I don't expect people to agree [I am very conservative on this issue, liberal on others]. {Personal attacks on individuals or agencies will not be tolerated. Community Websites are intended to be a positive, safe place for everyone. If you read a post and your views differ please respond in a kind and respectful manner. Some of the situations posted on the forums are complex. Please express your thoughts respectfully in a manner that is helpful and courteous.}

Bryan

[MrsCinderella]

What ???????
Because I was in foster care I have to go through some tests?
How much does this cost and how do I do the tests now?

I was in foster care because
1. My mom felt I was out of control.. lol I wasnt. She just chose her men over me.
2. I lived on my own at age 16 but still went to school
3. I was in a group home for awhile because I ran away from my foster home as well as I ran away from the group home because I didnt want to be there. I just didnt belong! I didnt do any of the same things that those kids do!

My mom was bad on drugs, an alchoholic and didnt care about me. She's admitted this all to me recently so what do I need to do now???????

[HappyMomAnna]

If you have not started your homestudy be ready to talk about everything in your life--your past--present and the ways you plan to have a stable unshaken future. If you are wishing to adopt a newborn it may be all the decision of a birthmother as to which family she chooses to place her baby with and she may decide what she can accept or not in the family she chooses. If you are adopting from the state everything that has brought you to this decision will matter.
Those of us who have been in the system do need to talk about it...... and often we are asked to have additional mental health evaluations, humans are not God and when deciding on the life of a child humans have to do their bests to insure the child is in the best possible home. The requirments to adopt are not the same as giving birth...... People are responsible for the decisions they make and those people have to do their best to be sure the best interest of the child is the only thing that matters.
Your Homestudy will go over things you never dreamed had anything to do with being a parent. Adoption is a more legally binding contract then birth! It is a long process and there are a number of things that have to be considered. Our childhood and how we lived as a child has everything to do with who we become....
by the time your homestudy is done your casewrker will know things about you that you had forgotten, didn't think mattered or believed made you a stronger person. By the time the homestudy is finished your worker will know almost everything about you and your home..... it is part of the sacrifice we make in order to have children placed into our care.... it is hard, takes time and requires open and honest work.
Best of luck....

[MrsCinderella]

Its hard to tell whom is being replied to! lol
Me or someone else.

Okay, so i should leave out my foster care and all that jazz?
Cant they find out?

I havnet begun any process yet. I've been researching today.

[MrsCinderella]

We are not doing a newborn. We are doing older children.. ie. 2 and 4 years old.

[Bryan]

Elefant99--

The opinion of placing a child in a home with an "inverted male" (that's the psychological term, look it up) is hardly "extreme." To you, it's more politically correct not to say anything about it. Liberals love to control people's speech, have you ever met a conservative of your nature? I think not.

I refuse to adopt any child that is better placed in a mom&dad household, period. If I take something away from a youngster like that, I'd feel very guilty. I'm adopting children that are simply unplacable in a home with a female figure, but who also need a strong MALE role model. I'm not adopting a baby to "play house."

I'm glad you're a teacher, I hope that you are a good one, the world needs better teachers. If you were a good teacher, no matter your sexual situation, I wouldn't care if my 16 yo was in your class. More power to you both.

As far as your friend being a SW, I'm okay with that too. My feelings are-- a child should be placed in a home where they will and can experience a "normal" home. Your situation would certainly not be one of those. And for many kids, being placed with me as a single dad would not be appropriate either... I'm simply opened to older children who can accept a single parent and cannot [at least immediately] be placed in a two parent home [yes, I hope to marry someday].

I see nothing extreme about what I've said.

b

[Bryan]

Are you in Arizona? Try www.aask-az.com, they're a great agency to go thru, I highly recommend them.

Start now! It takes a LONG time to do this process. For me, it's been 1 year 3 weeks. There are a lot of things to do ... LONG before any child is placed with you... you have to take about 9 weeks worth of classes, read books, get finger printed, get home study done, and wait for the results to come back.

So what you are thinking about things, you could be working on these rather long and drawn out requirements in the meantime :-)

Goodluck!

Originally posted by MrsCinderella
Its hard to tell whom is being replied to! lol
Me or someone else.

Okay, so i should leave out my foster care and all that jazz?
Cant they find out?

I havnet begun any process yet. I've been researching today.

[Bryan]

I agree! Be open!!

In my home study, they wanted 10 references... they called 5 of them at random, and the other 5 had to write 2 page essays. Five of them must be friends, the other 5 are family [if possible].

