[Tipper]

My husband and I are new to the adoption process but we have read many books, have attended information meetings, and are going to a support group meeting in our city in a couple of weeks. I was just wondering if anyone could recommend an agency in North Carolina or tell us of any "red flags" they know about with any agency that works with NC couples? We are looking to adopt an infant domestically and are comfortable with open adoption.

Has anyone used Christian Adoption Services or Gladney? Thanks for any help you can offer!

Also, how is the home study? I have read books on home studies but is it helpful at all to the adoptive parent or just information gathering for the agency?

[bromanchik]

If you want to do an open adoption don't go through Gladney. Very few of their adoptions are truly open. I know an agency in VA that you might be able to work with. They are called Shore Adoption Services.

[MkMw]

There is also Independent Adption Center in N.C. - I have mixed feelings about them, but we did sign up with them (our application is currently on hold)

And Coordinator's 2 in Richmond -

Brenda - either someone from C-2 started Shore or someone from Shore started C-2, from what I understand from neutral parties is that their philosophies are very similar.

[Tipper]

Thanks for your posts and insights. I started reading other posts and read some other things about Gladney that did not seem right for us. I will look into the other ones suggested.

[tobeafamily]

We used Shore Adoption Services in Virginia Beach VA. They are wonderful. Unfortunately, because of licensing, they can only work with Viriginia families. They may be able to recommend some other groups in NC

I personally felt the homestudy helped us to understand where we came from and why we wanted to be parents. We also got ourselves up to date on smoke detectors, etc. :-)

HTH

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Tipper]

Thanks for your help!

[NCCrisco]

We have signed up with A Child's Hope in Raleigh NC. It is owned by Parker Bennett who also is an attorney. This adoption agency is great. They are all very warm friendly people. Currently they are expediting applications for African American or Bi racial infants due to the high volume of birthmoms they are working with. We have completed our home study and are just waiting to be matched Call them and gather information. I promise you will not regret it.
Good Luck to us all!
Karen Sauls

[bromanchik]

I question any agency that does not present all of the options. A Child's Hope information on "open adoptions" is misleading. They don't mention visits at all. Getting pictures and letters is a semi-open adoption. there is a huge difference between openess in adoption and open adoption.

This is how they answer a "birthmother's" FAQ of "Can I see my baby again if I want to?"

"For the birth mother, it means you can participate in choosing a family for your child. You can meet them and have as little or as much contact with them as you choose. You can see your baby after delivery, hold your baby, name the baby and spend as much time with the baby at the hospital as you choose. You can receive updates on your child as he grows. Or not. The choice is yours."

So the answer is "No", at least with the adoptions this agency does, they just do not have the balls to say it.

I was not impressed with their website at all. A good agency treats prospective adoptive parents well, a great agency treats expectant parents considering adoption with the same courtisies.

[Tipper]

New and Maybe Naive
Thanks for your recommendation and insights....I really appreciate them....

I read the answer to the FAQ and I did not understand it to mean the answer was "no". I think maybe agencies would do better to expand the answer or to try to answer the question in person. This answer could be a small book....

Doesn't the answer really come down to the prospective adoptive parents and the expectant mother? If all people involved are reliable and honest, the answer is whatever was agreed upon. I agree openness in adoption is very different from an open adoption (from what I have read). I have not adopted yet. But it seems to me there is a full range of potentials. Ideally the adopted child will have a very personal, rewarding, and one-on-one relationship with his or her birthfamily. But for this to happen, I believe the expectant mother must be well informed about the prospective adoptive parents and read some books and be counseled herself to try to predict how her choices will affect her child and herself. She may find she does not want openness afterall ....

Anyway, I am totally new to this so someone please correct me if I am living in "la la" land. Even though I am working with an agency, I want to be very proactive in understanding relationships of all involved in open adoptions and openness in adoptions. I also realize much of this is a leap of faith and there may be things we just cannot predict but any insight you have is appreciated....


Ha! I am so new to this I accidentally posted this in the wrong place but it is here now!!!

[bromanchik]

You wrote:
"I read the answer to the FAQ and I did not understand it to mean the answer was "no". I think maybe agencies would do better to expand the answer or to try to answer the question in person. This answer could be a small book...."

Not really. The answer could be as simple as , "You can have visits after the adoption is final if you and the adopting parents agree upon it." NO where does it talk about visits. NO where does it talk about what contact would mean to the child.

