[WeLoveJaden]

My husband had an affair in September 2002. We didn't know the meaning of "sticking together" until we received a phone call about a month in a half ago telling us that Jason was going to be a father at the end of May and that the birthmom intended to put the baby up for adoption, and needed him to sign some sort of forms to give up his rights. After we argued, cried, and finally talked we have decided we want to raise this baby. It is my husbands biological child after all!!! I have two children from a prior marriage of 10 years and can't have any more. My husband doesn't have any children. This would be his only hope of having a child of his own. Do you all think I am crazy? What hapens next? Does anyone know??? We did tell birthmom that we wanted to raise the baby ourselves. We are just waiting to hear what she has to say. Does it mean that we have to go to court, will I have to adopt her? What exactly are we headed for if we go through with this??? Help if anyone knows?? Thanks

[Lisa0512]

Hello,

Not only do I not think that you are crazy, I think that you are a remarkable woman. Most women would not have the guts to do what you are doing; matter-of-fact, I do not think that I would have the guts to do this.

First and foremost, I think that your husband should have a paternity test done as soon as the child is born. You should make sure the child is your husband before you start any actions. I would think that you would have to adopt the child since it is biologically not yours.

I am sorry not to be of more help but I wanted to commend you for being able to do such a noble act.

[debsdone]

Once the birthmother finds out you want to raise the child, she alone will determine the boundaries. IF she decides to stay in his (the child's) life as well, you will not be able to adopt him, yet she will have to pay child support. (You alson need to consider if you are prepared to co-parent with this woman if she decides that is what she wants) IF she is still willing to relinquish her rights, then you can adopt. I would imagine the decision of the birthfather to raise the child would change many of the decisions of the birthmother. Especially if you are in the same area. I agree with the advice about the paternity test. If she had an affair with your husband, she isn't an honest person. (That includes both parties, but I assume you are working on it on your end!) Love, Debi

[Lisa0512]

Debi,

You are so right. The perimeters may well change once the b-mother realizes that the b-father wants to keep the child. This is what I meant by it taking guts; I do not know if I would be willing to co-parent in a situation like that. But that is just me.

IF you do it, you have to be prepared that the mother may decide that you had rather co-parent than give the child up for adoption. And if she decides to forgo all of that and keep the child, you must accept the fact that your husband will have to pay child support and will have this woman in your life for the rest of your life. In all instances except for closed adoption by the biological mother, you have to decide if you will be willing to co-parent with this woman and make sure that you do not resent the child because he/she is the only innocent victim in this issue.

[WeLoveJaden]

Thanks for all your posts... Just to clear up a few things I didn't say in the beginning I guess.... The birthmom DOES want us to raise her, she doesn't want anything to do with her AT ALL! (Hard for me to fathom, but that is just me!!!) We do know that the baby is his biologically due to tests they have took several weeks ago.

And yes, of course we are working on our issues with my husband being unfaithful. There was a lot more to it than just being unfaithful. Booz, etc. This is no excuse, but is a reason. I love my husband and this is totally out of his character. This girl seduced him. She even admitted it. Wow! Life has sure changed for us in the last few months! I will stay with him knowing that he is going to be the best father to this baby we are wanting to raise as our own.

Now what do you think??? Your comments are very welcome here!!! This is one of my support systems, YOU GALS ARE AWESOME AND SOOOOOO MUCH HELP!!!!! Thank you!

[kimmy30]

Wow, you are truly an inspriation to anyone who has some rough waters in a marriage. I agree about having a paternity test being done imediatly. I am not sure waht kind of lawyer would be best for you. Probably a family lawer. Birth mother will need to relinquish her rights to the child before you could legally become her gaurdian. Plus you wil want the security of that because this woman does not sound like the best motherfigure, and can at any time demand rights if she does not relinquish them.

Good luck to you and your family, I hope this child birth wil mark a new journey for you and your family. Your post has brought a new light to marriage and how I view it.

[jolin4utopia]

First of all this could be very exciting, are you okay with this... Wow I know that I would have alot of resentment. We adopted my brothers baby and I was amazed at how it all worked. As soon as he said that the baby was not going to be adopted by someone else the potential adoptive mom, agency and social worker left. Then it was all up to us, we had the birthmom relinqish 72 hours after delivery. My brother was not ready at that time so he relinquished for a christmas present to us. My advise to you is get her to relinquish as soon as possible. Then the ball is in your court and you have more control over the situation. Are you guys getting counseling?

[jolin4utopia]

Isabo
"jolin4utopia was VERY wrong to suggest pressuring the mother to relinquish."

I did not suggest that you pressure the birthmom. It has already been stated that she is willing to relinquish. I just believe that if she is ready to reliquish then you should do it quickly. Adoption is not a light matter. I dont believe in taking away someones baby that wants to raise the baby. That could cause unknown damage, our birth mom is the best and I would never want for her to feel undue pressure. On the flip side it is completely unfair and puts alot of pressure on all parties if the paper work is not signed. We are adopting again and we have personally encountered 6 potential birthmoms who were considering adoption. Each time they have said that they wanted to raise there child. I feel a bond tward these girls but never have I ever pressured them. There word is final and now I find ways to help in any way I can. I am going to have a photo session with one of the moms while she is super pregnant. I think she will enjoy seeing those while her child is getting older.

[kimmy30]

Okay here you two argueing over who is right, is not giving this woman good advice. She needs all angles to look at, relinquishing custody as well not pressuring the birthmother is BOTH GOOD advice. This is a touchy subject when and providing a stable home for the child should alwasy come first in decisons.

She should be considering a fast adoption as well as relinquishing the mothers rights in a timely matter. The birth nother should also be consdiering her own needs as well. They need to think about how best to handle a potential explosive outcome if not handle right.

I don't think this would make an ideal open adoption. I can't make that decison for them. It has to come to from within all parites involved. And thebest advice we can give her is our oppions not matter how different to help her better understand her own feelings.