So, don't lie! Don't hold back. Don't "forget" anything. Just be opened, be yourself, and above all, Cinderella, "Be all You can be"... [I always wanted to say that to a Cinderella... :-]

B

Originally posted by HappyMomAnna
If you have not started your homestudy be ready to talk about everything in your life--your past--present and the ways you plan to have a stable unshaken future. If you are wishing to adopt a newborn it may be all the decision of a birthmother as to which family she chooses to place her baby with and she may decide what she can accept or not in the family she chooses. If you are adopting from the state everything that has brought you to this decision will matter.
Those of us who have been in the system do need to talk about it...... and often we are asked to have additional mental health evaluations, humans are not God and when deciding on the life of a child humans have to do their bests to insure the child is in the best possible home. The requirments to adopt are not the same as giving birth...... People are responsible for the decisions they make and those people have to do their best to be sure the best interest of the child is the only thing that matters.
Your Homestudy will go over things you never dreamed had anything to do with being a parent. Adoption is a more legally binding contract then birth! It is a long process and there are a number of things that have to be considered. Our childhood and how we lived as a child has everything to do with who we become....
by the time your homestudy is done your casewrker will know things about you that you had forgotten, didn't think mattered or believed made you a stronger person. By the time the homestudy is finished your worker will know almost everything about you and your home..... it is part of the sacrifice we make in order to have children placed into our care.... it is hard, takes time and requires open and honest work.
Best of luck....

[Bryan]

Elefant99--

The opinion of placing a child in a home with an "inverted male" (that's the psychological term, look it up) is hardly "extreme." To you, it's more politically correct not to say anything about it. Liberals love to control people's speech, have you ever met a conservative of your nature? I think not.

I refuse to adopt any child that is better placed in a mom&dad household, period. If I take something away from a youngster like that, I'd feel very guilty. I'm adopting children that are simply unplacable in a home with a female figure, but who also need a strong MALE role model. I'm not adopting a baby to "play house."

I'm glad you're a teacher, I hope that you are a good one, the world needs better teachers. If you were a good teacher, no matter your sexual situation, I wouldn't care if my 16 yo was in your class. More power to you both.

As far as your friend being a SW, I'm okay with that too. My feelings are-- a child should be placed in a home where they will and can experience a "normal" home. Your situation would certainly not be one of those. And for many kids, being placed with me as a single dad would not be appropriate either... I'm simply opened to older children who can accept a single parent and cannot [at least immediately] be placed in a two parent home [yes, I hope to marry someday].

I see nothing extreme about what I've said.

b

Originally posted by elefant99
I wish you the best of luck as you procede thru these challenges that have been unexpectedly placed in front of you. My partner (Yes, I am in fact one of those "homos" you refer to) was also sexually abused as a child, and I believe that a psychological evaluation would be all that is necessary. This is of course irrelevant since I will be adopting our children.

A little advice: keep statements regarding extreme bias out of homestudys (such as those you made here) - it won't help you, especially if my partner - who is a social worker - is the one doing your home study!

As I said above, I hope this all works out for you, and I do apologize for taking this off topic. I felt the need to respond because I was imaginging your children being students in my class someday (Yes, I'm a teacher!) and "being like you when they grow up" regarding this particular issue.

[Shoshana]

I am a psychologist. The term "invert" is from the time of Sigmund Freud. It is no longer used
(except perhaps in some fundamentalist psychoanalytic journals -- hardly mainstream psychology.)

No, I would not expect you to keep silent about your fears of being labeled, but it would have been easy to do so by saying "I'm afraid they'll think I'm gay" or even "I'm afraid they'll think I'm a homosexual."

Of these terms, gay is the more "politically correct" or less offensive, but homosexual is still used in the professional literature. Homo IS offensive and is only used as a slur. Invert is simply antiquated.

I'm certainly not trying to "control your speech". I'm just sharing the current terminology of professionals (and many of the general public as well). You are free, of course, to continue to use a term that is offensive (homo) but I'm sure people will continue to tell you they find it offensive.

Best wishes to you in this journey.

[MrsCinderella]

Thank you. I have heard of that agency. Any person in particular?
My concern is, I was told that we have to be married first, which isnt for another 5 months.

Someone else said we may have to be married for 1-2 years.
If this is the case, this is why I want to get what I can done before that time comes.

I really hope we dont have to be married first. Whats the difference between us being married and JUST GETTING STARTED on the process vs a single parent?

Im not aksing them to finalize the adoption before the marriage, but at least let us being the classes and such.

Oh and yes, I am in Arizona. Are you?