I work with birthmothers post adoption. That is most of what I do. Most of them are not being told that visits are possible. They are also not being told that visits can be important to their children. I have seen birthmoms faces when I talk about this. They believe adoption is replacing them, but no one can be replaced. They are amazed to think they have something to offer their child.

People seem to think ongoing contact is for the adults only. I also talk to the kids....and read the research. The majority of kids want to know their birthparents. When agencies make it only about the adults involved open adoptrion usually does not stand a chance. Because there are many points in open adoptions where it is not comfortable. There are many points where it needs to be about what the kids want.

You wrote:
"I want to be very proactive in understanding relationships of all involved in open adoptions and openness in adoptions."

One of the things you need to know then is how birthparents are being counseled. All the education and knowledge you have will not help your child's birthmom if they have been counseled poorly.

[Tipper]

Brenda,

Thanks so much for your reply. I have a class with my agency in two weeks and I am going to specifically ask them how expectant mothers are counseled through them. I am naive to think everyone is totally honest (but our agency does seem extremely motivated to be honest to everyone) but it makes sense to me that everyone involved in adoption does need to know their rights and responsibilities for openness to truly happen. I read a great book (really a pamplet) called Your Rights and Responsibilities: A guide for expectant parents considering adoption by Brenda Romanchik. At the very least, the expectant parents should be given this!

Wait -- are you the author of this book???? If so, I found it very helpful.

One of my biggest fears in open adoption is that the birthmother will start out making regular contact with my family and then move on with her life and find she can no longer make regular contact. Then my child will go through abandonment issues all over again! I have not met expectant mothers yet but I hope it is okay for me or a counselor to say this to them. I really want them to consider the full ramifications of not keeping up with their agreements. Any advice?

I know how my husband and I react to this situation largely determines how our child deals with it but I would like to know how many birthmothers change their minds about keeping up regular visits. From what I have heard, but I have not seen a study done, many birthmothers do find they cannot keep up with regular visits.

I know there are just some things we cannot know and parenting and adoption are journeys into the unknown...nonetheless, I do agree honesty and integrity should be number one......

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by Tipper
Brenda,

Thanks so much for your reply. I have a class with my agency in two weeks and I am going to specifically ask them how expectant mothers are counseled through them. I am naive to think everyone is totally honest (but our agency does seem extremely motivated to be honest to everyone) but it makes sense to me that everyone involved in adoption does need to know their rights and responsibilities for openness to truly happen. I read a great book (really a pamplet) called Your Rights and Responsibilities: A guide for expectant parents considering adoption by Brenda Romanchik. At the very least, the expectant parents should be given this!

Wait -- are you the author of this book???? If so, I found it very helpful.

One of my biggest fears in open adoption is that the birthmother will start out making regular contact with my family and then move on with her life and find she can no longer make regular contact. Then my child will go through abandonment issues all over again!

One of the main reasons I have found that birthparents stop contact is that they have never been told that contact will benefit the child and that is the main reason for an open adoption. Instead they are presented with contact as if it is a gift to them... a gift they can discard it it becomes too uncomfortable for them. They are not supported in their contact. Of course, I have found, that education and support are everything.

[wanttobeparents]

A Child's Hope does indeed have open adoption available. NC law changed in the past few years, when we adopted our first son, all agency adoptions had to be semi-open or closed. A Child's Hope has just not updated the website to make this clear.

We recently adopted our second child through A Child's Hope and this adoption is fully open. We spent the day with our son's birthparents today and it could not have gone better. We have each other's addresses, telephone numbers, and email addresses. They are invited to his baptism, birthday parties, and we plan to meet often. L and K are very special people, and we wanted to be sure that they have pictures and updates of the baby. They even asked if they could be involved in our oldest son's life, since he is the brother to their biological child. It seems that we gained not only a new son, but an entire extended family.
While our oldest son does not currently have contact with his birthmother, letters and pictures are waiting at the agency for the time she is ready for them. All she needs to do is ask for them.

I'll talk to the webmaster at A Child's Hope about updating the FAQ to more accurately reflect the possibilty of seeing your child again.

Peggy
Mom to Matthew, 3 and Michael, 3 weeks

[bromanchik]

Good to hear! Let me know when they update their website. Do they have any other materials reflecting this change? I would love to see them.

[wanttobeparents]

The legislative changes are listed under the following URL

http://www.achildshope.com/foa_issues.htm

The agency FAQ was updated since the change, but has not fully addressed the possibilities available. It did sound very much as though once you left the hospital, you would not see your baby again. I've emailed the webmaster to update the FAQ, but am not expecting to see it reflect the change immediately.

Peggy