[Tipper]

Thanks for your recommendation and insights....I really appreciate them....

I read the answer to the FAQ and I did not understand it to mean the answer was "no". I think maybe agencies would do better to expand the answer or to try to answer the question in person. This answer could be a small book....

Doesn't the answer really come down to the prospective adoptive parents and the expectant mother? If all people involved are reliable and honest, the answer is whatever was agreed upon. I agree openness in adoption is very different from an open adoption (from what I have read). I have not adopted yet. But it seems to me there is a full range of potentials. Ideally the adopted child will have a very personal, rewarding, and one-on-one relationship with his or her birthfamily. But for this to happen, I believe the expectant mother must be well informed about the prospective adoptive parents and read some books and be counseled herself to try to predict how her choices will affect her child and herself. She may find she does not want openness afterall ....

Anyway, I am totally new to this so someone please correct me if I am living in "la la" land. Even though I am working with an agency, I want to be very proactive in understanding relationships of all involved in open adoptions and openness in adoptions. I also realize much of this is a leap of faith and there may be things we just cannot predict but any insight you have is appreciated....

[HappyMomAnna]

Every adoption is unique and as individual as the parties involved. Openess in Adoption is very different then an Open Adoption. Openness in Adoption is usually about the adoptive families ability to raise the child with no secrets and clear understanding of how they came to be part of the family. I advocate all adoptions should have openness it is the greatest love an adoptive parent can pass on.
An Open Adoption is generally a contract between the birth mother and adoptive family. I agree that as the adoptive family you would want the birth mother to be educated and understand the contract you make with her. One way you might help is to provide some books and other information to the birth mother before any agreement is made. You might also give her some ideas that you have in mind about how you want the openness to be.
Remember that it is not unusual for a birthmother to change her mind about contact in the future. It often sounds acceptable in the begining to think of the years ahead and that a birth mother would want to continue to keep open. But, often the reality of this situation becomes very difficult for her to continue or she matures and builds a new life where the open adoption becomes a lower and lower priority. She may go on to be married and have more children and find the whole issue of open adoption difficult on her new life......so many things can change.
The mainthing to remember is that your adoptive child will get the impressions from you. As long as you can keep some pictures of Birth mom and Baby and as long as you tell your child that birth mom had so much love to share. As an adptive parent it is our job to help our children not feel the way so many end up feeling--like no one!
I tell my adpoted daughter about her birthmother. My daughter does remember her as she was with her to the age of four. I tell my daughter that her birthmother loved her so much and I can tell because she (my daughter) has enough love to give to her birthmother and to me. That is big love and big love only happens when a baby is loved even before it is born.
I am not sure open adoption is what everyone thinks it will be when it is started. I think the best thing we can do as adoptive parents is to be flexible to all issues that may arrise in the lives of our child.

[Tipper]

Thank you so much for that reply. It makes sense to me that flexibility is needed. I just love what you told your daughter about how much her birthmom loved her and how big love only happens when you were loved before you were born. I printed your reply and am keeping it in our adoption file....right under...how to handle fears in an open adoption...

That is my biggest fear in an open adoption -- that the birthmother will start out having regular contact and when she moves on in life, my child will feel rejected all over again when the birthmom cannot make regular visits again. I think I would just feel totally responsible for allowing the regular visits in the first place. But what do you do? But it is so encouraging to know there are others out there in this situation.

Great reminder that children get there impressions from their parents....when my husband and I were going through infertility, a counselor talked to us about egg donation and adoption and she said the same thing......a large part of how our children feel is determined by how we react.....

Lots of exciting challenges ahead! Thanks again for your insight....

[Sharon]

I am a birthmother who placed my first son in a semi-open adoption 13 years ago. My advice to potential adoptive parents is this: when considering openness, agree to the bare minimum. Agree only to what you are absolutely sure you will be able to maintain over the long term. Do not assume that the birthmother of your child will eventually "move on with her life" and no longer want contact. Although some do, many others remain in contact throughout the child's life, and it is your moral obligation to fulfill any and all promises you make to the birthmother regarding openness. Therefore, if all you can handle is letters and photos once a year, then agree to that. If you think you can handle one visit a year, but aren't sure about more than that, then ONLY agree to what you know you can handle. It may be tempting to make a lot of promises before relinquishment, but resist this urge. If you make a lot of promises now and later find yourself unable to fulfill them, it will be a devastating betrayal to the birthmother.
A better idea is to only agree to what you feel comfortable with. If this means you have to wait a little longer for a match, then so be it. There is a birthmother out there whose expectations match your own, and sooner or later you will find each other.
It is much easier to open an adoption up more later on, if your comfort level increases, than it is to close one. I agree it is important to be "flexible", but it is equally important to keep your promises, just as you hope the birthmother will keep hers and not pop up one day demanding her baby back. Please think long and hard, determine your comfort level, and agree only to what you know you can maintain over the long term.
Best of luck to you, ~ Sharon

Ps Just so you don't feel that I'm biased, my advice to birthparents would be exactly the same. Agree ONLY to what you are sure you can maintain. So often we as parents forget that open adoption is not about options and privileges for us... it is a responsibility to our children. It is in the child's best interest that both sets of parents work hard to maintain ongoing contact. Children need stability. They need the caring adults in their lives to be there for them consistently.
I agree with what Brenda said in response to your other thread... often agencies do not stress enough that consistency is vital to the child's wellbeing. Adoption professionals sometimes present openness (to both the aparents and bparents) as something you can agree to now and modify (or dispense with) later. Therefore, if you as an aparent are committed to openness, it would probably be a good idea to meet with the birthmother personally and discuss it, and make sure that her ideas and feelings about it parallel your own. Best wishes, ~ shar

[Tipper]

Sharon,

Great point about agreeing to the bare minimum and that openness can grow. I do think it is very important for my husband and I to sit down together with no one else around and decide what we are comfortable with. Then we need to stick with our ideas no matter how tempting it may be to promise something later that we do not feel comfortable with. Relationships take time and if our relationship with our child's birthmother blossoms into a terrific friendship or extended family, that would be ideal. But there is no chance of that happening if we are not honest with her from the start.

I am taking a class with my agency (on general things) in a couple of weeks and I am going to inquire about how they counsel expectant mothers. What do you think counselors should tell expectant moms about making agreements in open adoption? I would realy appreciate your insight....

Thanks so much for your reply.......it's in my adoption file......

[Sharon]

I added a little PS onto my post... didn't want to sound like I was coming down hard on aparents. I agree that both sides need to keep their promises.
~ Shar

[Tipper]

Thanks for your reply. I found it very helpful. And another great point about stability and consistency for children....I could not agree more...

[Mary RamireZ]

I am a birthmother of 23 year old birthson,l My son started writting me and I worte back back the word openness in adoption I found out what openness in adoption met It met the birthmother would write I and never met me and all will stop when my son is 18 no contack. I starting searching and found out I was never to met my son as it is to upsetting. The social worke went even as far to give my son the letter I wrote to my when he turned 18 she told the adoptive to burn it. what I want to say is openness mean different to angencies.

by for now
Mary Mumby Ramirez

[HappyMomAnna]

Wow--let me clarify what I said in my earlier post: I agree with Sharon, and hope that you won't assume a birth mother WILL move on with her life.....some do and some do not. I should have said that more tactfully.....
And Sharon makes a great points. Each adoption is unique and every situation must be evaluated before an agreement is written... and if the birthmother is someone you plan to have an ongoing relationship with it would be a good idea to know her a little before the contract is made....It is vital a child have consistant messages.
It hurts to know that some birthmothers do NOT recieve the letters and pictures we (adoptive parents) send to them I am so sorry this happens. I have heard so many stories of both situations....birth mothers going to the courts on their child's 18th to find letters and pictures from every year---to---adoptive parents being surprised that the birthmother was never given a single thing they sent. I wish there was a central place where all the info and corrispondance was kept.
My children are state kids and for safety they cannot have an open adoption.....but, I have and HOPE I maintain a journal for thier birth mother as they grow up. It is sort-of like the babybook but, I try to write more--in a mom kind of way. I am 100% sure my daughter will look for her birthmother when she comes of age and I want the birthmother to know that during all of these years she was honored in our home, loves and prayed for.
I had considered sending letters and pictures to the state---but, I have decided to hold this here with me until the right time. I just don't trust the state to keep track of such important things.
I have also writen her a letter I hope she will get before it is finalized.....I want her to know how much we love her babies and that they will always know who she is.

[ShellyK]

I was placed for Adoption in NC, in 1975 which was CLOSED! This had made it very very hard on me though out my life. Of course my parents always told me that I had a strong birthmother that loved me and wanted me to have a wonderful life. Which was a awesome comfort to grow up with.

I later had a child at a young age and palced her for adoption. This was a semi open. I know the parents, though all contact was done though the agency. I maintained contact with the family until my daughter was 3 and then I needed to let go as I didn't want the confusion in her life. Though I appreciate the fact that I had the opportunity to watch her grow, and to be able to have had the chance to know her parents. I was very happy with this arrangement. Should me daughter chose to find me, there will be no question or search! She has letters from me and items that will be given to her on her 18th birthday.

I still see the family at times with her, though I stay back as it is thier life. I will wait patiently for her to reunite with me.

I don't advocate closed adoptions, though again this is a personal issue that all parties should feel comfortable with.

I like the semi open that I experianced.

[Tipper]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope my child will get the open adoption (or at least semi-open) experience as it seems to be healthiest for the child.

You are so brave and loving to make such difficult decisions for your own child.

Thanks again for your reply.